Emotional intelligence does not guarantee success, it does not protect against crises, but it facilitates contacts with other people. If in life you are guided mainly by the intellect, and you care little about your own and others' emotions, you may lose your partner, friends … Check why emotional intelligence is so important.

Emotional intelligence[EQ] named and contrasted with rational intelligence (IQ), was first used by American psychologists Peter Salavey and John Mayerw in 1990. The world sensational news circulated - we have two brains. The first, the well-known one, thinks and is responsible for our rational actions. The other feels and guides emotions. Both are equally important.

Psychological research has confirmed that the intellect alone is not enough to be successful in life. It started with following the careers of Harvard alumni. It turned out that the leaders of powerful corporations are not the best students, but people with an average IQ level.

200 largest American companies were examined in terms of the characteristics that distinguish the best employees. It turned out that business leaders excel in three areas: academic knowledge, IQ level, technical skills and the art of managing one's emotions.

Intellect, knowledge, and abilities determine your suitability for a job, but managing your emotions gives you the chance to be the best at it.

What is emotional intelligence?

It was further proved that the intellect alone without emotions does not guarantee success, and emotions without the control of reason can lead us astray. Imagine this situation: you are going to the supermarket to get a new washing machine.

There are plenty of goods in the store. You have a dilemma which model to decide on. If you are the "brain man" type (you only follow your head in life), you want to buy the most economical, energy-saving model at a promotional price. When you don't have exactly what you want, you leave the store and keep searching, wasting a lot of time.

And if you are the "heart-heart" type (gusts of heart usually motivate you to act), you will probably decide without thinking about the washing machine that catches your eye first: colorful, pretty, but devouring a lot of electricity.

Intelligent manemotionally, he is not an impulsive type, lively and spontaneously reacting to the environment, as is commonly believed.

Not only in the former, but also in the latter, your decisions have nothing to do with emotional intelligence. An emotionally intelligent person is able to harmoniously reconcile what his head dictates with what his heart tells him to do. Thanks to this, he is self-confident, energetic, bursts with ideas, can deal with stress, knows how to get along with others, has an optimistic attitude to life, is not afraid of changes and is always in harmony with himself. He is a successful man.

- This epochal discovery is really only a reminder of the facts known from the physiology of the nervous system - says Krystyna Zielińska, clinical psychologist. - Emotional intelligence is the ability to coordinate the functions of the cerebral cortex, the evolutionarily youngest part of the brain (on which the level of IQ depends), with the most primitive emotional brain that evolved much earlier than the thinking brain.

The emotional brain allowed our ancestors to survive in extreme conditions when "fight or flight" decisions were crucial to preserving life. In times when we do not have to run away from dangerous dinosaurs to the tree, and our survival depends on the number of zeros in the bank account, the emotional brain is a thing of the past. Now we are trying to bring him back into favor.

Emotional intelligence according to Daniel Goleman

According to Daniel Goleman, whose textbook "Emotional Intelligence" turned out to be a world bestseller, this intelligence consists of:

  • self-awareness,
  • ability to recognize your own emotions,
  • self-regulation - the ability to manage emotions,
  • motivation - the art of subordinating emotions to chosen goals,
  • empathy - the ability to empathize with the feelings and needs of others,
  • social skills - easy to establish and maintain relationships with the world.

Features of emotionally intelligent people

Anna and Marta, although sensitive, are not emotionally intelligent people.

Anna is a young head of department in one of the big companies. Already at the first meeting of the team, she said: - The atmosphere at work is the most important to me, I always say what I think and I do not tolerate gossip. She often talked about her emotions.

When she was nervous, she screamed, slammed the door. When the band was successful, she could jump for joy and laugh out loud. Employees competed in guessing the boss's mood. If he was good, they could arrange everything with her. Unfortunately, Anna often canceled her decisions. Other peopleShe blithely ascribed successes to herself, and she could punish the employee for her mistakes.

Marta keeps repeating that love must be nurtured. She and her partner talk a lot with each other. They often assure each other about their feelings. One day a bomb explodes - it turns out that Artur is having an affair. He explains to Martha that he still loves her and that this story has no bearing on their relationship. But she can't fight for her marriage. She feels guilty, unworthy of love. She suffers and leaves her husband. He often relives his failure and cannot trust another man for many years.

