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SORRY is one of the smarter words people use when dealing with each other. It allows you to repair the damage with little effort, prevents further conflicts and inspires confidence in other people. It is also a symptom of maturity. How to apologize to apologize?
An apologyis an expression of remorse for having done something bad, hurt, or hurt someone. When we accidentally step on someone's foot on the bus, we say "sorry".
The mostly apologetic person accepts the apology and forgives the unpleasantness. In this way, the problem is resolved and both parties remain in good relations and in a good mood despite the unpleasant event. Unfortunately, not everyone can apologize and not all apologies are accepted.
Forcing me to apologize to no avail
Jola, a patient of the psychological office, said that for years the word sorry could not pass through her throat. “It's because my parents once made me apologize to my grandmother. She was really unfair to me, so I said to her "You stupid woman", I was a child … But my father heard it and he got mad.
I remember this situation: all these adult people - father, mother and grandfather - stand over me and stare at me with a frown, and my grandmother is in front of me. I had to walk up to her, apologize to her, and kiss her hand. It was horrible, horribly unfair and humiliated of some kind. Until today, when I remember it, I feel like crying … "
Jola was forced to apologize against her will and was instilled in this way for years disgusting the word I'm sorry. Such an act of submission, however, has little to do with repentance and forgiveness.
When to apologize?
Forcing to apologize is usually the expression of a lack of understanding of what an apology should mean. One of my friends recently told me a good example. Her daughter in kindergarten does not cause any trouble. However, at home, if anyone does something that goes against her, she says, "You must apologize to me immediately." Explaining that you apologize to someone when you hurt them does not help, and not that mom tells the child to brush his teeth.
This girl probably doesn't understand the word sorry. She believes that if she felt anysorry, someone has to apologize to her for it. Meanwhile, the apology should be an expression of empathy and regret that the other side was inadvertently hurt. Such an apology activates all the beneficial effects of this act: forgiveness, belief in the good will of the other party, a feeling of closeness and even friendship. However, for an apology to be so powerful, you must learn to apologize.
How to sayforgive me
For the apology to be beneficial, however, the other party must know that it is sincere, that the perpetrator truly regrets, and that he has no intention of repeating this behavior.
Here's how, step by step, you can achieve it:
- Make it clear that you know the other person is sorry: "I know that you are sorry, I can see that it is unpleasant for you."
- Say you didn't intend to cause this unpleasantness: "I didn't expect my behavior to hurt you so much." l Explain why you did as you did so that the other party could convince yourself that you had no evil intentions.
- Add that if you knew about this unpleasantness, you would not let it happen: "If I knew it would hurt you so much, I wouldn't do it …".
- Apologize: "That's why I'm sorry, don't be angry …". If you see that the apology has not been accepted, ask what else you can do: "What can I do to keep you from getting angry (so you won't be sorry to fix it …").
When not to apologize?
- Don't apologize if you don't think you've done anything wrong. Explain why an apology would not be appropriate here. However, you can say that you feel sorry for the other person's pain.
- Don't apologize under duress. This is insincere. l Don't apologize angrily. It doesn't work.
- Don't apologize to the detached person to end the conflict. This won't end it.