- Why is my friend from work telling me?
- Play open cards with your toxic friend
- Search for allies in the fight against informing
- Hidden reasons for informing
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A toxic friend from work can turn your life into hell. He talks about you behind your back, reports every delay to work, sets others against you - your co-workers and the boss. Don't give in!
A toxic colleague at work , who reports everyone around, is a serious problem. Apart from sleep time, most of us spend almost half of our adult life at work. We spend eight hours a day in the company of the same people. Sometimes for many years. And although these are not always contacts that build, whether we like it or not, we are involved in relationships with the people we work with. Each of us brings our emotions, expectations and individual experiences to these relationships.
In private life, we choose our friends, and we just break up unpleasant relationships. At work, we are doomed to what fate will bring. And this one often plays tricks on us. Perhaps you also have a problem with a friend who is sitting at the next desk … Then this text is just for you.
Why is my friend from work telling me?
Seemingly everything is fine. Maybe he even smiles when you walk into work in the morning. She praises the new hairstyle, glances at the dress appreciatively. Or … she greets you with a clouded silence, pretending not to hear your "good morning". But you know very well that behind the mask of indifference or under the guise of sympathy, there is disinterested malice. You wait in suspense for the next signs of hostility.
And you have these almost every day. At the meetingher toxic friendforces her ideas down, depreciating yours. He takes your credit for himself in a perverse way. He fights ruthlessly for the boss's recognition. He secretly or quite overtly plays his clever game of "mine better." Is it a coincidence that she is the one to carry out your invented project?
That your boss makes you unpleasant remarks, even though you don't deserve it? That the rest of the team is looking at you strange? A toxic friend spreads a thick fog of resentment around you. He gossips behind your back, obligingly informs your boss of your every stumble, undermining your authority in the group. He is playing his duplicitous game in a more or less open way (sometimes pretending to be kind). "Why is she doing this?" You think despairingly after another ghastly day at work.
The reasons are usually theredeep in personality - and this, as you know, is shaped by all our past experiences. Maybe you remind her of a girl from the neighboring yard, whom she did not like in her childhood? Maybe he carries his unsatisfied ambitions and the need to dominate, so he is competing with you for the promotion of his dreams? Or wants to be important at work, thus compensating for personal failures?
Play open cards with your toxic friend
The situation is bearable when the tension is only between her and you. Worse, if your opponent manages to win the rest of the team over to her side. Then you can become a victim of group mobbing and your life will really turn into hell.
In addition, the more frustrated the team becomes (for example, with a sense of pressure from management), the more they will need a safety valve for their emotions in the form of someone to focus their dislike.
You can, of course, ignore your friend's behavior, hoping that she will find another victim in some time. Indifference helps sometimes, but not always. In the long run, hiding behind a computer monitor may prove fatal for you.
By withdrawing, you show your weakness and thus put yourself in a lost position. You are at risk of alienation and frustration. Sooner or later you will lose respect in the group and in the eyes of the boss. By being passive, you give your opponent the satisfaction of winning. Therefore, it will be better to react. Only how?
The first step is a face-to-face conversation. If your opponent is convinced that you are afraid of confrontation, she will be unpleasantly surprised. By exposing her game, making it clear, you are demonstrating that now you are the one who deals the cards.
In the conversation, you directly reveal her intentions and set your own limits, saying that you do not want this behavior. Even if you don't achieve complete victory, it will strengthen you and improve your self-esteem.
It is likely that your bully will argue that these are just your imaginations. Do not worry and be hard on your own, even threatening with a sanction if necessary, i.e. talking to the boss.
If this "educational" lesson does not work, you should fulfill your threat and seek the endorsement of an authority. Ask your supervisor to talk openly in three people (with the participation of a friend). A wise boss will know what conclusions to draw from such a confrontation and how he should intervene.
Search for allies in the fight against informing
Let's assume, however, that you cannot count on support "from above" or you do not want to involve the management in your games. In such a situation, you have no choice but to dolook for allies in the group.
This does not mean that you have to resort to intrigues and plays on the level of your opponent. However, it is worth taking up the challenge and fighting for your position.
Try to win over people by proving that you are a trustworthy, competent and kind person. Give others a disinterested smile, appreciate their work, come to the rescue when needed.
But don't fight for sympathy at all costs. Do not let yourself be used, do not assume the responsibilities of others, take care of your own boundaries. If you treat yourself with respect, others will also respect you.
Hidden reasons for informing
There is one more method: try to tame your enemy. Perhaps your opponent's reluctance is due to the fact that she has some serious problems and takes out her frustrations at work.
Maybe her behavior is a hidden request for attention and support? Think about it and find a way to reach her. Get interested in her life. Notice her. When entering work, smile in greeting, without waiting for her smile.
Ask for he alth, appreciate your pretty appearance, even suggest going out for lunch together. And in some time… who knows - maybe you'll get a new friend. And even if it doesn't, you at least feel better.
How to recognize toxic people around us? How to effectively protect yourself against them, what is the toxicity of and are they subject to therapy? These and other questions are answered by Zuzanna Butryn, an experienced psychologist and psychotherapist from Warsaw, in an interview with Michał Pokleckowski in the Drogowskazy broadcast on Eski Rock: