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Victoria is 20 years old, she is studying psychology in Warsaw. She had felt for a long time that she was not happy. First, she sought help from her parents, and then to a therapist, but the medications prescribed by a psychiatrist did not help. She felt remorse and fear. It was then that she found out about the existence of drug-resistant depression.
Marcelina Dzięciołowska: How did it all start? When did you first feel you needed help?
Victoria Mrozowska:It was before my eighteenth birthday. For a long time, I felt something was wrong. I was constantly subdued, sad, I felt very badly mentally. One day I told my parents that I wanted to see a specialist doctor to see what was wrong.
How did the parents react?
It was quite a difficult road, my parents couldn't accept that something might be wrong with me. It affected them quite strongly, but they agreed. Then I went to a psychiatrist in another city. There, I heard that it was depression and immediately got a prescription for medication.
What drugs were these?
These were the SRRI drugs.
How did these drugs work for you?
Mostly they made me feel cut off from the world. I felt that there was a great wall between my emotions and the outside world, and I was unable to feel any emotions towards other people and the world. It influenced me a lot. After all, being on these drugs still couldn't cope with my life.
What happened next?
I made a mistake - I put them off myself. It was a very big mistake.
How long did you decide to stop taking your medications?
It was after about 4-5 months of taking.
You say it was a mistake - what was the effect of self-withdrawal?
I didn't feel tragic at first, but I had no support in any of the measures, and my emotions became even more difficult than at the beginning. There were also other diseases.
Have you come back to the psychiatrist?
Yes, I admitted that I stopped taking my medications, described the symptoms and said that I did not feel well after them. Then I was prescribed other medications.
How did you feel after them?
As bad as after the first ones, in fact.
What did you feel when it turned out that the drugs weren't working as they should?
I felt worse and worse. There was something wrong with me. I thought the drugs weren't working was my fault.
Did you feel like there was no rescue for you?
Yes.
You put the blame on your side. I understand that at that stage you did not know about the existence of drug resistant depression?
I had no idea then about the existence of drug-resistant depression.
What happened next?
I have not stopped taking the pills myself. I remember then that I started taking medications for other diseases at the same time. After some time, the psychiatrist offered me a therapy that would eventually change something.
What kind of therapy was that?
It was a therapy for drug-resistant depression with the drug spravato with esketamine.
Esketamine is taken intranasally - is that true?
Yes.
Did you feel any difference in how you feel after using esketamine?
It came gradually. I noticed such little things - I was more willing to act, I wanted to meet people, do all kinds of things.
How did you react to the news that you are not the problem, but that it is the kind of ailment for which the drugs do not work?
I felt relieved in a way. I found out that there was something that could help me and it would probably work in the end. Then it dawned on me that it was not my fault, the reproaches were gone.
Depression is treated in multiple ways - it is advisable to use pharmacotherapy simultaneously with specialist therapy. How was it for you?
I didn't attend therapy for a while. I had such a transition period, because after moving to Warsaw, I was looking for a suitable specialist here on the spot.
Are you still taking esketamine?
No, I don't accept it anymore.
How long have you been using it?
From September 2022 to the beginning of this summer.
So it took quite a long time. Is esketamine taken once a day?
In the beginning, I took it twice a week - I went to the doctor for esketamine. Later, depending on the individual situation of the patient, it is used differently.
It's been a while since I stopped taking the drug. How are you now?
I feel like everything has stabilized, I feel like I have a normal life. Sometimes it's worse, asometimes it's better, but thanks to esketamine, I am able to function normally in society and contribute to it all.
We all have better and worse times, it is important to allow ourselves to do so. Sometimes acceptance is the key. At the beginning of our conversation you mentioned that you are studying psychology - wasn't your choice of field of study accidental and was it related to the fact that you experienced mental he alth problems yourself?
This is partly related. I chose this direction mainly because I like working with people, but I also saw on my example how difficult people's problems can be and that it is worth helping people like me.
Having knowledge and skills it is certainly easier. Especially that in the current pandemic situation, these mental he alth problems affect more and more people and are getting worse. Even in the immediate vicinity, there may be cases of people who need this help. You also mentioned that your parents couldn't come to terms with the fact that it happened to you too. How does it look today?
My parents support me in this whole process these days. They mean well, but sometimes they say something wrong. They do not have enough knowledge, they are also a different generation and sometimes they say something that they feel is ok. Nevertheless, they are still present in my therapeutic process.
What would you like to say to people who are in the same situation as yours? If someone reaches for this help and it turns out that there is no therapy for him? Where to start? What to do when medications don't work?
First of all, don't blame yourself for going wrong. Therapy is a long process, you need to carefully analyze what is good for me and what is not. This situation is very individual for each patient. You also cannot be afraid of the therapy process. It takes time and dedication. You have to put your fear aside and reach for help, because the chances of getting out of such a situation on your own are almost zero. You need the help of another person - a specialist who will direct you on the right path.
You mentioned that your parents sometimes said something you didn't quite want to hear. I thought it might be a good tip for not talking to someone who is depressed.
First of all, do not dismiss the person who is talking about your problem. I very often participated in conversations in which, when I was talking about my worry, someone told me that he had the same and that there is no need to worry because it will pass, and then he changed the conversation path.
I often come across thisthat people criticize people who tell someone who is depressed that everything is going to be okay. In my opinion, such words are any help, because such a person does not have to know exactly how to behave and what to say in such a situation.
Have you used support groups for people with similar problems?
No, I focused on working with the therapist. I am still continuing my therapy.
Thank you for the interview.
About the author
Marcelina Dzięciołowska Editor for many years associated with the medical industry. He specializes in he alth and an active lifestyle. A private passion for psychology inspires her to take up difficult topics in this field. Author of a series of interviews in the field of psycho-oncology, the aim of which is to build awareness and break stereotypes about cancer. He believes that the right mental attitude can work wonders, therefore he promotes professional knowledge based on consultations with specialists.