The relationship is not a boxing ring, where the fight is over who's on top. Instead of trying to subjugate your partner and constantly compete with him, it's better to let him be you. How to create an affiliate relationship based on acceptance, trust and closeness?

Less control, more respect and trust - argues Laura Doyle, author of the book "The Submissive Wife" and creator of workshops for women popular in the USA. For many couples who have lost all hope of a successfulrelationship , such a four-week course is a last resort. His premise is simple: to give up power in a relationship to get closer topartner . It is used by women who are trying to overly control their men.

Competition between partners destroys the relationship

Sometimes they are bosses at work and they are used to leading people, sometimes they try to mask their low self-esteem in this way. The "I'll show you who's in charge" strategy is often a subconscious message: "I'm afraid of closeness, I'm not worth anything. When you discover it, you will surely leave me. "

The fact that competition is the biggest killer of closeness, Laura Doyle found out the hard way. "I've been a real secular for years," she admits. - I was in control of everything. I told my partner how to put their clothes in the washing machine and of course I checked if he did it right. I interfered with how he dresses, nourishes and who he is friends with. "It's true," Laura's partner confirms. - I felt like a houseplant in this relationship.

Important

A woman who has consciously shed power in a relationship for the sake of closeness knows that true partnership is the belief: “I can live without you. But it was you that I chose from among a thousand others, and you chose me. I want to live in such a way that we never regret our decisions ”. A wise wife knows that there are simply no infallible and perfect people.

Instead of looking for the ideal, she can appreciate her partner. In this way, she also appreciates herself, because she chose him for herself. At the same time, he can accept his flaws as well as his own.

One of Laura Doyle's workshop attendees confesses: “I've been waiting for a knight on a white horse for so many years, and now it turns out that the knight is my husband, whom I rediscover every day. I can feel with himamazing ".

Women for washing and washing. Poles still follow the usual patterns

Poles still divide household duties according to well-established social patterns. Women more often deal with washing and washing, men - renovation and repair works. Polish women often take on most of the duties themselves - over 60 percent. believes that they are better at cooking, and over 70 percent. he attributes to himself greater washing and ironing abilities. In the case of the latter two activities, men also trust their partners more. At the same time, Polish women feel tired and overwhelmed with too much homework.

Source: lifestyle.newseria.pl

You must do it

Decalogue of a wise wife:

    1. Put the good of your relationship first. Believe that it is equally important to your partner. Don't make assumptions that what he is doing is against you or your marriage.
    2. Accept him as he is - always remember about his merits, forgive his flaws.
    3. Have confidence in your partner - don't dismiss his ideas. If some of them scare you, just talk about them.
    4. A relationship is not a barter. The game "when I give you this, you give me that in return" does not work.
    5. Don't control your man's life, rather focus on your own.
    6. Instead of complaining that you are the initiator of all ideas, put the initiative in his hands sometimes.
    7. Do not manipulate sex, keep your relationship intimate.
    8. Don't make your well-being dependent on what your partner has done or not done.
    9. Although you can take care of yourself well, don't hesitate to ask for his help if you need it. However, do not require a star from the sky.
    10. Giving food is a symbol of showing affection. So don't get annoyed when he asks again “honey, what's for dinner?”

Relationship power struggle

There would be nothing wrong with that, if not for our belief that this is not how nature invented it. When you run stressed out to a board meeting and he calls and asks you what you'd like for dinner tonight, you feel something is wrong. After all, you dreamed of a partnership relationship. The one where he cooks, you do the dishes, you shop, he throws away the garbage, you earn, he takes care of the children. This is what it is. So why do you argue every other day and have not had sex for months?

According to psychologists, there is a struggle for power behind the quarrels over the division of responsibilities. And a civil war over insensitivity usually foreshadows more serious problems because it is not fulfilledexpectations. The well-known therapist Andrzej Wiśniewski claims that in emotionally he althy relationships, trash throws themselves away, the dog is always led out, and partners feel happy and safe without showing great love.

Trust in your partner - it is important in every relationship

You are in loneliness when you play the role of a militant at home. If you dream about living with a real man, let him be one, don't force him to change. - For years I have complained that my husband does not look after our son - says Joanna, 35 years old, assistant to the president.

