Baby blues and postnatal depression have been a taboo subject until recently, although the feeling of resentment and anger towards your own baby is a problem for many new moms. They are still ashamed to speak, they chastise themselves for these feelings. Completely unnecessary. They have the right to do so. Psychologist Marta Zagdańska talks about postpartum depression and baby blues.
Psychologist Marta Zagdańska:Depresja , especiallypostpartum depressionibaby bluesthese are topics, to talk about. Most mums in the first stage after giving birth feel that they have had enough, and even that they do not want this baby because it is constantly screaming and terrible. Almost 80 percent. about the third day after childbirth, the so-called baby blues, the full intensity of which lasts a week and disappears completely after a few weeks. But fatigue, irritability, and apathy may also appear later. When mum is accompanied by a mood swing, difficulties in caring for the baby, a feeling that she is not coping, then a feeling of aversion towards the baby may appear. At the same time, mum feels responsible for them, so she blocks expression of anger. While he may get angry with an older child or a partner because he gives himself greater consent, he does not have such consent in the case of a baby. Hence the various problems in dealing with such a situation. But rejecting a child and not taking care of him or her is another problem - a very small percentage of women are unable to perform basic activities in caring for their toddler, such as feeding or changing them.
M.Z .: They can start as soon as a woman learns that she is pregnant. The first group at risk of such a problem will be women who did not plan a child, especially when conception took place in dramatic circumstances, e.g. rape, unwanted sex. Then, extreme feelings towards the toddler often appear. But it doesn't have to be the case. Reluctance towards a child may also arise when a woman has difficult relationships with her partner and a sense of a bad life situation caused by housing problems, work problems, lack ofparental acceptance. Sometimes, paradoxically, in such situations it also happens that the mother directs all her love to the child, looking for a friend in him, someone to love, who is a cure for all evil. She will love them unconditionally and expect love from him in return.
M.Z .: Not necessarily. When she comes across some serious obstacles in her life, she may feel that she did not want the baby. If this is accompanied by a strong sense of guilt and a schematic thinking that the child must be loved and not have negative feelings towards him, there will be internal tension, conflict.
M.Z .: Yes, most often the emotional problems of young mothers come from misconceptions about the blessed state and motherhood. Some women, before they get pregnant, think that these 9 months are such a wonderful time, during which they will look cool, proudly carry a big belly, and will always feel great. There is no place in their ideas that pregnancy may limit them and force them to lie down, mornings will greet them with nausea and vomiting, and their appearance will change to their disadvantage. Later, when the physical ailments and realities of motherhood begin to overwhelm their ability to cope with the difficulties, they too may direct their anger at the child as the perpetrator of the situation. Fear of childbirth may also appear at the end of pregnancy. If a woman has no one to talk to about it during this period - a doctor, other women who have given birth or will give birth, a supportive partner - this fear may also result in an aversion to the child.
M.Z .: How she can help herself depends on how strong the emotional conflict is in her. Sometimes it is enough for him to read a newspaper article, watch a program on TV and find out that it is normal that other women do too. It's hard to talk about such emotions, go to your partner, mother or friend and say: "You know, I'm fed up with this pregnancy, this baby is terrible." Many women are alone with these emotions, do not express them because they are ashamed. So when she finds out that it happens that she is not a bad mother, then she will give herself the right to experience bad emotions. And that will help her.
M.Z .: Sometimes the problem is deeper becauseit is related to other factors, e.g. the mother is in a difficult family situation, the child is unwanted by the father, there is violence in the relationship. Then the woman may have a problem not so much related to the pregnancy itself as to her own emotions. Usually, she is also less mature and emotionally unstable then. Then you have to seek the help of a psychologist.
