- It's easier to end a relationship than to save it
- Who is to blame for the breakup?
- Learn to notice your guilt
- The art of building relationships
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Being single is promoted in the media today. For some, it is a justification for the fact that they are alone, while others consciously make such a choice. When do we choose to live alone and why is such a model becoming more common? This is due to the current social changes.
Declaredsingle womencome from among women who choose a career, not building a family and having children, say psychologists. They are educated, attractive, lead an intense erotic life, fulfill themselves in accordance with their own needs, work in a professional position, and are financially independent. They enjoy life without limits.
Sometimes they live in a cohabitation periodically or in a long-term free relationship - they do not run a common household, but meet a close person from time to time (2 or 3 times a week), living separately. It is difficult to determine who is single today and who lives in an informal relationship, because the line is blurring.
In any case, the longer a woman lives alone, the less she values marriage and family, so less often she decides to marry. Some people realize in their early forties that they may not be able to deliver their babies. Then, under time pressure, they look for a partner and usually find him. The result of such action is late motherhood and the need to give up the current lifestyle.
It's easier to end a relationship than to save it
Once divorce was the last resort, today it is the solution to the problem. Because it's easier to break a relationship than try to save it - it requires some work and sacrifices. Meanwhile, we are used to the easy life - from childhood we have everything at our fingertips, we do not have to strain, we do not have to reckon with anyone.
That's why we don't do anything to maintain the relationship either. It didn't work, it's hard and everyone goes their own way. Psychologists compare marriage to a garden. It is not enough to sow once and harvest crops throughout your life, you have to do something constantly: weeding, fertilizing, watering. Meanwhile, many people don't feel like it. What people do not understand is that marriage is primarily a school of compromise and the ability to resolve conflicts.
We prefer to get a divorce than to fix what we broke. Research shows that the longer we live in an informal relationship before getting married, the bigger it isprobability of divorce. This is due not to the cohabitation itself, but to the personality traits of the people living in it. It is easier for them to decide to break up when something is not going according to their expectations and it is easier for them to accept the breakup.
Who is to blame for the breakup?
The clash of two families, their values, customs, then the appearance of a child and the related reorganization of life, a higher professional position of a woman - all this is conducive to the emergence of conflicts. To deal with this, you need to build the foundations of a strong relationship from the beginning. Let us not impose our ideas about life and our values on the other person, let us not force our reasons.
Because even if we succeed, it will be an apparent victory. It turns out that the responsibility for the relationship falls on the shoulders of the "winner" - now he has to make sure that the rules are followed. In such a situation, the "loser" withdraws, and then the "winner" accuses him of not trying, blaming him for the breakdown of the relationship.
Learn to notice your guilt
Meanwhile, the responsibility for a crisis situation always lies in the middle. Until we notice our contribution to the destruction of the relationship, it will not be possible to fix it. We see our partner's flaws, we know what he should change, and we don't see our mistakes. Often times, the fear of confronting our own problems (difficulties with self-esteem, communication, and role models from home) is so great that we hide our head in the sand.
You have to have the courage to admit it. But that's just the beginning of mending the relationship. Then you still have to introduce changes, remodel your habits, even the way of communication. Relationships break up when one person needs overprotection that they don't get or are "hung on" on to the other. Often the cause of conflict is violence (physical, mental, financial) and betrayal. If the betrayed person understands that he is complicit, then it is easier to forgive.
The art of building relationships
We don't listen to our partner, we impose our own arguments, we pull out mistakes from years ago, we can't fight for ours, we hide our regrets - all this sooner or later leads to the destruction of the relationship. To avoid this, we need to be clear about our understanding of marriage and our role in it. For one person, safety is a big account (when I lose my job, the family will survive), for the other, the partner's concern when he comes back tired from work. One claims that it does not provide a sense of security, the other is convinced that it does. In order to maintain a relationship, you need to learn to speak openly about your needs and priorities. When we learn to talk to each other, then all other problems usually resolve themselves.