- How do people go through the mourning process?
- Are there differences in the loss experience between the sexes?
- The most important elements of the coping process
- What happens when the mourning process is interrupted or disrupted?
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VERIFIED CONTENTConsultation: dr Aleksandra Tatko
Loss is an integral part of life. While grief may be inevitable, the way we approach it is up to us. The sociologist Dr. Aleksandra Tatko, who deals with the issues of death and dying, asked the sociologist Dr. Aleksandra Tatko about how to properly undergo the mourning process.
How do people go through the mourning process?
What may take some days or weeks for some, may take years for others. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with loss, it is a completely individual matter.
Sometimes this feeling never wears off and accompanies you for the rest of your life. Sadness and regret are natural human reactions, and mourning is a process that goes on gradually.As Dr. Tatko emphasizes, "the loss after the death of another person, especially of a loved one, is experienced by everyone among us, regardless of whether they are a man or a woman."- In this sense, experiencing the loss of sex does not exist, because this condition applies to everyone, without exception. The more difficult and longer it is for us to come to terms with the loss, the more close, positive and lasting relationships we had with a given person. If death has occurred suddenly, very often the first dominant response is shock. The reality looks different when we had time to prepare for the loss of another person, e.g. when she was ill for a long time - she adds.
Are there differences in the loss experience between the sexes?
The sociologist explains that "gender seems to determine the way an individual goes through the various stages of coping with the death of another person". - Of course, it cannot be unequivocally stated that women or men experience the death of another person more, it is a very individual and delicate issue. Nevertheless, women seem to cope better with the loss after the death of a loved one, which in a way stems from their nature (if you can say that) - he adds.
Dr. Tatko explains that this is due to the fact that“women, unlike men, allow their emotions to be exposed - both positive and negative; including those related to pain, anger, denial or despair, which almost always appear during mourning after the death of another person " .
According to the sociologist, these arethe approach is "a kind of catharsis that purifies and allows you to work through grief, longing and sadness in time - which ultimately leads to the acceptance of the death of a loved one and reconciliation with their death". Women are quicker than men to deal with this kind of loss. When going through mourning, they remember more often, talk about the person who passed away, but also cry and rebel - says Dr. Aleksandra Tatko.
And how do men approach mourning?The expert explains that gentlemen "accumulate their emotions and fears inside themselves, do not show them outside and thus experience the state of mourning more often in solitude, incomprehension, without support ” . - This makes it more difficult and traumatic for men to experience loss. As a further consequence, it may lead to a prolonged state of mourning (the so-called pathological mourning). This, in turn, often prompts more and more frequent attempts to drown out pain and despair by resorting to various types of pain relieving agents, e.g. alcohol - she adds.
Dr. Tatko emphasizes that it is very important to allow yourself to go through the successive stages of grief described by psychiatrist and death counselor Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
5 stages of mourning
See the gallery of 5 photos
The most important elements of the coping process
Usually the first months of mourning are the hardest, when feelings are at their most intense. The problem can be not only negative emotions, but also positive emotions, such as a feeling of relief, joy or peace. The expert explains that "the most important element of coping with loss is allowing yourself to survive it, and ultimately the individual is able to accept the departure of another person".
Can you speed up the mourning process? Dr. Aleksandra Tatko emphasizes that "this process should not be rushed".- The mourner must have time to deny / deny the death of a loved one, he can allow himself to be angry at the situation, and also make a kind of summary for his relationship with the person who has passed away, he also has the right to be sad - adds.
According to the sociologist, these "elements enable an individual to approximate or tame the pain after the death of another person". - Everyone's emotionality is different - some people are less and some are more sensitive. It is important not to be alone during mourning, sometimes it is enough just to be aware of the presence of another person. Therefore, to sum up,the most important element of coping with the loss of another person is giving yourself the right amounttime to be calm at the end of this process, reconciled with the death of a given person - explains Dr. Tatko .
What happens when the mourning process is interrupted or disrupted?
If you are in the mourning process, it's time to think about yourself. First of all, don't run away from your emotions - that's normal, don't blame yourself for what you're feeling. Avoiding difficult feelings usually lengthens this period, and sometimes it even interrupts or disrupts this process.
As the expert emphasizes, "disturbing or breaking mourning is an undesirable state. Of course, there are so-called extreme cases in relation to which mourning should have ended a long time ago - although it is hard to imagine that, for example, a mother's pain after losing her baby the child may ever pass away … However,for the individual to be an integral part of the social world, also in this case must come to terms with the loss".
The sociologist claims that disruption of this process may “lead to permanent and sometimes even irreversible changes of a mental and physical nature in a bereaved person. It is the more likely the more experienced emotions, such as anger or self-blame, escalate. "
Dr. Tatko points out that in such a case there may be "disorders such as excessive aggression in relation to everything that concerned the death of a loved one, or on the contrary - excessive idealization of the deceased and what he implemented in life". - In terms of somatic consequences, disrupting the experience of loss may cause or intensify the symptoms of a disease from which the individual did not suffer at all or suffered previously to a limited extent; it happens that the mourner begins to notice symptoms of diseases that the deceased suffered from - he adds.
Such a situation may have dangerous consequences for your mental he alth.- Unrestrained sadness and regret cause depression, alienation and distance from the surrounding social world - both on the micro and macro scale.The individual withdraws from the existing relationships. The accompanying and persistent psychosomatic states make it impossible for her to function properly on a daily basis. Such a person requires specialist support, e.g. from a psychologist, psycho-oncologist, but also relatives and family, who will help her work through the topic of loss and counteract the undesirable consequences of it - adds Dr. Aleksandra Tatko.
Are you in a difficult situation? Do you need to talk to a psychologist? Call the toll-free number 800 70 2222 24/7 Support Center for people in crisis. Listspecialists and places where you can seek help can be found here.
Dr. Aleksandra TatkoA sociologist. He deals with the issues of death and dying in Polish society, in particular the relations between a dying person and his relatives and the awareness of an incurable disease. She is also interested in the issues of broadly understood palliative care and the impact of home hospices on the daily functioning of their patients. She is interested in the level of support provided by specialists and the family to the dying, counteracting the knowledge gap among people caring for palliative patients, as well as the subject of Poles' decisions regarding the choice of the place of dying. Dr. Tatko also studies issues related to the sociology of medicine, thanatology, as well as the philosophy of death and dying. Author of publications on the subject of the Polish hospice movement, sociology in the context of the dying process and interdisciplinary research on old age. The author of the postgraduate program "Palliative care in cancer" dedicated to people who would like to expand their knowledge and practical skills in the field of a holistic (sociological, psychological, spiritual and medical) approach to a patient diagnosed with cancer and his relatives, care of a nature palliative.
https: //www.swps.pl/aleksandra-tatko
https: //pl.linkedin.com/in/aleksandra-tatko-731732152