- I thought that maybe I would grow up faster than my friends. I was even convinced that when you become an adult, you feel sad, angry that you cry a lot. It started with a mood swings that turned into attacks of fury. I broke dishes, windows. I was able to tear doors out of their frames - says Monika Miller, photo model, singer and granddaughter of former Prime Minister Leszek Miller.
When did the word depression first appear in your life?
I've always been an unusual kid. I remember when I was 11 I started to change a lot. I dressed in black, I didn't want to play with my peers. I was sitting alone, locked in a room. Due to the fact that I liked to search the Internet and explore various topics, definitions also related to the human psyche, one time I came across the word " depression ". I began to wonder if this concept did not apply to me. I ran to my parents and said: "Mom, Dad, I'm depressed."
What did they say to you?
They put me off a bit. They started explaining that it was definitely not depression, that this was what puberty might look like in my case. They said that this is how it usually is, that you have mood swings, sometimes you don't want to do anything. Years passed and it was getting worse with me. It was only when I was 16 or 17 that my mother realized that this was probably not an ordinary teenage bluff and took me to a psychotherapist.
What was the diagnosis made by the specialist?
He stated that I had depression andborderline personality disorder.Neither my mother nor the rest of my family wanted to believe it. I understand them a bit, because a child with such disorders is not a reason to be proud or happy. I could not be proud of as a polite and diligently learning girl, not causing any problems.
Anyway, after receiving this diagnosis, the parents preferred to make sure that it was it or that it was not a mistake. We went to several other child therapy sites. Despite the hope that the first diagnosis might not be confirmed, the result was the same everywhere. This was the time when I started taking medications and going to psychotherapy.
What made my mom finallyDid she say that's not what you say "teenage chandra"? And what worried you about your behavior?
At first, I believed that this is how growing up looks like. I thought that maybe I would grow up faster than my friends. I was even convinced that when you become an adult, you feel sad, angry that you cry a lot. It was like a child's mind.
I remember talking to my friends about it and advising them to take advantage of this childhood time as much as possible, because then you get older, you become depressed and nothing is the same as it used to be.
Besides, I noticed that more and more things that I used to enjoy are starting to disturb me. Just as I used to be able to play, I was creative, I invented various scenarios for my games, so suddenly I couldn't act like a carefree, joyful child. I had strange feelings of emptiness inside me. I didn't want to run drawing or watching movies. I spent the whole days in my room, lying on the bed, staring at one point. My parents thought I was doing this on purpose to get attention. It was really hard for me.
What bothered you the most?
Probably problems with concentration. When I was sitting at school, I couldn't focus on what the teacher was saying, and when I read the book, I found myself reading the same sentence several times, if not several times.
How do you recall those first sessions with a specialist?
I found a wonderful child therapist. I remember that at the beginning she was very skeptical that I was going to any therapy. You can say that I was a rebel in this topic, because why immediately after school, instead of going somewhere with friends or having time just for myself, I went to the office.
After a few sessions, I started to get into it, perceiving it as a conversation with someone close to me who understands me and sees that I am not pretending, but that I really have depression and personality disorders. I felt like I was talking to a mirror, but this mirror is saying what it really looks like, not how I see it. This was very helpful.
Often, when I was talking about situations that took place in my life, my therapist made it clear that these were my subjective feelings. I was starting to look at it all with a distance. It gave me hope that maybe there really was a way for me to start seeing the world differently and thinking differently.
Can you give examples of this mirror verifying your world view?
I saw everything only as black and white, there were no shades of gray in my system, and about pinkIt was definitely out of the question.
I have had times when I thought people were laughing at me, thinking bad things about me. I remember one of those meetings with my parents' friends. There were other kids and I was convinced that they looked at me like they hated me, judged me and thought I was bad, stupid and hopeless.
When I was telling my therapist about it, he would ask me questions: "Why do you think so?", "How do you know so?", "Did they really make you feel that this is so?" With small steps, answering these next questions, I realized that it is not necessarily the case, that these are my projections.
And how did personality disorders manifest themselves?
It was quite easy to spot and recognize in my case.
When I started to mature, the hormones were buzzing in me probably more than in my peers. It started with a mood swings that turned into attacks of fury. I broke dishes, windows. I could tear doors out of their frames. When I thought that a girl was hitting on my boyfriend, it was also not merciful. Besides, I fought not only with girls, but also with boys who upset me with something. All it took was a small spark, one flick like in a lighter and I was already hitting someone else.
