Longing appears when we feel the lack of a loved one by our side, it may also not concern people at all, but situations, places. After all, we are overcome by a longing for our homeland when we are in exile or at home in our childhood. Read how to tame and deal with longing? And why do we miss it anyway?
Longing- we all experience it under certain circumstances. It happens that we miss a loved one, a past event, a lost relationship or home when we are far away. Longing is often combined with the need for belonging, acceptance and security. Missing is the experience of missing someone or something important from the point of view of the longing person. This deficit is often accompanied by a feeling of sadness, anxiety, sometimes irritability or poor concentration. Such changes in the psychophysical state are natural in this situation. Longing, though often unpleasant, is an integral part of human experience.
Contents:
- Why do we miss?
- When should longing bother you?
- How to deal with longing?
Why do we miss?
Longing is one of the signals about needs. What we miss is important to us. Despite the negative feelings that accompany it, it is worth looking at what we miss. I encourage you to ask yourself a few questions: What is longing about (e.g. home?)? Why is the house exactly important? What does home give me? What needs does it satisfy? What does home mean to me? Can I satisfy the feeling of lack caused by leaving my home in another constructive way?
Sometimes, when trying to deal with longing, we push it out, trying to drown out with too much work or work. Yes, there are situations when this strategy is the only one that can be used, but sometimes it is worth looking for a readiness to look at or confront your longing. An attempt to consciously experience it may turn out to be very developmental. Facing our longing and all its unpleasant consequences teaches us that we are able to deal with them, empowering ourselves.
The point is not to try not to feel the longing, but to experience it fully by learning about yourself from this experience and broadening your perspective. It may turn out that what we initially call homesickness is e.g.fear of the unknown, fear of change, etc. Some say that it is better to have someone to miss than not to have. If we build a close relationship with someone that gives a sense of security, do not be surprised that when they disappear for a while, we feel lack and anxiety.
Thanks to longing, it is easier for us to appreciate what is important.Sometimes only separation makes us realize how much the object of longing means to us. It is she who emphasizes or makes us aware of the role that this particular relationship or place plays in our lives.
Vaccine for the sense of lack.The longing experience is an element of the adaptation process in changing conditions. By allowing a feeling of longing for oneself, working through it can show what, apart from the object of longing, can fill the deficit. For example, leaving the family home despite the discomfort, we have a chance to discover how, in other relationships, we can build a sense of closeness, security, etc. It is often unpleasant training, which requires crossing the comfort zone, but as a consequence has a strengthening effect. By experiencing a longing that will naturally lose its intensity over time, we build and strengthen the ability to bear this kind of frustration. When the need to experience it again arises, fear of the longing is likely to be less influencing the decisions you make.
Read also: Loneliness has many faces. How to deal with loneliness?
When should longing bother you?
A longing, the intensity and duration of which disorganizes life , should be a reason to look at it. If, during the separation, we are not able to functionally function normally, it is worth consulting a specialist. Of course, each person has individual adaptation abilities and finds himself in new circumstances at a different pace, but if the depressed mood lasts longer, and our behavior, emotions and / or thoughts make everyday functioning difficult, it is worth consulting a psychologist. The negative psychological effects of separation, especially long-term separation, may resemble depression in symptoms, so I encourage you to take care of your comfort and be mindful of your own he alth, if the discomfort associated with longing begins to be stronger than the body's adaptive abilities.
Jealousy , especially in the context of longing for your life partner, is a common feeling. It's natural to feel a twinge of jealousy to some extent about the separation. However, if we try to deal with the longing and the accompanying jealousy, we "use" excessive controlof a loved one, objectively unjustified reproaches, it will not serve the relationship. It is worthwhile, if we manage to cool down a little, take a look at exactly what jealousy is about. Perhaps we are afraid of losing a loved one, our control over them. If this is the case, it is worth considering what the purpose of this control is and whether a different, more constructive strategy can be used instead.
Of course, sometimes it is easier to reproach saying: "Why aren't you answering the phone !? You are definitely with someone!" or "I'm worried about you here!", based on my own fears or ideas. However, a message directly based on what a longing jealous person feels may be easier to accept and less disruptive to communication. In such a situation, I encourage you to try to relate to your own emotions and facts, eg: "When you do not speak for a long time, I start to fear that something has happened. I care about your safety." or "You are important to me, so sometimes when you don't say anything I start to feel jealous."
Mourningand all its accompanying aspects also evoke a feeling of longing. The actual dynamics of longing is such that the gradually accompanying negative feelings should fade away and fade away. If, however, despite the passage of time, the manner and intensity of our longing does not change or calm down, it is worth using the support of a psychologist. The longing that accompanies mourning is intense and often never disappears, but as time goes on, it affects everyday life, emotions and thoughts less and less, becoming an episode of everyday life rather than the main content.
It is also worth remembering that there is no point in blaming your partner for your feelings, for your longing. It is not this person who is responsible for how and if we deal with our longing. He can support us, call us, email us, but it is up to us how we find ourselves in the new situation.
How to deal with longing?
Finding yourself an additional activitythat will somewhat suppress the negative effects of longing is not the most constructive way to deal with it, but it is difficult to deny its effectiveness. The strategy of distracting attention and taking time from extra activities in order to "speed up" its course is an effective method, but not very developmental.
New technologiesEasy access to the Internet, phones and all kinds of instant messaging is an effective way to stay in touch. It is true that the lack of direct interaction, e.g. touch, still leaves a certain void, but the mere possibility of maintaining contact at the communication level helps to reduce tensionemotional associated with longing.
Assigning a meaning to the events that caused the longing . If, for example, we miss a child who has left for studies, it will be easy to argue such as: it is natural that a child becomes independent at a certain age, education is important, etc. Finding meaning in a situation of longing allows us to endure the discomfort of separation.
It is worth looking for positive reinforcements in a new situation.Longing is usually associated with some kind of change, and change often means new possibilities. I encourage you to look at what good this change brings, despite the feeling of separation. It may turn out that a child's departure to another city or country is associated with additional free time, which can be used, for example, to pursue passions that have long been postponed. Maybe the place we are in offers new possibilities: seeing new places, trying new dishes. Trying to redirect your attention to what good change brings can effectively reduce the emotional tension resulting from longing.
Longing at different moments of life accompanies every human being. Experiencing it is associated with discomfort and is not indifferent to the sense of psychophysical balance. However, if longing becomes the main motive of everyday life, dominating subsequent spheres of life, it is worth consulting a psychologist.
Worth knowingDr. Anna Braniecka from the University of Social Sciences and Humanities in 2010 as part of her doctoral dissertation "Co-stimulation of positive and negative affect and the quality of life. Benefiting from nostalgia" conducted a research project in which 447 people aged 20-34 participated years. It turned out that longing has not only negative sides - experiencing it can protect against he alth deterioration, help you better adapt to a new situation, understand yourself and the environment1 .
Sources:
1. Access to information about the study on the website: https://www.swps.pl/centrum-prasowe/archiwum-centrum-prasowego/278-badanie/12003-z-nostalgii-mozna-czerpac-korzysci [of 2018-02-01].