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February is the month of love, but for many people it is a period of reflection on previous relationships. We spoke with psychotherapist Magdalena Sekowska, director of the SWPS University Clinic, Family - Couple - Unit, about the situations in which it is worth considering re-entering the relationship, how such thoughts affect the current relationship, and whose opinion should guide us when making a decision.
Patrycja Pupiec: Are your thoughts about going back to your ex-partner normal? After all, for some reason we decided to part ways.
Magdalena Sękowska:Considerations and analyzes regarding our previous relationships are normal. My guess is that for about three years after the end of the relationship, memories of my ex-partner emerge. Sometimes we try to relate to some aspect of the relationship, sometimes we miss something that we have realized in this particular relationship. Our ex-partner may appear in our dreams because this process of closing a relationship or even mourning after a relationship can continue, and with it, thoughts related to it may appear.
These considerations do not have to mean anything, there may be memories activated or associated with a given situation that make us want to return to that experience and the atmosphere associated with it, often we also want to come back to ourselves from that period. There may be a longing for the old relationship because the relationship we are in at the moment does not meet our expectations or it turns out that after the end of the relationship, we are still alone and nothing new has happened in our life.
What should you think about before deciding to reconnect with the person you broke up with?
First of all, it is worth considering what type of relationship it was, what this particular relationship was based on, and on what need it was built. Maybe it was a relationship in which my partner gave me a sense of security, he was a support for me, my friend. It is worth reflecting on what this relationship gave me, and not forgetting why we broke up, that is, consider why we failed.
We often think that we are looking for a person with whom we want to build a relationship, yeswe are really looking for surrogate characters, e.g. caregivers, whom we have not fully experienced in our family life. Of course, these processes are unconscious, so you can compare it a bit to observing the situation from a bird's curl, i.e. try to look at this relationship from a distance.
In a situation when we want to reconcile with our ex-partner, is it worth listening to our loved ones, or is it better to listen to yourself? Or maybe the third party perspective is the key?
This is an individual matter. If we have good self-reflection, we know ourselves, we can look at ourselves objectively and be at a distance, then we can be based on what we want and want. If we trust ourselves and our own judgments, we are able to do it on our own, because talking about the problem, e.g. with a mother or a friend, is so dangerous that we choose people who are similar to us in our lives. It is a kind of a trap, because we have a similar world view, a similar map of life and people, so it may turn out that just in such people we will find the confirmation we are looking for.
In such situations, I always advise you to go to a specialist consultation - a psychologist, psychotherapist or coach, who will help us look at the matter from a different perspective, which was for some reason unavailable to us. Such an independent person can certainly ask questions that we do not ask ourselves, so it is worth confronting, checking and of course - making decisions.
People often come back together because of loneliness or lack of wax. These are probably not the right reasons to consider this solution, are they?
These mentioned reasons are the group of so-called reasons beyond the partner that push us to re-enter the relationship. This is a difficult question that cannot be answered unequivocally. It is definitely worth thinking a bit more favorably about returning when we have made the decision to break up in the form of retaliation or to keep our pride.
It often happens that we rashly decide to break up, and after time we realize that we love this person and that he is the most important for us. It is always worth thinking and referring to whether our feeling is up-to-date, whether I feel connected with that person, or whether the partner comes back in my mind. It happens that love lasts and we break the relationship, but we feel that we have done something against ourselves, so I think that it is worth referring to these aspects in particular.
And in a situation where we are in a new relationship and our thoughts return to the previous partner? How might thoughts of coming back affect your current relationship?
As long as referring to your ex-partner is completelynormal phase in creating a new relationship, often in a new relationship, we think back to the previous one, because we are disappointed, we are affected by unfulfilling, so in a sense we are looking for a point of reference. We think that it was better or more interesting with that partner, but unfortunately such comparisons always work to a disadvantage. Comparing - we evaluate, evaluate, give meaning.
It may happen that we completely unconsciously put ourselves in such an emotional state, when we neglect or even depreciate our current partner, because we return to a specific image. We must remember that after a breakup, we only carry the image of the man in us, not the reality. It is then easy to update his portrait in our psyche, but it may hide what we could draw from the current relationship.
That's why I encourage you to distance yourself and even be critical. This longing for a previous partner may mean that something is happening in our relationship, so let's take it rather as a signal of what is happening here and now, rather than try to relate it as a determinant that we need to retreat to our previous relationship.
How to take this first step in case we want to go back but misbehaved when breaking up?
I think that authentic behaviors always have a strong influence on interpersonal relationships. It is worth looking for a contact with this person - he can write and ask for a meeting. However, we must be aware that this person may be at a completely different point in his life and may not necessarily agree with us on this matter. Merely trying to make contact takes some kind of courage, it can be used for cleansing.
Sometimes it may turn out that the other person is also in some expectation, unsatisfied, and if we talk, at least we will have the feeling that we have done something that was authentic, and that always has a lot of development force for everyone .
How to behave if, despite our best efforts, the other party does not want to return?
It's not good to build a relationship on invasion, crossing borders. If this "no" is categorical, it is a signal for us that someone is defending himself against something. Perhaps this person will change their mind in the future, so we can ask them to let us know if anything changes. Sometimes this reluctance is dictated by a defense against a difficult situation, sometimes a trauma or events that took place in this relationship.
Just talking, naming, discovering yourself gives a lot of opportunities, sometimes also reaching the point that my refusal is negating what was related to the previous relationship, but we could be together if we builtcompletely new report.
Breakups often give you a chance to be a better person, to grow. Returning to an ex-partner is associated with the opposite. In what situation is this a step back for us?
This is not always the case. If we draw conclusions, distinguish between patterns that we entered into with our previous partner, we can make a difference. Change is a way out of what is repeatable, which did not bring the intended effect, so it can certainly be a developmental step as we consciously try to build a relationship. Coming back to each other may also be associated with the fact that a couple decides to seek the help of a specialist and psychotherapy.
Certainly, many couples find it easier to get back together when there is a third party to help them. This is often the case when the experience of betrayal arises. At the beginning, many people think that it is over, that it is impossible to build anything, but therapeutic work very often allows one to integrate. Thanks to this, it is often possible to build a completely different quality of the relationship, because every situation that is relational in nature can be developmental for us.
Many people come back together and break up - several times. Is this normal, or can we speak of a toxic relationship in this case?
In such a situation it is evident that such a pair is repelled and attracted by something, so they are in a kind of repetitive cycle. If this is the case, it is worth confronting it and using a psychotherapeutic consultation to see what pattern these people are actually entering. Couples psychotherapy is not about changing the personality traits of partners, but about changes in the patterns that arise when they are together. Such constant returns suggest that the pair is still in the same mechanism, and exceeding it would require finding a different form, dynamics, but it does not always mean that the relationship is toxic.
It is always worth considering what relationships we enter into and looking at each relationship with some self-reflection. Let's think about what we did well and what we should avoid. By reflecting on these stories, to our partners, we can use them as a source of our own knowledge from which we will draw on as we move forward. It is worth taking advantage of it, especially when it comes to handy.
Read other articles from theseries therefore:
- in relation. Love absorbs completely, so how does it affect our he alth?
- in relation. A sociologist on pressure on relationships: Today it is more difficult for us in love than for our parents and grandparents