You have to remember that the emotionality of a woman during pregnancy and the puerperium is very disorganized and unstable. Especially in the first months after giving birth, when the baby benefits from the mother's emotional equipment. He is not able to function independently and he is in symbiosis with his mother. It can be very difficult for women who are not mature, who themselves feel to a certain degree of children all the time, need a lot of care and care from the outside. Pregnancy perfectly reveals such personality problems - dependence towards other people, instability, explosiveness, lack of assertiveness, difficulties in taking care of yourself. In such women, pregnancy and the first months after giving birth can be very difficult, and they often feel that the baby is "sucking" them up. It should also be remembered that during pregnancy, a woman is cared for by her husband and family. He receives a lot of positive signals from his surroundings and is in the center of attention. Suddenly, when she gives birth to a child, most of her environment focuses on the toddler. Grandmas, aunts, partner - everyone is interested in the baby, and she is suddenly left without what she got from them for 9 months. At the same time, she is very burdened with caring for the baby. Then he may feel angry. Often there are also thoughts that he will stop giving this care because the child gets more than she does.
M.Z .: The best method is to involve your partner in caring for the child. Mom then gets support, but on the other hand, he doesn't feel rejected and is more ready to be interested in his partner.
M.Z .: Traumatic childbirth can leave a permanent mark. Women often think in terms of "I made this sacrifice and you hurt me." So if labor has been very difficult, it is very important to support the woman, especially in the first weeks of the puerperium, and pay attention to how she talks about the birth of a baby. When he comes back to it, he often leaves the child in the care of other people - a sign that he needs more care. It's worth itthen use one or two psychological findings, because difficult childbirth may, in extreme cases, cause post-traumatic stress disorder. It is based on the fact that the person who suffered a strong traumatic shock later avoids the situations that are associated with it. In turn, post-traumatic stress disorder can cause insomnia, apathy, and greater nervousness.
M.Z .: Much depends on whether the woman expected pain. If her overly idealistic attitude towards childbirth does not work out, she may feel a deep sense of harm. Childbirth can also trigger emotional problems that have not been resolved before. Women who have heard from their mother that they caused her pain in childbirth may also react with fear to their own baby.
M.Z .: It is definitely not easy, it is much easier to talk about poops, confidence, feeding problems. But going to other mothers, talking on walks, allows a young mother to understand that this is not only her problem and that she does not have to remain alone with him - then the emotional unsteadiness after giving birth disappears faster. In addition, it is important to take care of space for yourself. A young mother must not feel that she has to be with her baby every second. So we need other people to care for: grandmother, partner. In the first weeks after giving birth, a young woman is unlikely to be relaxed by a visit to a beautician, unless she really feels the need to do so. Most likely, it will be much more important that she can finally get enough sleep. I remember a lady who came to me with a great sense of guilt. She had two young children, between whom there was a year and a half difference. My husband went to work every day, and she took care of the children, the younger one hardly wanted to sleep, and when he fell asleep, the second one woke up. It got to the point that at some point she could not stand it and hysterically packed the most necessary things, announcing that if she did not leave the house, she would go crazy in a moment. She left the children with her husband and grandmother, got into the car and drove to the hotel, where she slept 24 hours. After returning home, she felt a great deal of guilt for leaving her children. But her levels of stress, fatigue, and lack of sleep were so high that she couldn't handle it. That is why it is sometimes good to allow yourself that someone else takes care of your child for a few hours. It is worth going for a walk then,sit alone on a park bench, read or simply lie down and sleep.
M.Z .: This may lead her to reject the child. She will try to show him this love by force, outwardly, as it were. With the intention that it would never feel and see that she disliked him. As a result, it may not pay attention to the toddler's real needs. It doesn't matter what the baby needs at the moment: feeding, changing a nappy or being overwhelmed. Certainly, this behavior will harm her child.
M.Z .: Someday, in a few years, a child may have educational problems or aggressive behavior, caused by the belief that "mum does not love me". If the feeling of aversion towards the baby is suppressed for a very long time, sometimes it happens that at some point the mother cannot stand it and, for example, she stomps the baby too much or instead of gently putting it to the crib - she throws it.
M.Z .: Certainly not. We are talking about two different things. The fact that I am angry with my child and resent him, that I sometimes see a monster in him because he screams and is obnoxious, doesn't mean that I don't love him. The whole problem is that women find it difficult to accept the fact that they can almost simultaneously experience very positive but also negative feelings towards their children. It is only natural that mum needs to be alone and not look after her baby all the time, or that she is afraid to do so. This by no means means that she doesn't love her little one.
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