My feelings, such as anger, sadness, and on the other hand, laughter or joy, were for what I call "extreme high level". Never in the middle. My mood changed for any reason, about 20 times a day. It was hard to get along with me, but to keep up with me and live in general.
How did you feel about these emotions yourself?
For me it was so tiring that at times I just hated and hated myself. I was so tired of these changing emotions that when I got into therapy, at least I knew that when my mood changed, when I fell into this roller coaster of emotions, I called the therapist and made an appointment. I was already very well aware that I needed help.
Did you mention that in addition to therapy, I also started taking medications?
Yes. We wanted to see if the drugs would help me or if they would be needed at all. It turned out that they are a godsend for me. Thanks to them, I was able to function normally and work on myself during therapy. I noticed that the therapy changes my way of thinking about myself, but it is also good to control my emotions by first taking small doses of drugs that stabilize my mood, anxiety or insomnia.
Insomnia?
As a newborn baby, from what my mother told me, I slept very little. The older I was, the more often I wasI suffered from insomnia. There were also new stressful situations - school, exams, baccalaureate and with them my fears and frustrations began to grow. They take drugs all the time.
Yes, there were moments when it seemed that maybe it was the time to stop taking them, anyway, I tried to do it myself, without consulting a doctor, not telling anyone, but it always ended fatally. It was ten times worse than when I started taking them, so I learned and understood that you can't play with it and risk it like that, because it's better to swallow them than to feel suicidal or be on the verge of endurance with yourself.
Do those extreme situations like fights or throwing objects still happen to you?
No. I am proud because I managed to control it. Just like over my vocabulary.
I was a person who talks first, then thinks, and sometimes doesn't even think about what she said to whom and what the consequences would be. Whether it was my mother or grandfather, everyone could hear a bunch of invective from me. I had no control over it.
Luckily, Grandpa was the one who came out of it unscathed. He worked a lot, so when we saw each other, it was either better days or we tried to pretend they were better days because we didn't want to worry him too much.
Was there anything besides therapy and medication that helped you fight depression?
A steady daily rhythm and a he althy diet. I know this may sound clichéd and people with depression do not like such clichés, but there is a lot of truth to it. A bit of exercise and limiting fast food or sweet things really gives a lot. Once a week, I myself allow myself a little pleasure, but on the other days I just try to eat well.
When it comes to exercise, of course, not everyone likes great effort, but it really helps, it releases endorphins. It doesn't have to be a gym or cross fit, but you can go yoga, dance or cycle.
I noticed that apart from physical activity, all kinds of activities such as language learning, ceramics help me a lot, so that's everything where you can do something, go out to people, go away.
I have a rule that I try to keep that even if I don't feel like it, I force myself and I know that I will thank myself later for doing it. Now in my life, I can't imagine a week when I wouldn't go to the gym for once. Now that the restrictions are removed, I am returning to dance training, I love to swim, go to yoga, Pilates and even pole dance. I used to hate sports, but since it helped me feel better, I amhis faithful fan.
Is there an eating disorder along with the problems you talk about?
I thought I would never be the one who had problems with this. And yet. I generally love food, but there came a point when I suddenly didn't like everything and the very thought of eating made me feel worse.
Myeating disordersstarted with anorexia. Of course, at the beginning I explained that it was just a diet, that I wouldn't have a problem with something like that. Day by day, however, it reflected more and more on my he alth. I figured that if I did not eat anything, I would have a beautiful complexion and no pimples, like girls competing in programs such as "Top Model". Meanwhile, it was completely different. I still had skin problems, my hair fell out, my nails broke. There were also hormonal problems and those related to the menstrual cycle.
Then came bulimia. I was thinking in terms of: "Ok, maybe I threw up, but I only do it every now and then, and besides, I ate something before and it surely isn't any disease." It was very illusory thinking.
When did you realize you were struggling with another problem?
When I went on vacation. As is usually the case with all inclusive holidays, the hotel had all sorts of nice things to eat and I did start to eat a bit, but right after I ate I felt remorse and even if it was he althy, I ran to throw up. It has occurred to me that what I am doing is stronger than me, that it is some kind of addiction that I cannot stop. Coming back also became the topic of meetings with the therapist.
What did you want to hear from your loved ones in these most difficult moments?
Until I turned 20, it pissed me off that nobody believed me, especially my grandparents. I was irritated by texts like: "In my time, your father would have pounded your ass and it would be over." Besides, the fury and panic attacks were the worst, then what I wanted most was that someone would sit with me, stay with me, and at least try to understand what was happening to me to a minimal extent. And instead of support, I heard that I should calm down, not spoil someone's day or stop pretending because someone is paying attention to you.