According to an expertJolanta Bielec, pedagogue at the Sports School Complex No. 300 in Warsaw

Anyone can get angry - it's very easy. But a rare skill is to get angry with the right person, at the right degree and at the right time, at the right goal, and in the right way.

Let's imagine that Anna and Marta have completed a good emotional intelligence course and are able to perfectly manage emotions, they also respect other people's feelings.

Anna realizes that the atmosphere at work depends on her and the entire team. Can listen to what employees have to say, takes their opinion into account. He controls his emotions. When he makes a mistake, because he is not feeling well, he has the courage to apologize for his behavior.

She knows that as a boss, she has to be an authority, she doesn't socialize with anyone, doesn't initiate her personal life, she often repeats that the company is a place of work, not social meetings. He never criticizes people but their behavior. He can also praise because he knows it motivates him to work. He often repeats that the company's success is due to the entire team.

When Marta learns about Arthur's betrayal, she experiences a shock. She asks him to talk to him, but only after the first emotions have subsided and they are both able to calmly talk about what happened.

Although she is resentful and has a lot of grudges against her partner, she tries not to offend, criticize or blackmail him. He mainly talks about his emotions - I'm sorry, I feel hurt, I don't think I deserve to be treated like this, etc.

Finally, she states that she cares about saving the relationship. Artur feels guilty and admires his wife's calm behavior. Together, they try to understand why there was betrayal in their relationship. They want to stay together, but they know their relationship has to change. They decide to go to marriage therapy.

Emotional intelligence in theory and practice

Putting emotions in life is not synonymous with the ability to manage them at work and in life. You can, for example, have a great ability to empathize, i.e. empathize withthe situation and experiences of others, but not having the skills that translate into being a good boss or a good partner.

Emotional intelligence is not the same as letting go of emotional control, being nice or submissive. Most psychologists argue that the level of EQ is not genetically determined. Emotional intelligence can be learned and developed throughout life.

An emotionally intelligent person is open to new experiences, can show feelings adequately to the situation (laugh, but also get angry), easily establish contacts with other people, deal with stress well, be able to refuse, realistically evaluate his own achievements and others, not afraid of criticism and risk. Unfortunately, this model of an emotionally intelligent man is extremely rare in life.

Important

There is already the first adaptation of the Emotional Intelligence Questionnaire (INTE) in Poland. It is used to measure EQ, i.e. the ability to recognize, understand and control one's own and other people's emotions, as well as the ability to use them effectively in managing one's own and someone else's actions. INTE consists of 33 items of a self-report nature, the truthfulness of which is assessed by the respondent on a five-point scale.

Emotional intelligence: courses and training

EQ specialists are outdoing each other in devising courses and workshops for improving emotional intelligence. But you have to be aware that even in the most professional course, it is impossible to develop skills that were neglected and that we do not really feel inside ourselves. It's a lifetime job.

Daniel Goleman sadly states that the amount of emotional problems in the world is increasing at an alarming rate. We are getting richer, but less and less happy. Depression, suicide, breakdown of relationships, loneliness, fear of closeness, addictions - these are clear evidence that we deal with emotions worse and worse. Is there any advice?

How to work on emotional intelligence?

- First of all, slow down the pace of life as much as possible - says psychologist Krystyna Zielińska. - If you work twelve hours a day five days a week, and at the weekend, instead of rest or contact with your family, you give yourself a course in expressing negative emotions, do not count on healing your relationships with others. Even the most professional trainer is not able to predict all your emotional reactions, to give you recipes to behave in every life situation. We forget that our emotions begin in the body - the psychologist points out.

- When, for example, we are overcome with rage, we feel tension in our muscles, faster heartbeat, faster breathing, our evolutionarily oldest part of the brain wakes up and prepares the body to fight or flee.

Therefore, it is worth starting emotional training with working with the body, i.e. becoming aware of what exactly happens to us when we experience strong emotions, both positive and negative. Such training takes time, but it is necessary - says Krystyna Zielińska and emphasizes: - Until we learn to accurately read, name and then express emotions in a way that is not harmful to ourselves and others, we will not understand other people's feelings.

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