What is assertiveness and what is its definition? Who is an assertive person? Learn the 10 rights of an assertive human being and see how to learn the difficult art of assertiveness and learn useful exercises for doing so!

Assertivenessis quite an art, especially if you often say "yes" when you think "no". Then a short lesson in assertiveness will come in handy.

What is assertiveness? Definition of assertiveness

Assertiveness in psychology means the ability to express your thoughts, feelings and views while maintaining your own boundaries and respecting other people's boundaries.Assertiveness is also the ability to say no when you really disagree with the general public.

Most of us associate assertiveness with refusal, and refusal is only part of our assertive behavior. Being able to say "yes" is just as important as being able to say "no". We are assertive when we are able to receive praise and also criticism. Also when we know how to ask for help.

We usually present one of the attitudes - we are submissive or aggressive. Assertiveness is somewhere in the middle. It's"a subtle balancing act between defending one's own boundaries and selfishness" .

"Be assertive" - ​​what does it mean?

Meansthe ability to communicate with people while maintaining their own individuality and without imposing their opinion.The essence of assertiveness is based on the belief that everyone has the right to be themselves, i.e. to express their own feelings and views, to manage one's own time and to make personal decisions. Contrary to appearances, it is not easy.

For many of us the problem is, for exampleaccepting compliments . It is related to our self-esteem - the lower it is, the more difficult it is for us to believe in the honesty of praise.

Assertiveness teaches you how to get pleasure from compliments without looking for a second bottom in them. The ability to "take" helps us in our relationships with others - this way we show them that they are important to us.

Herbert Fensterheim, an American psychologist, co-founder of the theory of assertiveness, said:"If you have doubts about whether a given behavior is assertive, see if it increases your self-esteem a little."

Stages of assertive refusal

It is often like thisthat someone, despite our requests to change behavior, does not react, does not respect the boundaries we set. Then it is worth using the gradation of our reactions.

  • The first step is to provide information.If someone's behavior does not suit us, irritates or angers us, we call him to attention and ask him to behave differently. Usually people don't want to be nasty and change their behavior.
  • The second stage is expressing feelings.If someone continues to misbehave despite the attention paid, we tell him a second time to change his behavior. This time the tone of our voice should be more firm and decisive. We also inform you what we feel about his behavior.
  • The third step is to summon the back office , which is a warning about the consequences that will threaten him if he does not change his behavior. Remember that the consequences should be real (the ones that we will really apply).
  • The fourth step is to use the back office.If, despite our reaction, someone does not change their behavior, we apply the announced consistency.

Example:we are talking to a friend on the phone. At some point, she starts screaming. The four steps are as follows. 1. I am asking you not to raise your voice to me. 2. Don't yell when you call me because I feel very bad about it. 3. If you don't stop screaming, I'll stop talking to you on the phone. 4. You keep shouting, so I end the call. And hang up.

Assertiveness: how to wake it up?

Make sure what you say is important

Assertiveness requires making sure that what you think and feel is important. It is the ability to cast aside false beliefs about yourself and believe in your own abilities.

It is also the ability to firmly but gently define one's own territory, while respecting the territory of others. Assertive behavior gives you a sense of power and self-confidence. That is why it is worth working on it.

You can start your training by highlighting your strengths.

Constructive criticism

What attitude should you adopt when someone criticizes you? If the criticism is valid and courteous, simply agree with it by saying, "You're right, sorry."

If you think that someone's opinion is unfair, you can turn it into an opinion by saying: "This is your opinion - I have a different one".

Try to present your point of view briefly, to the point, without entering into unnecessary discussions. In no case do not allow verbal scuffles, nor escape into submission.

Skill is also importantconstructively criticize others without insulting or deprecating them. When someone behaves inappropriately towards you, tell them what you feel and why, such as "I'm pissed off because you didn't keep your word."

Avoid generalizations and damaging judgments like: "You never keep your word. You're hopeless."

It's important to name your emotions that no one can question, and to stick to the facts. Instead of saying, "You're always late", refer to a specific event: "I'm sorry because you missed an appointment."

Finally, you can say what you expect from your interlocutor in relation to the situation, e.g. "I would like you to call in the future and let me know that you will be late."