I was at that time as I say "very territorial". Especially when it comes to my room. If someone entered it, changed something in it without my consent, I would get tears and anger.
Did you get these words of support?
Yes. The longer I went to therapy, the more they saw the change. They no longer asked why I'm showing offonly when there was a problem, they reported a willingness to take me to a specialist or asked what we could do together to extinguish the emotions that were building in me. My depression and personality disorders started to be treated for real, not how I see mine.
Have you ever wondered who you can get this for?
At first, I didn't see any connection whatsoever when it came to depression, but over the years I felt an unusual connection, such a connection with the male part of my family - my father, my grandfather. The first point of common ground was the insomnia I mentioned. Then I saw more and more clearly that my dad and grandpa had certain moments in their lives that indicated depression. Grandfather maybe less, because his whole life is a job, so even if something depressed was happening to him, he defended himself against this work and his view of the world. I think that he was just very lucky when faced with this disease.
In our conversation, it's hard to leave out the topic of your dad who committed suicide. What emotions do you have about what has happened now?
I have it worked so well. This is still a difficult topic for me and for each of us, I mean our family. I have moments when I just try not to think about it, try to disavow it. It comforts me that so many people remember about him, just like everyone in the family would like them to remember. It may sound strange, but depression is such a strange and sometimes inexplicable disease that there are times when it's easier to be somewhere else than to fight it. In some cases, the whole life is hard to call life at all.
Unfortunately, almost every person who struggles with depression at some point thinks about such a choice, an alternative. Perhaps for my father this seemed to be the best solution. Was it? It's hard for us to judge because we didn't sit and sit in his head.
Were you mad at him for making it, that he left?
It's a natural part of the mourning process and there were moments like that, but I don't remember that period very much at all. I drove him out, and at the same time I took a lot of drugs to deal with it mentally. I really needed a lot of support and help. If it wasn't for the therapy and medications, I wouldn't be able to go through it. I am not a believer, but I am also not an atheist, but rather an agnostic. I believe that my father is in a different, better world, that he feels good there and that we may meet someday.
What would you advise someone who is also struggling with problems like you?
I know from my own experience that when you listen or read thatthere is hope for a better tomorrow, that there are drugs and therapy, this is not just talk, but the truth. It is worth breaking down and helping yourself. Keep going and fight for yourself.
It is a long process that lasts for years, and sometimes returns after these few years, but it really pays off, because it changes our lives and transforms our perspective into a better and easier to carry.
I used to have no control over my behavior or emotions, and today I know when a change is coming in me that I do not really want to take place. I am also more understanding about what I am going through.
I would like people to finally understand that a person struggling with psychological illnesses is not a misfit, a person who runs around the city naked and bangs his head with a hammer, but each of us, even the quiet one, a calm colleague from work next door, or an energetic, spontaneous colleague who does not show that she has any problems, but may have one.
Who is your greatest support right now?
My therapist. After I said goodbye to my child therapist, I had to find someone who works with adults. It took me a long time to find the right person. We get on one hundred percent, I feel that although it is not easy at times, this work with her makes sense.
Internet haters criticize your admitting your weaknesses?
I pay attention to it, but not from my point of view, because someone insults me, criticizes me, but I'm just worried about the fact that there are so many young people who have similar problems.
I have become immune to harassment, profanity, inappropriate remarks, but many of them are harassed, they have to keep secret what they have a problem with. I know this because many of these people write to me and talk about their mental he alth problems.
Someone recently wrote that his parents said that in getting rid of "this depression" a visit to the church is enough, because it is definitely God's punishment for stealing chewing gum from the store. Drama.
I hope that more and more people will talk about it, especially in schools where young people should have the same support as I got. I am glad that stars such as Lady Gaga and Pink admit to their problems. They are people who have a huge impact on young people, on their perception of the world. I hope that when they see them, they will think that if they can, I can do it too.
What does show business give you?
A lot of stress.
If it's stress, why do it? You can get involved in so much lessstressful activities?
In fact, it was not me that pushed myself into this show business, but he suddenly appeared in my life and it stayed that way. Then I thought to myself - why not try? After all, you live once. This is my life motto.
I'm trying so my strength in shows such as "Dancing with the Stars", soon you will be able to see me in the series "Cops", I record more songs.
I don't want to ride on my grandfather's name, but prove to myself and the world that I have something to offer. At the same time, I'm not doing it in some irrational, pushy way. I keep telling myself that there will be time for everything and my dreams will come true. I want to do this and live on my own terms. I recommend it to everyone.