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Today, the problem of the decline in desire is almost like an epidemic. But it is up to us whether we feel like having sex again. There is no desire without pleasure, and excess responsibilities and stress block the body's ability to feel pleasure. How to find this skill - advises the sex coach Karo Akabal.

This is a peculiar phenomenon.Desireis so fleeting that we don't really know where it comes from or how it works. We talk to the sex coach Karo Akabal about what it is, what destroys it, how to find it and nurture it in a relationship.

Why does desire often disappear in long-term relationships?

Karo Akabal:This is explained by the production of hormones, primary and biological conditions. It is said that chemistry between humans is needed for a short time to raise a child, then it wears off. I am surprised by the radical nature of some experts' statements that this is the case. I believe that sexual attraction is nothing more than a broader passion, a desire to live in itself. From experience and observation, I conclude that people who have a high level of so-called life energy, passion in life, have a successful sex life. And the length of the relationship is irrelevant here. The theory that sexual attraction declines in long-term relationships works a bit like a self-fulfilling prophecy - since we already have so much evidence that it does, it seems completely natural … I encourage you to consider the various theories about sex and desire.

So, in your opinion, what are the reasons for the decrease in libido?

K.A.:The main problem that women and recently men come to see me with is that they are losing their desire for sex. In the community of sexologists, there is talk of a decline or crisis of desire. And it is most evident in our sexual relationships, but not only. Passion, desire is at a premium in everything. People are tired of work, life and their choices. In general, the level of satisfaction in life and the fire that makes us even want to get up in the morning is low, so it's hard to expect that we'll be happy to go to bed. I approach sexuality holistically - we are not sexual only when we close the bedroom door behind us, we live sexually all day long. And we must cultivate this passion and desire all the time so that when we meet a loved one, it is the onethe fire was raging. There is another reason why we lose interest in sex as we age - it is because we are not aware of the stages of sex life. It seems to us that when we reach a certain age, our sex life is over. This is not the case, then its new stage begins.

From the research of prof. Izdebski shows that Poles are satisfied with their sex life …

K.A.:When we look at this research, it turns out that for Poles, good sex is regular intercourse lasting several minutes, followed by a kind of release of tension. Perhaps for some it is satisfactory … Meanwhile, satisfying sexual contacts, not necessarily relations with the so-called penetration and orgasm, they can be an afterburner for us, an additional source of energy. There is also a typical belief that sex is done for something - to make the relationship harmonious, to discharge energy or, for example, to prevent the husband from going sideways. And sexuality can be a source of extra energy in life that helps us to carry out daily chores with a little less pressure.

How to find desire in yourself?

K.A.:Train pleasure. Pleasure training allows you to overcome the effects of cortisol and increase the pleasure capacity in our bodies, but also in our heads. And pleasure is the first phase of desire. Pleasure first, then lust, and then orgasm. And since pleasure is not a priority in our lives, we must train this pleasure in ourselves.

Is it worth using preparations that increase libido?

K.A.:Such measures will not help to convince and think, "Duties first, then pleasures." But in some cases they may turn out to be useful, e.g. when the cause of a decrease in libido are hormonal disorders, cardiovascular diseases, diabetes. Also, preparations that help you have intercourse, such as Viagra, lubricants, agents that improve blood supply to the genitals and irritants around the urethra, can also improve the quality of intercourse. However, it is worth knowing how these measures work.

Stress can effectively quench desire. Why?

K.A.:The lifestyle we lead is anti-orgasmic. In order to enjoy sex, the body must be relaxed, the breathing is even, the mind calm, free from worries. It is difficult to achieve this state because we are overstimulated with cortisol, which is exhausting for the body. That's why we just fall asleep after a hard day, there is no question of sex. Long-term training is needed to overcome the effects of cortisol. However, typical ways of relieving tension, such as sports, although they help, do not have a good effect on the ability to get excited, because physical exertionmakes the body exhausted again.

We often forget about the basic function of sex, closeness and intimacy, which is the release of various hormones that lead to orgasm. This path begins with touch. Then, oxytocin is released, the hormone of love and attachment, a natural opponent of cortisol.

You are encouraged to train … for pleasure.

K.A.:Training increases the ability to feel pleasure. On the physical level it is getting the body used to pleasure, on the mental level - overcoming the beliefs that are harmful to our sex life, for example: "First duties, then pleasures."

What is this training about?

K.A:Finding 15 minutes every day to practice pleasure, whether we have fulfilled all obligations or not. It is not about consumer pleasures suggested by advertisements, for example, for sweets or entertainment. For many people at the beginning it is difficult to distinguish the pleasure that I am talking about, because we are used to the fact that pleasure is also bought. Eating a cookie or buying perfume will make you feel better for a while, but then it has consequences and is ineffective.

What kind of pleasure is it then?

K.A.:There is no payment for this pleasure. For example, you have 15 minutes, go outside, sit on a bench, breathe deeply and feel the sun on your face. It's about stopping. When we give ourselves a quarter of an hour of pleasure, we are like a little child who discovers the world, we look for pleasure everywhere. It can be, for example, drinking tea in a beautiful cup, bathing, applying cream, caressing the body, lying on the grass, reading a book … It is a pleasure that we can train everywhere. Let us immerse ourselves in it.

How does it work on sex life?

K.A.:After some time of practicing pleasure, we naturally begin to "reach" for a loved one as if "a pleasure object". Hugging, touching, holding a hand is not only a symbol that we are together, it is also simply pleasant. We often forget about the basic function of sex, closeness and intimacy, which is the release of various hormones that lead to orgasm. This path begins with touch. Then oxytocin is released, the hormone of love and attachment, the natural opponent of cortisol. And the foreplay begins from the moment you wake up, and we ourselves make sure that we provide our body with pleasure throughout the day, meet a loved one, continue to enjoy the pleasure, until we finally want to expand it even more.

Iscan you train pleasure with a partner?

K.A.:Yes. To a workout that everyone does separately, we can add the pleasure training in hand. It may just be a pleasant quarter of an hour spent together, cuddling, dancing, trying out different forms of touch. But it doesn't have to be sex. The small steps in this daily pleasure that we share together lead us to strengthen the intimate bond.

Are there any gadgets that make pleasure training easier?

K.A.:You can use geisha balls. Already a few thousand years ago in China, the so-called jade eggs. They were used by women to train the so-called pleasure muscles, or Kegel muscles, just like modern progressive balls. During the workshops conducted by the Chinese Tao teacher, in which I participated, the ceremony of applying the beads lasted nearly 3 hours! So I encourage you to make a session of pleasure out of it.

Worth knowing

Our sexuality is changing

There are several sexual stages in a woman's life. We often don't know about it, because sex is still a taboo in our culture.

  • Child- learns the world with all senses and everything can be a source of pleasure. Also, contact with your own body.
  • Girl- it's a time of getting to know your body and the sexual pleasure that comes from masturbating.
  • Woman- learns sexual communication, the paths of desire and the orgasmic potential. Develops his own ars amandi (the art of loving).
  • Mother- enters a new family and social role - the role of mother. After giving birth, everything changes: the body, life situation, activity. Sex will also be different. But the woman does influence it.
  • Mature woman- sexuality after menopause is separated from the possibility of creating a new life. A woman changes physiologically, emotionally and socially. If she wants to remain sexually active and enjoy sex, she must get to know herself again.

Based on the materials of Karo Akabal

monthly "Zdrowie"

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Category:

Sex problems