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Your child grows up, becomes an independent person and looks for a way to express it. Adolescence is a difficult time for the family. The child rebels, is more irritable, has changing moods. You can survive this difficult time of maturation, you just need to know how.
My daughter growls at me during each conversation, or runs away screaming by slamming the door. She has never caused problems, but now she can be unbearable - complains mother of 13-year-old Emilka. These are typical symptoms of theteenagerrebellion. Their intensity depends on the temperament ofchildand our contact with him. What's wrong with the baby? It just goes into the periodpuberty .
There are many changes in his life. His appearance changes - he becomes similar to an adult - his psyche also changes.
Teenage rebellion
This is a period of intense growth and changes in the body. Hormones "buzz", affecting mood swings and greater irritability. Besides, an adolescent child would like to have more freedom and trust. He wants to be taken seriously.
Meanwhile, we, the parents, demand more and more of him, apply more and more prohibitions and burden them with new obligations. Therefore, rebellion is born. It will get worse if we do not show the child understanding. A teenage child feels its own individuality and wants to emphasize it. It starts with the easiest things.
Different clothes, mohawk hairstyle, nose ring, tattoo, dark room decor, etc. are to emphasize his individuality and communicate the separation from his parents. With his appearance and behavior, the teenager shouts: "Hey, I'm becoming an adult, I have my opinion, my needs and problems. There is so much going on in my life, it's hard for me to deal with all of it …".
Important- Don't raise your voice. Your scream is a signal to the child that you will not help him.
- Listen first. Let him make his point of view.
- Don't interrupt with comments. Ask questions. If you see that your child has a problem responding, don't insist. Maybe in a few minutes she'll be ready to answer you. By pressing, you will only discourage them.
- You don't have to agree with what your teenager says, or disregard all his requests and pressure. Don't let him manipulate you. But remember the arguments. Avoid the words: "I forbid you andend ".
- Talk calmly. "I understand you, but …", "I like your arguments, but you did not convince me, we will come back to this conversation in a year".
- If you forbid something to a child, justify why. Admit it: "I'm worried about you. I don't want to let you go to this concert because I can't prevent what may happen to you there." The child will feel that you care about them. Maybe offer to take them to this concert and pick them up.
- Amaze your child a little, surprise. Treat the problem with humor. Release the tension, let your child know he has a nice parent.
- Don't say: "I am at your age, that's …" or "I was worse, you have everything" - it's for nothing. Better take your child shopping, show how much something costs and how long you have to work for it.
- Don't give a lecture or talk like a toddler. Treat your baby like a partner. Translate in a simple, understandable way
Reasonable setting of boundaries
This "transformation" into an independent entity is a natural stage of development. If the parents understand this, it will be easier for them and their child to get through this difficult time. Rebellion begins early, but between the age of 10 and 18, parents still have time to raise them to become a responsible adult. Therefore, it is necessary to set the limits of freedom in such a way as to be able to expand them. If this year, for example, we do not allow for a trip with friends on our own, we can do it in a year or two.
But let's explain to the child why we do this. It happens that parents allow younger children to do more than their older ones. A 10-year-old is playing with boys, but when she turns 14 her parents suddenly notice that she is becoming a woman and forbid her from running with her friends. Then she thinks: "How could I, two years ago, and now that I'm older, no? At the party two houses away, I could be until 10pm, and now I have to come back at 9pm?". The rights may not be withdrawn once. You have to dose them!
Father's share in bringing up a teenager
Usually, the mother spends more time raising her children than the father. Meanwhile, the teenager needs the support of both parents. Especially in a conflict situation, e.g. after a quarrel with mother, the father's voice will be extremely valuable - even when he is not present in the child's life on a daily basis. Dad can take the child to the cinema, ask for help in repairing the car, listen, tell something about himself, let the child ask questions, explain patiently. Let him tell how he sees the situation and try to suggest a solution. The teenager will feel that he has two parents who are interested in his affairs.
Don't do that1.Do not underestimate and make fun of your taste,the teenager's sympathy and needs. So what if he's in ripped jeans? So what if he's listening to music you don't like? Let's recall how you dressed at that age, what music you listened to, how you decorated your room.
2.Avoid absolute dos and don'ts. "No, because not and now". Let us not be surprised that the child will not follow them. Everything we do by force causes rebellion, also in adults.
3.Do not keep your child under a shade to protect him from the evil of this world. A teenager must learn the rules of the adult world. You have to tell him about them and help him so that his first experiences in this world do not become a traumatic experience for him.
4.Taking away your child's pleasure. Stop! A little understanding. After all, we also need them, let alone a stressed out teenager.
5.Transferring our unfulfilled dreams and plans onto the child. Don't send your teen to a scuba diving course (if he doesn't like it) because you haven't been given it. Listen to his needs, let him have your own passions.
Respect and trust for the teenager
Many tensions are caused when parents want to totally control their child and do not trust him or her. This does not mean that he should be allowed to do everything, but when the child wants to have a party at home, we should clearly define the conditions, e.g. that the guests will be until 9pm and there will be no alcohol. Let's show your trust in your child.
If we don't trust him, he won't feel responsible. Upbringing is not about keeping the branches under a shed and forcing us to copy our behavior. Make sure his room is clean, but don't mess with how the books are arranged (e.g. stacked, not on the shelves).
We don't like the posters on the walls or the music he listens to? Too bad, it's his world, his style! A teenager should be taken seriously. But this does not mean that we should, for example, lay the burden of taking care of younger siblings on him, or require an adult decision.
Having a teenager's voice in family matters (where to go on vacation, what furniture to buy, etc.) is a good way to show that we care about him. There is a great force in trust that obliges us to be accountable. By acting wisely, we have a chance to build strong, authentic bonds that will bear fruit in the future.
Where to go for helpIf you can't cope with your teenager, you can seek help:
- At a psychologist in a family clinic.
- In the OPTA Association, Warsaw, tel. 0-22 424 09 89.0-22 622 52 52.
- At psychologists on helplines. If they are not addressing these issues, they will direct you toappropriate facility on site.
- In guides for parents of teenagers. Here are some suggestions: Michael J. Bradley - Yes, your teen is crazy !, Adele Faber, Elanie Mazlish - How to talk to teenagers so that they listen to us. How to listen to them talk to us, Elizabeth Fenwick, Dr. Tony Smith - Puberty. A practical guide for teenagers and their parents.
The art of talking to a teenager
- The hardest way to get along with your own child - parents of teenagers complain. And although the biggest mistakes in this period are communication errors, you must not give up, but constantly engage in dialogue. It is difficult to make contact when we do not speak to each other anymore.
It is important for a teenager to talk to an adult, because he feels more grown up himself. If we see that the daughter has problems with her boyfriend, talking to an adult woman (mother, aunt) is a good solution. A little confession, a little joke in an atmosphere of female solidarity will be supportive.
The teenager will feel understood. There is no one-size-fits-all model that can be used in a conversation with every teenager, nor proven tricks. Our children are individuals. However, there are rules that should be kept in mind when talking.
Why are children aggressive? Where does this type of behavior come from? Psychologist Małgorzata Rajchert-Lewandowska discussed the topic of child aggression very extensively in Michał Poklękowski's program Drogowskazy on Eski Rock: