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We usually know little about deaf people, and even less about the often complicated lives of their children, who are mostly hearing and live in two worlds. Just like Elżbieta Dzik.

World statistics show that over 90% of deaf parents have hearing children. In these families, two different "cosmos" meet. The child learns the world and learns it with all his senses, and his parents do not have one important component of this image of reality, i.e. sound. They communicate in sign language, and the child becomes an important link with the world of people. A unique platform of communication is created that changes the relationship between parents and children, and brings with it unusual educational challenges, but the consequences are mainly for children. Minors are referred to as KODA, and adults - CODA (more in the box).

Hearing children of deaf parents grow up quickly

Deaf people are not a homogeneous group. The age at which the hearing loss occurred, the course of rehabilitation, the educational pathway, relations with the family and the immediate environment, the preferred method of communication and the level of knowledge of the Polish language in writing are important. - However, not all deaf children use sign language - says Elżbieta Dzik. - After all, some are brought up from the very beginning by hearing grandparents or other family members and have a rather loose contact with sign language. This is what happened in my case.

That she is a CODA, she realized in 2012, when she met people from the Hearing Children - Deaf Parents Association from CODA Polska and realized that her contact with the deaf had never been very close. - "Migało" only at a very basic level - says Elżbieta. - Enough to communicate with the parents, but not freely enough to build a subtle and wise bond with them. Elizabeth's mother was perfectly rehabilitated and perfectly read the speech from her mouth, which also did not encourage her daughter to learn the sign language better. As she says herself, she did not make any effort to understand her parents and their friends.

- And I don't think anyone expected that from me. Maybe because I have always been brave, resourceful and resourceful … To mediate between parents and the world of hearing, all I needed was a modest resource of signs, body language, and my predispositions. When I wanted to do something withmother or father, I did not make any effective efforts to explain my position to them, and I did not try to involve them in the decision-making processes. Usually I made my own decisions. I did not think then about the responsibility and consequences of my choices. I was not aware of the roles I play. The fact that I was an attorney, shield or guardian, translator or more of a partner for parents than a child, I do not know until today.

Child in another world

A child lives with the feeling that his everyday life is completely different than his peers. Children of deaf parents involuntarily become their link. They have no idea what professional translation is, they perform this obvious activity intuitively, helping their relatives and other deaf people to establish contact with society on a daily basis. Like other children of deaf parents, Elizabeth, when she was just a few years old, at home and outside of it, played many roles that her peers had no idea about - she was a translator, guide, even a buffer against discrimination. These age-inadequate challenges are associated with an enormous psychological burden. The child also lacks time to develop his own potential, because, for example, he takes care of younger siblings or deals with official matters on behalf of the parents. Elżbieta tells the story of 12-year-old KODA, who had to go to the hospital in an ambulance with his mother because she had just had a miscarriage. The doctor took him to the delivery room and asked for help because he could not communicate with her. The boy saw the bloodied, despairing mother. This trauma continues to this day, although it is already an adult.

You have to deal with linguistic and cultural differences

The difference in sign language used by children of deaf parents means that they spend their first years in a culturally different environment. After all, language is an important element of culture. So when he goes to school, adapting to a new place is much more difficult for him. In addition to adapting to school requirements, it has to adapt to the norms of another culture, and often face discrimination on the part of peers. Deaf parents usually do their best to fulfill their responsibilities. However, they may not perceive the needs of their hearing child. Elżbieta tried to read a lot, learned Polish from books, which is why her speech for a long time contained many archaisms. She also had to learn savoir-vivre by observing the surroundings. Maybe not everyone knows, but deaf people behave quite loudly, e.g. during meals, which may seem inelegant and rude to others.

Sometimes the child becomes ashamed of the parents

Sometimes someone says something bad about parents, makes fun of them, humiliates them. In our country, intolerance is - unfortunately - common. When there are too many of these attacks, it happens that when a minor KODA becomes an adult CODA, he cuts himself off from the world of the deaf. Elizabeth left her double world at the age of 19 and began her independent life in another city.

- After all, I was perfectly prepared and so independent, creative, brave … - he recalls. - It is just one thing to shine in front of the world of the deaf and the closest family, and another to take full responsibility for your life. The confrontation was difficult, it exposed my deficits and complexes, often unaware. I quickly became a wife and mother. I tried to give my children what I missed.

Today Elżbieta knows that her parents prepared her for life in the way they could and could, choosing for her what they thought was the best. Their criteria were simple and obvious. - It was me who complicated many matters with excessive analysis or over-interpretation - he admits. - Unfortunately, there was no one to verify it. For my parents, hearing and speaking was a guarantee that I would have a good, safe and rich life. They were proud of my awards, good grades, but they never showed up, for example, at an academy at school, because according to them it was completely unnecessary. I couldn't tell them how sorry I was about that. They knew I liked music, but I didn't get my first radio until my fifteenth birthday. The reason was the lack of money, and I thought that they didn't love me and they didn't care about my dreams.

Everything changes as the years go by

Years later, a reflection comes that the possibility of touching two worlds is priceless. The CODA's meeting triggered in Elżbieta completely unconscious emotions, repressed feelings. Looking at others and listening to them, she felt like friends who understand, who do not need to be explained, who do not judge. Friends who, with a similar baggage of experiences, allow you to relieve the blocked tension.

- I never thought that there were so many contradictory and extreme emotions inside me - he admits years later. - I served them myself because I did not want to, I did not know how to get to know and understand the world of my parents. I can only regret that I did not take full advantage of such unique opportunities and potential that life, my parents and their world have given me. Since I was a child, I had a chance for richer and more varied experiences and emotions. I was given a great foundation on which to build and develop my personality. I realized that I chose the "world of sounds" without appreciating the "world of silence". As a child and teenager, I didn't understand that they werecomplement each other and that each of them can offer a lot. The CODA association gives you the chance to share your experience with others. It allows young people to pay attention to the opportunities offered by their unique childhood. KODAs should not miss the chance and potential given by fate, and their view of being a child of deaf parents should start all over again. They will always have the right to choose which world is closer to them. The most important thing is to make an informed choice. - KODA should be brought up without complexes, with a strong self-esteem - emphasizes Elżbieta.

Important

CODA or KODA, that is who

Hearing adult children of deaf parents are marked with the term CODA (Children of Deaf Adulds), and when they are still underage - KODA (Kids / Kid of Deaf Adults). There are also terms:

  • OCODA (Only Child of Deaf Adults) meaning only child with deaf parents;
  • OHCODA (Only Hearing Child of Deaf Adults) referring to the only hearing person in the family - parents and deaf siblings;
  • SODA (Siblings of Deaf Adults), meaning hearing siblings of a deaf brother or sister;
  • GODA (Grandchild of Deaf Adults), i.e. grandchildren of deaf grandparents (Grandchild of Deaf Adults);
  • COHHA (Children / Child of Hard-of-Hearing Adults) - hearing children with hearing impaired parents.

More info: www.codapolska.org

monthly "Zdrowie"

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