Christmas after divorce - planning them is especially difficult. After all, this is not an easy task, even in a traditional family. It becomes even more complicated when mom and dad are no longer together, new partners of the parents emerge, and often their offspring from previous and new relationships. How to deal with it? How to help children accept the new situation and organize the holiday after divorce?

Christmas after divorce: don't put children under unnecessary stress

"Marta (38 years old) is divorced. Children - Kacper (4 years old) and Asia (7 years old) - are at their dad's at weekends. During Christmas, each spouse wants to have them only for himself. Children must listen to the quarrels who are very much affected by parents' quarrels. " How many families do this happen again every year? And who suffers from it the most?

This Christmas scenario is one of many that occur in reconstructed families, commonly known as patchwork. And how many such families, so many different constructions, scenarios and problems that all its members have to face - not only during the holidays. However, Christmas time is the climax of what happens in such a family on a daily basis. It matters when it breaks up, with which of the parents the children are left with, whether the adults have started new relationships and whether they have new children. Relationships between former partners are of key importance - are they still at war, or have they managed to calm their emotions and come to an agreement, inter alia, in terms of childcare or finances. All this "comes out" around Christmas. Therefore, if it is difficult for ex-partners to agree anything with each other on a daily basis, put the holidays on your own. To avoid this, one must be mature and good-will, and above all be guided by the needs of children. Because in this complicated situation, they are the most important. They need and have a right to both parents. But when new people appear in the family - dad's partner, mum's partner, step-siblings, it can be a real challenge for the child. It is worth giving the children time to meet new people and establish relationships, and prepare them for this event before Christmas. Watch carefully what is happening to the child, what is difficult for him. Patiently help in adapting to the new situation and, for example, not force them to show warm feelings to "new grandparents", becausefalls out.

Divorced parents must remember that for children, Christmas is a magical time when their dreams come true. We must not allow anything to spoil it. If the family cannot gather around the same table, you should look for solutions that will not expose the children to unnecessary stress.

It depends on the class and level of parents whether children will be forced to listen to malice about mutual failures at the Christmas table. Although it can be very difficult, it is worth considering whether during the holiday season it would not be possible to put aside all regrets and complaints, and focus only on making the Christmas run peacefully and joyfully?

Determine early with whom the child is spending this year's Christmas

The child will definitely want to stay with his mother and father. Organize it so that no one is harmed this Christmas after the divorce. If he spends Christmas Eve with you, do not protest when the other parent takes them on the first day of Christmas.

On the stress scale, divorce is the second most stressful event (after the death of a spouse). It is a kind of loss that is sometimes very difficult to come to terms with, especially for children. On holidays, the pain of parting can come back again, intensified by an exceptionally family atmosphere. It is then that memories, disappointed hopes, a sense of guilt and loneliness come to the fore. Often, at the festive table, one also has to confront the grievances from the family, and this does not make it easier to come to terms with the situation. However, you should give yourself time to mourn after parting. Once you go through it, there will be room for new feelings.

On the first Christmas after the divorce, when you have not cooled down yourself, do not make your child another revolution. Plan them keeping in mind his peace and his own. Consider where this time will be more comfortable for you. Look for people in the family and around you who will silence the "storm" and support you in difficult times, and not incite hatred and fueling a conflict with your ex-partner.

Agree with whom the child will spend Christmas after their parents divorce

It is important for the child not to feel emotionally blackmailed and their choices not to affect the overall atmosphere. Remember that divorce for a small family member was a big trauma, so try to make sure that the child does not feel like a pawn who has no influence on the decisions made. Keep them informed about your arrangements and ask for their opinion to make them feel loved.

Only holidays full of love and good words will be remembered with longing. Make yours too, even when the family doesn't spend them together.

Important

No more fiction in the holidays afterdivorce

Happy family at the same table - this image begins to blur after divorce. It happens, however, that former partners sit down with their children for Christmas Eve dinner to create the illusion of joint holidays. This may be due to the inability to "work through" the breakup and come to terms with the new situation.

For the sake of children, it is not worth maintaining that you are still a loving family, because it is not true. Your family is no longer whole. Meeting at a shared table can be a painful experience not only for you, but also for the children, as it makes it difficult for them to cope with the loss of your breakup. At the same time, it can awaken in them hope that you will come back together again. It happens that people who come from divorced families, as adults, still fantasize that their parents will be together again.

Also after the divorce, take care of the family atmosphere of Christmas

Holidays are a good time to forgive each other's grudges. You both need to realize that the most important thing is for your children to remember Christmas in the best possible way. Forget what's bad and avoid arguing in front of your kids.

Planning holidays requires flexibility from both ex-partners, and this can be different, because in relationships often grievances prevail. It is worth restraining your emotions, sometimes making concessions so as not to exacerbate the situation. On holidays, children should be able to enjoy the closeness of each parent. But is it worth insisting that your child should be visited by two families that evening, grandparents, old and new relatives?

Even if you live nearby, it is better to spend this special evening in a quiet atmosphere, rather than moving from place to place. It is better to divide this time so that the children can spend some time with both parts of their family. Older children may have their own wishes related to the holidays, e.g. they want to be with a parent they do not live with on a daily basis. It is worth respecting this decision and fulfilling it if possible, without embroiling the child in his emotional dilemmas. He is deeply experiencing the whole situation anyway, and the parent should help him cope with it, even though he often suffers.

What to do when grandparents also insist on meeting their grandchildren? It is worth taking this into account in your holiday plans, because for children, these people are still part of their lives. However, it is not necessary to strive for these meetings at any cost. This type of pressure from parents or former in-laws can add hardship and pain to people who are not able to reach an agreement anyway. The most important thing is to focus on the needs of children and adults who find themselves in this situation - mom, dad, theirpartners. In the case of former in-laws, there will be a greeting phone or a Christmas card. You can meet other relatives on another occasion.

The respect shown to the child and the opportunity to meet not only the other parent, but also the grandparents of both sides, in the future will result in the lack of resentment and anger that the child was raised without the love of one of the parents.

This will be useful to you

Christmas after divorce - code of good principles

  • Disputes regarding holidays should not be brought up in front of your child.
  • Don't compete for your child's favors for gifts. It is worth discussing the issue of gifts in advance. Do not express yourself negatively (not only with words, but also with facial expressions, gestures) about the gift that the child received in the other home.
  • Do not turn your child against the kids from dad's new relationship.
  • Don't ask your child how they spent Christmas with the other party. He will tell you himself if he wants to, but don't comment on what you hear.
  • Treat your new partner's children kindly, but do not overdo it with tenderness. Also, don't impose your company on them. Let them get used to you slowly.
  • Try not to favor your kids. With your partner, try to distribute everything fairly - gifts, time, feelings. At the same time, do not expect the same from your stepchildren as from your own children. Respect their needs and boundaries.
  • Respect the rules introduced by the stepchildren's mother, do not comment or criticize them.
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