There are conflicts in every relationship. Even the way the bread is cut can cause a marital argument. There is nothing wrong with that if the argument clears the atmosphere and the problem is resolved.

Constructive quarrelis, according to psychologists, a sincere, open discussion of people who have a different opinion on a given topic, excluding shouting and violence. Sounds beautiful, but … how to argue politely when negative emotions take over?

Suppressed anger can explode with redoubled strength

We get angry for many reasons. At work, the boss has a grudge, the child got one, the husband did not throw away the garbage. Everyday life brings thousands of situations that evoke bad emotions. Anger is a tremendous energy. When suppressed, it can explode with double force at the most unexpected moment - usually inadequate to the situation. If it gets out of control, it is a great destructive force. But when it is captured at the right moment and properly targeted, it can have many benefits. Under the influence of anger, we clean the apartment, get on the bike, creative ideas come to our minds, we find solutions to life's problems. Anger doesn't have to be destructive in relationships as well, as long as we know how to deal with it.

You must do it

Anger can be a driving force, but its excess is not conducive to conflict resolution. You can control negative emotions more easily when you learn relaxation techniques.

  • In a moment of anger, all muscles automatically tense, the level of norepinephrine in the blood rises and you feel that you have to do something to deal with it (e.g. scream). Therefore, try to relax your muscles - then the brain will receive information that the danger is over.
  • When you feel that your anger and tension are starting to build up in you, stop, don't speak, silence the thoughts that fuel your anger. Then tell your partner you need a few moments of calm to cool down, and step back, preferably to another room.
  • A proven way to relieve emotions is diaphragm breathing - with each inhalation, the relaxed belly should rise significantly, and the chest may only slightly enlarge. Learn this technique and use it in times of high tension. Breathe slowly, counting each breath (treat inhale and exhale asone breath). When you have counted to four, start over. Soon you will feel calm overwhelm you.

Anger expressed in an argument is an important message for the other party

Anger is informative. It is a signal to our relatives or co-workers that something is wrong. This could be, for example, a message: "leave me alone now." If your partner gives these signs, it's better to wait until the emotions have subsided before trying to talk to him. His anger doesn't have to be a grudge against you. The reason may be the situation at work or simply fatigue.

However, sometimes manifesting anger means a crisis situation. The partner then informs: "there is a problem that we must finally solve". Imagine a situation like this: Ewa expects Piotr to help her with shopping, and he has urgent matters again. It happens once, twice, three times. Eventually, one day Ewa explodes: “You never have time for me. I have to carry the nets myself. What kind of marriage are you ?! Look at Andrzej - he always helps Martha! ”He exclaims. Ewa's anger is a signal for Piotr that it does not meet her expectations - it is a problem that must be faced. But the way the wife expressed her dissatisfaction is humiliating for Peter. So he bites off taking out old cases. They start to offend each other. The spiral of anger turns up. Eventually, they both feel hurt and the problem remains unresolved.

Suppressing negative emotions - a common cause of quarrels

The scenario may also be different. Ewa comes back, tired with shopping, but grits her teeth and says nothing. Her inner tension grows until after a few hours she finally finds an unexpected outlet in the form of a complaint against the child for not washing a glass after herself. Piotr does not even guess that he is the cause of the explosion. The third variant of this situation: Ewa becomes indifferent. She has asked her husband for help so many times, always unsuccessfully, so now she doesn't care. I do not want to argue. She knows she can't count on him, but it's okay, she'll be fine on her own. He withdraws and thus the spouses are imperceptibly drifting apart. Yet the problem could be solved. Showing anger to each other in difficult situations is not only important information for partners about the conflict, but also a sign that they are not indifferent to each other. Willingness to solve a problem means the need to be together all the time, in a positive, partner-like relationship. For the sake of a relationship, it is he althier to express negative emotions than to suppress them and pretend that nothing happened. It's just that a smart quarrel takes courage, effort, and skill. So how do you argue to express what you feel without being offended?at the same time another person?

Rules for a constructive argument

It is important that during an argument - when you tell yourself (and sometimes shout) what hurts you - start looking for a constructive solution to the dispute. However, it must satisfy both sides. To start negotiations, you need to get to know your partner's feelings, analyze his arguments and distance yourself from the situation. Then you can think together, what you are able to give up and what your partner is able to do, what you can change in yourself and your expectations, and what he can.

A smart argument can lead to a better understanding. But when parents argue, it is always a negative experience for a child - especially if the argument is accompanied by raising his voice. Children perceive this as a threat. They develop anxiety for the family, fear that their parents do not love each other anymore.

Set your priorities together and try to reconcile them. Then each of you will be satisfied. It is a mistake to give way to one side for the sake of peace. It really doesn't do anything. It is mainly frustrating and guarantees that sooner or later the argument will break out all over again. Also remember that sometimes, when a conflict is very high, it cannot be resolved with just one conversation. Then it is worth letting go and returning to the matter when you both cool down.

The child should not witness an argument

Therefore, avoid quarrels in front of little witnesses. And if that happens, talk to your child immediately. Explain that adults, even if they love each other very much, may disagree on a matter. The child should also see that the parents hug each other after the quarrel. He then understands that it is possible to show anger without hurting anyone. He also learns that after a storm there is peace in the house.

How to argue to achieve the desired effect? ​​

Learn to express negative emotions instead of pretending they're not there. Long-term suppression of anger destroys the nervous system and can lead to serious diseases such as neuroses and depression. Moreover, people who cannot cope with anger are more prone to a heart attack, more often suffer from arterial hypertension and peptic ulcer disease. Recent scientific research has shown that being constantly hostile and being prone to react with anger weakens your lungs and speeds up the aging process. Chronic anger affects hormonal and neurological processes, which weakens the body's immune system.

  • React immediately and adequately to the problem.Free yourself from anger on an ongoing basis, do not let it build up in you. An exceptionthere is a situation where you feel anger flooding over you. Then you are not able to think rationally and argue factually. An argument can easily get out of hand and won't solve anything. Better then go for a half-hour walk. Only when you cool down and think about everything, start the conversation.
  • Don't judge your partner's behavior, just talk about your feelings.Instead of shouting: "You never help me, you don't take me seriously, you are selfish!" sorry. Again, I had to carry around shopping by myself, I feel neglected. " Try to separate the person from the behavior. Don't criticize him for what he is, but for what he has done.
  • Keep strictly to the subject of the dispute.Do not take away all your friend's previous mistakes in the process. Don't go back to the distant past to prove your point. Do not move from a specific situation to general objection like: "Oh, because you always …". The focus must be on the resolution of the conflict.
  • Don't use negative comparisons to other people.Eg "Joanna's husband always has time for her."
  • Never use threats or intimidation during an argument.If you say in anger, "I have enough, I will go away," remember that he, even in anger, may reply: " Go ahead, go ahead. "
  • Avoid lying.Insincerity always kills good relationships between people.
  • Let the interlocutor express their arguments.A quarrel is not a monologue, but an attempt to understand the other person and find a compromise.
  • Be open to apologies and mutual forgiveness.After an argument, each of you may feel hurt. Tell yourself about it not to "cultivate" a sense of harm in yourself.
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Psychology