People with borderline personality disorder - scared like little children lost in the center of a big city - change face like a chameleon once again. They play, they pose, just to never reveal which face is the right one. They are sore creatures, locked in a jar of extreme emotions marked with the label "borderline". Living between the two edges of thoughts, entangled in "all or nothing", dominated by "white or black". How to understand them? How to live in such a difficult relationship and not lose yourself? Should it last at all? This problem is discussed in the book “Borderline. How to live with a person with extreme emotions "by P. T. Mason and R. Kreger.

People with borderline experience the same emotions as all of us. The difference, however, is that they experience things much more strongly, react more extremely, and have difficulty controlling their emotions and behavior. Borderline does not refer to qualitatively different behavior, but to its extreme form. At the same time, it is difficult to recognize them because it coexists with other mental disorders. Hence, so little is said about it. However, it is worth getting acquainted with the subject of borderline and getting to know the specificity of the inner world of a person suffering from this disorder.

The presence of a personality disorder of the typeborderlineis evidenced by at least five of the following criteria:

1.Feverish attempts to avoid leaving(real or imaginary).

2.Splitting- a pattern of unstable, emotionally marked interpersonal relationships, which is characterized by moving from the extreme to the extreme:

- searching in other people for what you cannot give yourself - confirmation of your own value, lost identity, acceptance. The needs of a person with borderline are still changing, even impossible to meet,

- a paradoxical manifestation of a desperate need for closeness while taking actions that alienate people,

- inability to integrate bad and good qualities and the related assessment of a person based on the last contact only, not the entire relationship

- the inability to experience two contradictory states at the same time - the existence of only the categories "black or white" (no gray), "all ornothing "(seeing only one solution).

3.Identity disorders- lack of a stable self-image, a sense of inner emptiness:

- confusion: a person with borderline does not know who they are, what are their preferences,

- adjusting to the environment - playing, posing, constantly pretending to be someone else, - playing the role of a victim (in return he gets compassion) or a guardian (the sense of control increases), - excessive criticism towards oneself and others.

4.Impulsive behavior- uncontrolled spending, risky sexual behavior, substance abuse, theft, careless driving, binge eating.

5.Repetitive suicidal behavior- gestures, threats or self-harm to relieve emotional pain, gain attention or help from others.

6. Emotional instability caused by noticeable mood reactivity (e.g. irritability, anxiety).

7.A persistent feeling of emptiness.

8.Strong anger disproportionate to the situation and difficulties with controlling it(e.g. frequent outbursts, constant feeling of anger, frequent involvement in fights) - anger is violent, very strong, unpredictable, resistant to any arguments .

9.Transient stress-related paranoid thoughts or exacerbated dissociative symptoms- a sense of unreal, numbness, indifference, sometimes also forgetfulness of some events.

Borderline personality disorder - is a fixed pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions (moods), accompanied by impulsivity in various situations since early adulthood.

Additionally, people affected by borderline are characterized by:

• Toxic shame - related to the feeling of own imperfection.

• Lack of defined own boundaries and no respect for others.

• The need to control others - gives the appearance of an organized life.

• Lack of a sense of object stability - the physical absence of a loved one means their lack on an emotional level, hence an excessive need for contact.

• Interpersonal sensitivity - exceptional empathy, the gift of sensing other people's states, thoughts or weaknesses.

• Situational fitness - the ability to deal with difficult situations while not being able to cope with comparable or easier tasks.

• Narcissistic demands - striving to focus on yourself.

How to live with a person with borderline?

