You are not assertive? Do you feel like everyone is taking advantage of you at every turn? Do you give up your own needs and the realization of your dreams? Don't you dare to clearly and firmly express your desires and opinions? Then you will need a short lesson in assertiveness.

I'm not doing Christmas Eve this year. We are going with my father to Zakopane! my mother said two years ago. At first I was terrified. How is that? What about herring in cream, carp in jelly, presents unfolded under the Christmas tree during the break between borscht and poppy seed dumplings? However, after the first shock was over, I began to see the positive side of my mother's rebellion. Well, there will be no uncle Józek or forced smiles at the table … So I gave up the protests and went with them. Instead of being stuck in front of the TV and snarling at each other, we were walking around Gubałówka, eating grilled oscypek and drinking mulled wine. And everyone was happy.

Be assertive: make it clear what you want

Many women dream of spending Christmas differently. We would like this time to be associated not only with fatigue and stress. That the holidays were an authentic experience of closeness, a moment of tranquility. But for most of us, Christmas is primarily a duty. Can it be changed without risking family quarrels? - You can, says Anna Śliwińska, a psychotherapist from the Psychotherapy and Psychoeducation Laboratory in Warsaw. - However, you need to prepare the ground in advance. Let's not announce our assertive resolutions on December 23, because the family will treat it as a bad joke. It is best to start discussions on this topic much earlier. It must be honestly said what it feels like - that we would like to try some other variant of the holiday, for example going to the mountains or visiting family. You can also demand that our relatives get more involved in the preparation, or warn that this year there will be no dumplings, unless someone helps to stick them. Each change takes time. We may not break the resistance now, but if we consistently demand it, we will probably succeed next year. Make sure the whole family debates how to spend Christmas well. It is also important to keep your word and persevere in your resolution. If I announce that dumplings do notit will be, then I shouldn't start making them right before Christmas Eve. The family always strives to maintain the status quo. If mom has sacrificed herself so far, it is more convenient for everyone to stay that way. Therefore, any attempt to change will meet with resistance. But if you show consistency andfirmness , eventually your relatives will have to accept these changes.

Important

Assertiveness

This word came to us from English in the 1960s. It means having and expressing your own opinion, emotions and attitudes within the limits that do not violate the rights and territory of other people and your own. Assertiveness is:

  • ability to express opinions, criticism, needs
  • the ability to say no in a way that does not obey and does not hurt others
  • ability to receive criticism, judgment and praise
  • self awareness
  • sensitivity to others.

Assertiveness is not only the ability to say no

Most of usassertivenessis associated with refusal. This is quite a simplification. - Refusing is only a part of assertive behavior - explains Anna Śliwińska. - In fact, it is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings and views within your own psychological limits and respecting other people's limits. Being able to say 'yes' is as important as being able to say 'no'. We are assertive when we are able to receive praise and criticism. Also when we know how to ask for help. We usually present one of the two extreme attitudes: being submissive or aggressive towards others. Assertiveness is somewhere in between, between submission and aggression. It is the ability to negotiate, communicate with people while maintaining your own individuality and without imposing your opinion on others. Contrary to appearances, it is not easy. For many of us, the problem is, for example, receiving praise. But it's that simple! When someone praises you for something (eg for good command of English) and you agree with it, just say, "Thank you, I really do well with English" and not "Ah … it just happened … by accident". Take the same criticism. If you are late for work and your supervisor draws your attention to it, you say shortly, "Yes, I'm late, sorry." However, if the criticism is not quite right, try to be factual, without aggression, to explain the situation by saying, for example, "Indeed, this month I missed twice, but it is not true that I still do." Learn to say no. This one short word can change a lot. It can restore your dignity and self-esteem - as long as you know when to use it. Traditionally brought up in the habit of submissiveness, women haveusually a bigger problem than men withrefusal . We believe that it is not appropriate for us. We are afraid that someone will stop liking us.

Assertiveness is a balance between defending your own boundaries and selfishness

- It is almost certain that we will meet resistance. But if we really don't want to do something, we have a choice - or say "no" to someone and "yes" to someone - then we will lose respect for each other. Or we refuse, risking offense, but maintain a sense of inner harmony with ourselves. If we do not hurt anyone with our refusal, it is better to expose ourselves to the dissatisfaction of the other person than to agree to something against ourselves - says Anna Śliwińska. Assertiveness is a subtle balance between defending your own boundaries and selfishness. It is important not to lose sight of this difference. If your intention is not to hurt someone, you have the right to decline. Certainly, nothing bad will happen to anyone when you rush the family to Christmas cleaning, even if the children feel hurt at first. If you refuse to help a sick person - it will no longer be assertiveness, but cruelty.

Problem

A simple recipe for refusal

Assertiveness is not given in advance, but it can be trained. It is easier when we know what we really want and what our life goals are. Here are some simple tips on how to say "no" correctly:

  • Be assertive with yourself first - be honest about what you want and don't want to do. Separate what is really yours from what comes from your upbringing (e.g. your mother's voice telling you that it is not right to say no).
  • At the beginning, say firmly "no" in a tone that makes it sound "no" (and not, for example, in a pleading tone).
  • Avoid the form "can't". This is a trap that can be easily used by your interlocutor. Besides, assertiveness requires honesty with yourself, so if you don't want something, you have to admit it, not pretend that there are objective reasons for your refusal.
  • When refusing someone, repeat clearly what you will not do (eg: "No, I will not lend you …").
  • Briefly justify your refusal, but don't enter into discussions.
  • Make your message concise and coherent, e.g. "No, I will not lend you a car because I'm not in the habit of doing that."

Remember that you have the right to say no, to make mistakes and to lead your own life. If you only give yourself this right - no one will take it from you.

Assertiveness gives a sense of power

Mastering the art of assertiveness does not mean that henceforth life will be all roses. Your loved ones may defend themselves against changes or not accept them at all. Still, it's worth trainingassertiveness. Why? - Because then we have a chance to express ourselves more authentically. We live in greater harmony with each other - argues Anna Śliwińska. - Assertiveness gives a sense of power. And it's not about convincing someone, but about developing the ability to communicate with people without falling into conflicts. Assertiveness means greater responsibility and life maturity. But also a greater chance of staying he althy. People who are constantly living in internal conflict become increasingly frustrated. By accepting what we do not want, we are more prone to ulcers, neurosis, depression and addictions. The energy of dissatisfaction has a destructive effect on our body. Therefore, we should always try to be open about what we think, what we feel; what we want and don't agree with and don't agree with - without hurting anyone, offending or deprecating.

monthly "Zdrowie"

Category:

Psychology