- When I was away on business, I left the kitchen covered with cards with the pediatrician's phone number, times of feeding, walking, sleeping, as well as a refrigerator full of frozen soups, purees, etc. Until one time during my absence my son fell ill and our pediatrician just left .

My husband did great. He got the address of the clinic on duty, bought an antibiotic, and when I returned three days later, I found both of them in great spirits. It allowed me to trust my husband. Today I know that she can take care of a child as well as I do, only in a slightly different, masculine way. Since that trip, their relationship has been going through a renaissance.

Not only did they get along better when it comes to raising a child, they also gained their intimate life. - Nothing unusual. If your husband hears all day that he is a hopeless father, his stomach spills out of his pants, he cannot fix anything and in addition he earns too little - do not count that at night he will turn into a passionate lover - comments Joanna.

Where to go for help

The MABOR Therapy and Psychological Education Center has been organizing weekend and weekly workshops for women who have problems with building a real partnership for several years. Tel. (0-22) 842 25 71, http: //www.mabor.com.pl/

The sharing of powers in a partnership

For a wise wife, the good of the relationship is paramount. Since he has a strong self-esteem, he doesn't have to constantly prove it by competing with his partner. Even if she brings him a can of beer from the refrigerator, it does not mean that she is his servant (and he does not think so either.

For her, home is a place where, above all, she wants to feel safe and be able to rest. - I am the owner of the company - says Beata, 42. - At work I manage 15 people, mostly men. I know I have to be tough, resolute and not fall apart. On the other hand, when I cross the threshold of the house, I transform into a little girl and I am happy to hand over the power to my husband.We have a partnership, but I let him decide what we go to the movies for or where we go on vacation. This division of power in my private and professional life gives me a sense of balance. It would be hard to be the boss at work and at home.

How do they deal with relationship problems?

  • Anna, 36 years old: - I couldn't watch him eat. He packed so much in his mouth that he looked like a hamster. However, I decided to focus on its advantages. Now, as we sit together at the table, I admire his male hands and dream of a wonderful massage.
  • Iga, 28 years old: - How many times my boss criticized me for no reason, I went home and thought: "well, I won't have peace there either, because my beloved probably made a mess, he forgot to take the dog out, etc." Now, when I drive home, I make a list of my professional successes and think in my head what I should say to my boss the next day. At home, I tell my partner about everything. He listens to me patiently, makes tea and massages my feet. I feel better immediately.
  • Iwona, 32 years old: - Sex has always been a lot of fun for me. I like to experiment in the bedroom, but my partner is a traditionalist. When I offered him tricks, he took offense. Now instead of talking, I show him what I mean. And it keeps getting better. We learn something new together every night.
  • Kasia, 37 years old: - Our old couch in the living room was no longer usable. I knew that buying a new one would be on my mind again. I didn't feel like it, so I pretended not to see the furniture falling apart. Eventually my husband went to the store and bought a new couch. Of course she was hideous, but I decided to padlock my mouth. He was proud as a peacock, and the couch turned out to be so comfortable that in the evenings we both relax on it wonderfully. And that it does not match the color of the curtains? I don't care anymore.
  • Aldona, 30: - We used to argue almost every day. One day I came back from work exhausted. As always, the house was a mess and the refrigerator was empty. On the table I found a note: "I'm at Wojtek's (he's my husband's best friend), I'll be back late." I thought I was going to kill him. The next day I passed, and when he called, I laughed and told him about yesterday's rage. From now on, we argue less often, and if we do, we reconcile quickly. Sometimes it's worth waiting out your anger.
  • Dorota, 33 years old: - I never liked cooking and right at the beginning of our marriage we agreed that we would eat out. However, when I saw how delighted she was devouring my mother's Russian dumplings, I thought that I would also try to cook something tasty. For starters, I made scrambled eggs with tomatoes. My husband was in delight, andthe next day he brought me a beautiful rose. The proverb "the fastest way to reach a man's heart through the stomach" is one hundred percent accurate.

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Category:

Psychology