Many adults with borderline see the world through the eyes of a child. Butat the same time, they are capable of behaving more seriously than adults. In the borderline world, it is feelings that "create" the facts. People with the disorder often unknowingly misrepresent reality to justify their own feelings. This may become the reason for perceiving the same events differently. Activities of people with borderline borderline should not be taken personally. The argument is not necessarily caused by the actual event, but by how someone affected by the disorder will interpret it. You could easily have induced borderline behavior, but that doesn't mean you caused it. The inner world of a person suffering from borderline borderline is best illustrated by the pattern of playing tag. She has a constant feeling that others are running away from her. In effect, therefore, it seeks to make someone else a tag. This, in turn, explains the projection mechanism: the borderline person denies his or her own unacceptable traits, feelings or behaviors and attributes them to someone else, which serves to redirect attention to the other person. "Is there any problem. But not my fault. So that has to be your problem. ”This is the reasoning behind a person struggling with borderline. And another: "Stay away a little closer," suggesting a tear between the need to be connected with another human being and the desire to remain independent. Full of contradictions and irrationalities that you don't need to understand! Sometimes you can feel controlled and used. However, the person with borderline does not aim to harm others. She fights the pain, wants to meet her own needs, and does it according to the only pattern she knows. It's an act of desperation, not manipulation.

To understand the behavior of a borderline patient, leave your own world and travel to the world of the person affected by the disorder

How to live with someone with extreme emotionsYou can't catch the flu like borderline, but you can become an integral part of its dynamics. This will happen if we do not set clear boundaries and we will take the behavior of a person with borderline border personally. Then we will shift the responsibility for her feelings and actions onto our own shoulders, and the unhe althy reactions of the borderline person will thus be strengthened. Here are the effects: we lose our self-esteem over time, we become co-addicted, we take over the way of thinking and feeling of our loved one with the disorder. Feelings of helplessness, guilt and shame emerge, as well as withdrawal, isolation, unhe althy habits, and excessive vigilance. STOP! Don't let that happen.

First of all, it is worth learning how to communicate with the person affected by borderline. Here are some tips:

• avoid conflicts,

• be a good, composed listener,

• underdo not, under any circumstances, ignore your interlocutor,

• ask lots of questions,

• pay attention to the interlocutor's words, language, tone of voice, facial expressions,

• speak only on your own behalf, honestly, slowly, clearly and confidently,

• simplify the message and do not try to interpret the interlocutor's statements,

• do not defend yourself and do not make excessive excuses,

• Be specific about your limits, be consistent and prudent,

• react to the behavior of a person with borderline like a mirror (reflect his feelings back to the owner), not a sponge (absorbing pain and rage).

Borderline treatment

Of course, people with borderline are different. There is a type of worse and better functioning people, and a type that is a mixture of both. However, everyone needs specialist help. The diagnosis can only be made by a specialist experienced in the detection and treatment of borderline. Importantly, borderline can actually be treated - with therapy and pharmacotherapy … and cured! So let's keep hope. Borderline is a holistic disorder, it affects what the affected person feels, thinks and behaves. Your loved one with BPD did not want to have the disorder. Just as you did not want anyone close to you to experience it. Has become. And if you both consciously choose to stay in this relationship, you are both responsible for it as well. Accept the fact that you will not force the person with the disorder to seek treatment. She herself must be ready for this step. You have no right or power to change it, but you can work on yourself and change your relationship at the same time.

Where to go for help

You can read more about borderline personality disorder in the book"Borderline. How to live with a person with extreme emotions"Paula T. Mason and Randi Kreger (Gdańskie Wydawnictwo Psychologiczne, Sopot 2014).

This reading is especially useful for those whose relatives suffer from this disorder. The authors describe many true stories of people who have lived with people with borderline borderline disorder. They provide a lot of advice and tips that can be put into practice immediately. Thanks to the reading, you will learn what borderline is, why people affected by it act in a certain way, what influence we have on the dynamics of the disorder, and how we can regain ourselves and take control of our own life. Additionally, you will understand how to help the children of parents with borderline and how to deal with children and adolescents suffering from this disorder. The authors of the book give a lot of support and assure: “You are not losing your mind. You owe nothing. You are not alone."You too can build a he althy, loving and respectful relationship with someone who experiences extreme emotions!

Category:

Psychology