Our quality of life depends on how we relate to other people. It's good to have friends and acquaintances, live in harmony with your boss, colleagues at work … But how to achieve it?
Some of us find it worse to establish and maintain contacts with others. And we are used to recognizing that this is a trait that is permanently assigned to us. However, if we want to get rid of resistance and fears, we must first understand the causes of our failures. Think about it: How do you know when you find it difficult to connect with others? The answer seems obvious: “I know this because I know myself. This is how I was brought up, that's my character ”. However, if you analyze this situation, the answer will be: “I know because I have such experiences. Once upon a time, my attempts to make friends received a different response than I expected. And the memory of this event has an impact on my further fate. "
Mocked victim
In childhood, if we wanted to be friends with a group, but were ignored or ridiculed, and it was a strong experience for us, we coded that when we tried to make contact, others reject us. So let's analyze the moment when we were rejected and the feelings that accompanied it: when we approached our colleagues, we had good intentions, we hoped that the new acquaintance would be nice. Meanwhile, we faced a painful disappointment. After such an experience, we become sensitive to similar situations.
Every event that is accompanied by emotions is coded in the mind. The stronger the emotions, the more meaning we place on the event. This is how the belief about the problems we have in dealing with others is formed. After that, only conditioning remains in us. What does it mean? Identical or similar cases are repeated, and each one confirms our belief. It is enough, for example, for someone to say in passing "Some people are not liked" and we take it personally. And we have another proof: "He must have said it with me in mind." Later, when we pass by a group of colleagues and hear their laughter, we think that they are laughing at us. But if we ever try to win someone's sympathy and that person does not react positively, we will be even more convinced that there is something wrong with us. This is wrongthinking, because personalities and temperaments are different, and not everyone can be friends. So how do you know if you have difficulty connecting with others? The answer: "Because I have such experiences" is not true. It's not experience, just your interpretation and years of conditioning.
Worth knowingLook around and find all the things that are red. Take about a minute to do this. What did you notice? If we focus on something, we start to notice what we have not noticed before. This is how our mind works.
Traces in the brain
Thinking is the process of constantly asking and answering questions. Most of this is done on an unconscious level. The brain acts as a hard drive that stores all the information and events that we have de alt with in our entire life. Therefore, when we consciously or unconsciously ask questions, the mind searches its information resources like a computer for answers. What he finds can be really surprising.
When we experience unpleasant events, we usually ask ourselves, “Why has this happened to me? What did I deserve this? Why am I having problems again? ” Then our brain goes to work. If at any time, at any stage in our lives, especially in childhood, someone has used a harmful generalization towards us, the chances are that the brain will remember it. Then we will be ready to answer the following: "It happens to me because I'm a failure, because I deserved it."
Think different
You are going to meet people you don't know, e.g. in your new job. You are full of apprehension. This is not surprising, but change the content of the questions you ask yourself. Instead of: "Will I also do a bad job this time and not be accepted?", Ask:
- How interesting will the people I meet there be?
- What will I learn from them?
- How easy and quick can I establish good relations with them?
- What will make us like each other?
- What can I do to make others enjoyable?
- Which one of my personality traits will they like?
New questions stimulate thinking and change its direction and the goal on which you focus. Instead of whether or not you succeed, you will focus on finding interesting people, on a nice meeting, on establishing good relationships.
These questions assume that you will make good contacts easily and quickly, that they will definitely like you ( although you don't know how it will happen yet), that they will undoubtedly like one of your features (you just don't know which). You can also askquestions that stimulate creative thinking, e.g. :
- What can I do to make the meeting run in a pleasant atmosphere and professional?
- What abilities should I use to achieve my goal and derive satisfaction from it?
You will wonder what to do to achieve the goal, not whether you will succeed. The question "Can I make it?" it is destructive because it assumes that it may fail. These sample questions put you in the role of an active person in charge of the process and highlight what you can do. So you are in control of the situation, so there is no room for doubt.
Start now
Believe that you can really change your way of thinking and influence your own life. Start practicing right away. When you wake up in the morning, ask yourself three questions:
- What can I be proud of?
- What can I be grateful for?
- What is great about me today?
Ask yourself these questions for 21 consecutive days and observe what is happening around you. The effects of this simple training will pleasantly surprise you. The quality of our life is determined by what we focus our attention on. When we go to work in the morning, we can concentrate on the rain and crowds on the bus. But we can also be grateful that we have a job and walk on two he althy legs of our own (unlike many who cannot say that about themselves!). When meeting other people, we can focus on our nervousness and think about going home as soon as possible. However, we can focus on what we learn from others or on a unique atmosphere.
There is no objectively existing reality, no good or bad facts. From our point of view, only the way we interpret what happens to us is important. What we can always do is change attitudes and mindsets.
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