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After divorce, you have to build everything from scratch. And this new can be so much better than what left off. But in order to be able to enjoy life again - first you have to deal with the grief after the breakup, say goodbye to the past, organize your own feelings and reconcile with the loss.

You can still smell his shirts in the wardrobe, there is still aftershave on the shelf in the bathroom … You suffer, you feel hurt, and at the same time you look for guilt in yourself. It is natural after adivorce . If something that used to fill your life suddenly disappears, there is regret and a piercing feeling of emptiness. It is experienced by thousands of women who, like you, ask themselves, “Why is this happening? Why did he do this? What's wrong with me? ”

Allow yourself to tears after the divorce

The feeling of regret after the partner's departure is compared by psychologists in terms of the strength of experiencing it to mourning after the death of a loved one. Only when we die, we are officially mourning, and everyone knows we have the right to mourn this loss. We receive sympathy, sympathy and declarations of help. In the case of divorce, the environment tends to analyze who made the bigger mistake, whose fault it was, whether it was possible to prevent such an ending, etc. The aspect of loss is not noticed and you are left alone with your despair. In addition, you often don't want to admit to yourself that you are in pain after your partner leaves. Even if you feel a lot of anger towards your ex-husband and you treat the divorce as a liberation (e.g. because of alcoholism or violence) - the feeling of loss is overwhelmingly strong. And it's not a short process. The phase of regret, bitterness, and error analysis may last six months or even a year or more. But you'd better take these feelings as some life experience than repress them and cultivate a sense of injustice that will eventually poison your life. Confronting the emptiness and your own experiences is a necessary element of overcoming the crisis and the first step to rebuilding your life.

Important

The number of divorces in our country is growing rapidly. We are starting to lead the way in Europe in this respect. Usually, people between the ages of 30 and 49 split up, and the most common reason given is incompatibility of characters or failure to maintain marital fidelity. Last year she divorcedto 73 thousand Polish married couples - that is 5,000 more than in 2005. It is the highest divorce rate in the history of Poland so far! There are currently 33 divorces for every 100 concluded marriages. In addition, fewer and fewer couples are standing on the wedding carpet. Do we prefer to live alone?

After the divorce, don't fight your emotions

You may feel not only anger and regret, but also fear for the future - what now, how will you manage financially, how will you spend your holidays and holidays? These and other questions will haunt you every day. It is very likely that they will be accompanied by lowered self-esteem. You may feel inferior, but that doesn't mean you are - these are just your feelings! To survive it all, you should remember that this is how it is meant to be. It's a natural state. Memories, good and bad, will come back to you. You can cry over your photo album or watch a movie of your wedding boringly. You have the right to it. You also have the right to lock yourself in the four walls of your home and suffer.

After divorce, don't refuse help

Don't underestimate the people who care for you though. Divorce is an emotionally difficult experience, usually treated as a personal failure. The support of relatives, friends and people who have gone through it themselves is extremely important. It allows you to believe that it is passing and that you can arrange your life anew. Also, don't avoid confiding - talking about your feelings helps you understand and deal with them. Sometimes professional help is needed - a conversation with a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, or even pharmacological support. Do not reject this option, especially when your mourning is prolonged and you are concerned that you will not be able to cope on your own. Staying in this state for too long can turn into depression.

After the divorce, do not force anything!

However, when you feel that you just need a quiet reflection in solitude, take time. Don't force yourself to relate to people if you don't want to. Don't do anything against yourself. In a time when the wound from divorce is still fresh, it's easy to make mistakes. Some people try to drown out the pain by throwing themselves into the whirlpool of their social life. Others turn to alcohol or enter into new relationships too quickly. This can be fateful, so it is better to persevere in a period of grief without making radical changes. This is a good time to think and sort things out. Only then, when negative feelings start to fade away, when you say goodbye to the past in a natural way, will there be a place for something new somewhere on the horizon.

After the divorce, come to terms with the facts

Be patient. It takes time toyour life worked out again. The change may turn out to be beneficial. As long as you really want to do something with your life, that you don't close yourself up with feelings of hurt and rejection. It is very important to accept what has happened. Move from disappointment and disappointment to reconciliation, acknowledging what happened. A milestone in a new life is accepting responsibility for your divorce. When the time is over mourning the loss, say to yourself: "Well, it didn't work, it's hard, maybe I didn't know how to solve something, for some reason we couldn't communicate." The point is to see your own part in it, not just the blow from the other side. To get out of the role of a victim, not to be convinced that you have no influence on your fate. Even if your partner has cheated, it may be that the responsibility applies to both of you, or you simply chose the wrong man. Don't feel guilty - everyone has a right to make mistakes. When you realize all of this, you have the opportunity to grow. You can close something and try to move on. If you feel sorry for the other person all the time, you won't take a step forward.

You must do it

Start with small changes

It is good to change the rhythm of the day a bit, withdraw from the daily rituals and introduce something new (morning gymnastics, afternoon coffee with a friend, return from work in a different way than usual). Remember, haven't you thought about enrolling in college? Do it now. Have you ever wanted to sail? Sign up for the course and go to Masuria with your friends.

You alone exert the greatest influence on your life. Be a wise inspiration for yourself. And don't be afraid of changes - they bring so many possibilities, you just have to take advantage of them!

Do you lack motivation for long walks in the woods? Get a dog. It is also good to change something in the apartment - repaint the rooms, replace the curtains, rearrange the furniture, ventilate the wardrobe (emptying it of the rest of the ex-husband's belongings). Some people are helped by altruism - for example, they find themselves working in a hospice or a nursing home. So think about what you would like to do and put it into practice.

Open up to new ones after your divorce

The worst is behind you. Consider how to fill the time that is now much more. Perhaps after your divorce, your social life fell into disrepair (your friends, for example, were mostly your husband's friends). Think how you can rebuild them. Will it be possible to maintain relations with the former company, do you prefer your circle of friends, or maybe you want to make new acquaintances? It will certainly be easier for people who were already active in marriage, had their passions,interests, extra activities. After the divorce, they can devote themselves to them with redoubled energy.

For some people, their springboard is work, improving professional qualifications, pursuing a career. However, be careful that this is not a flight to work. After a while, it's good to slow down a bit, learn to relax, and start enjoying life again. Women whose life so far has focused on their husband and family are in a worse situation. Especially when they think that they have invested a lot in their relationship. When the husband suddenly disappears and the kids grow up and go about their business, the feeling of emptiness can be harder to bear. Then it is worth looking for something for yourself. Maybe you will discover some love in yourself or you will remember the dream from your youth and try to make it come true?

After the divorce, try to keep moving and develop

A dance lesson, language learning, a course, a trip abroad, or even a weekly visit to a museum in the company of a friend … Everyone can find something for themselves, remembering that it is never too late to develop your passions and learn new skills . It is important, however, that these are real interests, and not just an attempt to fill time with anything.

A good way to get out of the hole is to play sports regularly. Physical activity will strengthen you mentally, improve your condition and well-being, and it can also be an opportunity to meet interesting people and make new friends. As you step out of your closure and start doing new things, you will rebuild your self-esteem, begin to notice the bright side of life, and you will feel that the world is open to you. Maybe it seems impossible to you now, maybe it is too early and you prefer to cry. But if you've already cried into your pillow, take the first step - take your dog for a walk and think about the future - leave the past behind the door.

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Category:

Psychology