We cannot talk about death, although it is the most intimate and at the same time the most natural event in human life. However, this is not our fault. How fragile life is, we are really aware of the news of an incurable disease. After the shock, there is disbelief in the medical diagnosis: It must be a mistake!

Father pretended that he was doing well all the time. He did not admit pain. He didn't want to worry us. He knew he was dying, but we couldn't talk about it - these words of the patient's daughterhospicecould be repeated by many of us. In the past, people died at home, surrounded by their relatives. They said goodbye to them, reconciled and communicated their will. Relatives and neighbors stood at the death bed. There was time for vigilance, prayer, important gestures. Today, death has been stripped of its majesty, pushed out of our lives like something shameful. It often takes place in the hospital when the family is away and we don't know how to deal with them. We cannot talk about death - the most intimate and at the same time natural event in human life. It is not our fault. The development of civilization made us lose direct contact with nature, and thus the ability to observe its rhythm. The family model has changed. Most often, we do not observe our grandparents and great-grandparents aging and dying. Death is therefore something completely new for us, incomprehensible and terrible. And yet it is necessary to talk about her. Hospice workers caring for the dying say that this should not be a taboo subject in our homes. We get used to dying best when we talk about it. In this way, we help our loved ones leave. And paradoxically, it is thanks to death that we find a deeper, true meaning of our life.

Memento mori - death affects everyone

To young and he althy people, death seems so distant that it is unreal. We all deeply delude ourselves that it will never happen. Only an incurable disease reminds us of the fragility of life. The body comes to the fore, because it determines our being or not being. The rest is unimportant. A disease of the body becomes a source of fear of pain, infirmity, loneliness, and final judgment. Some people have the courage to talk about it directly, others think that such a conversation will bring them closer to death, and avoid it.

From rebellion to acceptance of death

Sudden news of an incurable disease makes a person feel shocked and confused. Immediately after that, she begins to deny everything the doctors say: - It's some kind of mistake. I can't be so seriously ill. Slowly, however, the cruel truth begins to reach his consciousness. Anger is growing against the whole world, including myself. The sick person cannot accept his own handicap, loss of position in the family and company. - Some patients learn about cancer overnight and have to quit their jobs just as quickly - says Sławomira Woźniak, psychologist at the Archdiocesan Palliative Home Care Center. - Men in managerial positions are particularly angry. They cannot come to terms with the fact that the world is governed by laws other than those they have established. That suffering and death are inseparable elements of life. After some time, however, the patient gives up his rebellion and begins to bargain. He tries to postpone the moment of death - until his daughter's wedding, until the birth of a grandson. Then he ceases to believe in the sense of these treatments and becomes depressed. I don't want to take medication or eat. Finally, it matures to accept sickness and death. And surprisingly, it gives him peace. He becomes kind to the environment and himself. He even begins to enjoy the moment. - One young woman found the greatest happiness in watching her children - says Sławomira Woźniak. - “I just sit and look at them. I don't need anything else, ”she used to say. This kind of distance is almost unattainable for he althy people.

Taming death by talking to a sick person

We rarely visit our dying friends or neighbors. We believe that it is not appropriate; that in such moments the sick person should be left alone with the family. Consequently, we have no idea what to do or what to say when the dying is one of our loved ones. - In such a situation, the family has yet to learn how to deal with the terminally ill - says Father Andrzej Dziedziul, director of the Home Hospice Center. Most often, the surroundings are as frightened as the sick. I don't want to hurt him. Avoids the subject of death. He's trying to keep the truth a secret. It also happens that both sides are aware of the hopelessness of the situation, but do not talk about it so as not to hurt each other. The conversation is replaced by the constantly repeated question: "how are you feeling?". It's kind of escaping the problem.

Taming death: living with the knowledge of impending death

It would seem that the time from leaving the hospital is for a terminally ill patient just waiting for the end. “I'm sorry, but nothing will work anymoreto do". Many patients treat these words of the doctor as a sentence. Usually, there are several months, weeks or days left to complete it. It happens that the last months or weeks of life become an extremely precious and beautiful period. Finally, there is an opportunity to meet with a relatives that you haven't seen for a long time, forgive your neighbor, put your property in order, shake off a tormenting secret from your heart. All this can be achieved by a sick person through their relatives. He won't do it if they don't break the barriers of silence about death together.

Regret for life is felt by the dying regardless of age. The old man defends himself as strongly against death as a teenager. It happens, however, that older people have a sense of a fulfilled life and eagerly await the end, pray for its imminent arrival, and are prepared. They look forward to meeting their deceased family members, friends. Perhaps the individual stages of the response to illness (shock, rebellion, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) extend over time. Perhaps some older people go through it much earlier because they have already lived through someone else's death or are not having it at all. However, they undoubtedly feel more at home among the dead than among the living.

Important

- Grandma died when I was a student - recalls 40-year-old Joanna. - I dreamed that she took me for cookies, we sat down to eat them on a park bench, and she said it was goodbye, because we will never go out for something sweet together. I called home this morning. I knew something bad had happened. I believe Grandma really came to say goodbye to me.

Taming death: mourning usually lasts about a year

The death of a beloved person is not the end, but the beginning of pain for those who stayed. Mourning has different symptoms and phases. You can't be surprised at anything, everyone reacts in their own way. Some cry, some find no relief, and many feel physical pain and sickness. Sometimes people throw themselves into work to get tired and not to think. In the past, it was believed that the soul of the deceased was at home for three days after death. But our dead never leave us, they are present in our thoughts, they come back in dreams. We are consoled that someday we will meet in a world without pain and suffering.

- In the case of cancer, mourning for the deceased begins even before his death - says Maria Bogucka, a psychologist at the Home Hospice Center. - Despair is accompanied by a complete disorganization of life. During mourning, they need to be rearranged. In Polish conditions, it usually takes from half a year to two years. But the presence of the deceased is felt by loved ones for much longer. However, ifDuring this time they return to everyday life: work, school, home duties, no cause for concern. It is worse if, after two years, the orphaned person cannot find himself in the new situation. She should visit specialists who will advise her on how to learn to live.

monthly "Zdrowie"

Category:

Psychology