What is codependency and how to treat it in order to successfully break free from the toxic relationship and find a new meaning in your own life? Anna Krasuska talks about how alcoholism (or another addiction) affects the lives of people most closely associated with the addict with Lubomira Szawdyn.

Living with an addicted person, one cannot help but experience the terrible effects of his illness. Addiction is a disease that affects the whole family. Emotional losses affect everyone, and repairing them requires long-term therapy.

What is codependency?

It is a total surrender of one's life to another person and the resulting suffering. A codependent person lives the life of his addicted partner (or another loved one), not his own.

He adjusts his behavior to it, adjusts to the rhythm of drinking (or other activity), gives up his own dreams and ceases to pursue himself. Such a person has a strong relationship with his loved ones and considers it natural.

Does codependency only apply to alcoholism?

Initially, this term was used to describe people suffering from alcoholism of their relatives. Currently, it covers all types of addiction, including drugs, gambling, sex, etc.

Can you live with an alcoholic and not be a co-addict at the same time?

It is possible, but few people manage to keep their own limits without professional help. The codependent person loses his own identity. There is chaos in the family, people get lost in their emotions.

The boundaries between my individual "me" and my partner's "I" are blurring. In such a situation, it is difficult to meet your own needs, which often the codependent person cannot even define.

Worth knowing

The term "co-addiction" appeared in the United States in the 1970s in drug addiction centers in Minnesota that initiated Twelve Step addiction treatment.

How does a codependent person behave?

Depending on the phase of the addict, his relatives experience extreme emotions. People in the patient's circle function like him: between euphoria, depression and anxiety.

Codependency is a full emotional connection with another human being, being overly sensitive and caring abouthis moods, controlling, justifying him and protecting him when he collapses important things in life.

It is also taking responsibility for the functioning of the family. Co-addicted people have an exaggerated sense of guilt, are easily manipulated, and have low self-esteem.

They also most often deny what is happening. An alcoholic's wife has the illusion that by controlling her husband's drinking and sacrificing for him, she will save him and his family.

This is not the case though. When the husband is drinking, she is afraid and acts blindly, runs away or seeks help. When he stops drinking, she enjoys it, helping him “cover his tracks” and repair the losses caused by his drinking. After some time, anticipating the next thrust, the wife becomes in control again.

Do co-addicts also need therapy?

The whole family becomes ill because of addiction, so the whole family should also receive treatment. Participation in the therapy of all its members gives an approx. 80% chance of the addict getting out of the addiction and repairing mutual relations.

When only an addicted person or only one of his relatives goes for treatment, then the chances are reduced by half. Treatment of families usually takes more time than treatment for addicts.

The process of becoming aware of the problem is longer and the motivation to change behavior is more difficult. Co-addicted people often stop therapy because somewhere in the subconscious they have a coded belief that they do not need it.

What is the therapy for co-addicts?

Therapy for families is the same as for addicts, although it is not done together. In addition to individual contact with a therapist, group activities are also necessary.

It is very important, because only the confrontation with others allows you to find the distance needed to introduce changes. The group gives the opportunity to identify with its own problem. It also gives a sense of strength, gives joy, and helps to survive the most difficult moments. Sometimes it even becomes a foster family for a while.

What is the goal of therapy? Help an addicted partner? Saving the relationship?

No. The goal of therapy is to change ourselves - to realize that we are capable of managing our own lives. First, however, you need to recognize your problem and be willing to face it. A codependent person develops a whole system of defensive behaviors that enable him to survive in an abnormal situation.

These behaviors boil down to keeping the family relatively stable - that is, protecting the alcoholic, thus enabling him to continue drinking. If this system is violated, that is, we begin to face the problemand doing something to solve it, your whole life so far crumbles.

The point is to find the courage and strength to build something anew. Therapy is about learning new behaviors - incl. "Hard love" - ​​and consistently implementing them. However, a codependent person must first of all take care of himself, organize his emotions and learn to separate his own life from someone else's.

What happens to your partner while you heal?

Paradoxically, it is also then that he may desire a change. At the beginning, you will probably meet with rebellion and an attempt to discourage you from therapy. The addicted spouse will not accept the changes. In order to continue to drink with impunity, he will fight to maintain the old pattern, because each change means confronting the disease.

The partner may try to manipulate your feelings and make malicious comments about what you are doing. Over time, however, his anger will likely turn into curiosity and a desire to do something for himself as well. This may lead him to therapy.

Category:

Psychology