You always have the right to refuse

Women usually have a bigger problem with it than men. They believe that it is not appropriate for them that by saying "no", they run the risk of someone's dissatisfaction. They are afraid that someone will stop liking them. It may be so and you have to accept it.

If you really do not want to agree to something, you have a choice: either say "no" to someone and "yes" to someone - then you will lose respect for yourself, or … refuse, risking that someone will be offended by you - then you will keep the feeling of inner harmony with yourself.

Remember that you have the right to make decisions and to manage your own life.

How to stop worrying about what other people say?

Self-esteem: what is it and how to build it?

Interpersonal communication: how to build it, what makes it difficult?

Assertiveness: exercises

Assertive Behavior Techniques

Broken plate

This is a popular technique. It often happens that we refuse someone, and he asks us again. Then you should not refer to further arguments and explain yourself more and more. You have to repeat the sentence - it may be slightly modified - that was said at the beginning. My friend wants to borrow PLN 100, but she did not return the previous loan - PLN 50.

We say: "I will not lend you PLN 100 until you give me PLN 50". "But please, this is the last time, I need this money very much." "I said that I will not lend you PLN 100 until you give me PLN 50". "But please." "Don't ask me any more. I said I wouldn't lend you."

A technique called jujitsu

Its name comes from one of the eastern martial arts. It consists in not opposing the arguments of the person who asks us for something, showing that we respect and understand their reasons, but we refuse, because we have such a right.

Last Saturday, my sister looked after ourschildren, now he is asking us for the same favor. We have a pre-arranged meeting with a long-lost friend. We say: "Yes, I know that a week ago I asked you to help with the children and you would like me to help you now. Unfortunately, I have a busy evening and I really can't."

I am an elephant

It is helpful to refuse to imagine that you are an elephant - big, slowly walking, calm, visible, confident but gentle. Then we speak slower, breathe more calmly, look the interlocutor straight in the eyes, try not to act under the influence of emotions. We ask what is incomprehensible about the interlocutor, we repeat his words, e.g. "You said that I am not grateful?"

Exercise 1

Divide the paper vertically in half. On one side write "Me as a man" and on the other side "Me as an employee". List at least 15 of your strengths and skills in each column. Be guided by your own beliefs and not by the judgment of others. Finally, answer the question: "What do I like?".

Remember that if you like yourself, your attractiveness in the eyes of others increases. Also, consider those traits that you consider to be flaws - you may find that in some circumstances these will be your strengths (e.g. stubbornness).

Choose a few traits that you dislike most and think about whether there are times when they benefit you.

Exercise 2

When someone praises you, just say, "Thank you." When you hear the words of criticism, do not be offended, just think for a moment about their validity. If they are unfair, make your point.

Exercise 3

Remember a situation in which someone acted unfair towards you. Describe the hypothetical conversation with this person in accordance with the principles of assertive criticism (express your feelings, refer to facts, formulate expectations).

Exercise 4

If you want to refuse, say "no" firmly, in a tone that makes it sound decisive. Avoid the "can't" form, as it will be a pretext for the interlocutor for further negotiations. Assertiveness requires honesty with yourself. So if you just don't want something, you have to admit it, not pretend there are other reasons for refusing.

After the word "no", clearly repeat what you won't. Briefly justify your refusal, but do not enter into discussions. Make sure that your message is concise and coherent, e.g. "No, I will not lend you money because I have this rule".

Assertiveness: 10 rights of an assertive person

The word "assertiveness" in psychology means the ability to express your thoughts, feelings and views within your own limits andwhile respecting other people's boundaries. Jan Ferguson, author of the book "Perfect Assertiveness", formulated theCharter 10 of Human Rights, according to which each of us has the right:

  1. ask for what he wants - which doesn't mean he has to get it;
  2. express your opinion, feelings and emotions - assertively, i.e. adequately to the situation;
  3. not to be discriminated against;
  4. independently make decisions and bear their consequences;
  5. decide if he wants to get involved in other people's problems - he doesn't have to constantly sacrifice himself for others;
  6. make mistakes and learn from them without feeling guilty;
  7. get what he pays for - when he buys something or uses services;
  8. change our decisions - we develop and we do not have to always have the same opinion;
  9. for privacy;
  10. succeed - do not belittle your achievements, just enjoy them.

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Psychology