I am writing about sex in my current relationship. I have quite a turbulent relationship history, I even had a 3-month therapy for an eating disorder and at home with an alcohol problem. Due to all this and a few failed relationships, including a 4-year-old one, I found myself addicted to strong emotions and partner instability. After a relationship with a very toxic partner, which ended more than a year ago, I got into an "overlap" person with an incredibly stable, kind, respectful and caring person. This man is also considered handsome. One could say - idyll. Unfortunately, sex in our relationship was quite a disappointment for me. The partner - not only not entirely my physical type - does not have big needs, he also has completely different preferences, he likes peace, respect and warmth in bed. Unfortunately, I am conditioned to completely different stimuli. Even though we talk about it very honestly, I feel right from the start that the problem is unresolved. We rarely have sex, during every intercourse I have to fantasize (including my ex-"unstable" partner) to reach orgasm … I am extremely concerned about this condition and it puts the future of the relationship in question in my eyes. Sex is extremely important to me, I have a great temperament and I cannot imagine that I will spend the rest of my life like this. The partner, however, claims that he cannot bring himself to violent "brutal" bed habits in his vocabulary. I am devastated because I think that I have a deep affection for my partner, but our bed problems translate into my concerns about the further life together. We live together, we wind the "nest", meanwhile I am afraid that I will cheat on my partner one day … It is also not without significance that my former "pathological" love is also tangled in the background, which likes to remember about itself every now and then via communicators and telephone … Sex with an ex-boyfriend was - one could say - a dream come true for me. There was a meeting, everything was revived in me, and although I did not betray me and I know that that relationship no longer exists and that there is no point in rehashing it, I am afraid of what will happen next. Is there a chance that I will still feel sexual attraction to my current partner? Can people arrive in bed for a long time?
Thank you for the post - you made a very important onea problem that affects many couples. The differences in temperament between partners in "ordinary" life situations are not such a serious problem as differences in "sexual temperament". What you write bodes badly for the prospects of your relationship, because it can make you constantly dissatisfied, unsatisfied, and this - sooner or later - will result in a discharge either in a relationship crisis or in betrayal. Of course it is so that people can "reach" after some time, motherhood can change a lot. I am convinced that it is worth going to a sexologist together to help your partner realize that there is much more to bed than in everyday life, that there is no savoir vivre in bed, but the principle of respecting the needs and possibilities of the other party must apply. This, of course, applies to both of you. Perhaps it's also worth getting your partner's testosterone levels tested, but sex education shouldn't be underestimated.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Bohdan BielskiPsychologist, specialist with 30 years of experience, trainer of psychosocial skills, expert psychologist of the District Court in Warsaw.
Main areas of activity:mediation services, family counseling, care for a person in a crisis situation, manager training.
First of all, it focuses on building good relationships based on understanding and respect. He undertook numerous crisis interventions and took care of people in a deep crisis.
He lectured in forensic psychology at the Faculty of Psychology of SWPS in Warsaw, at the University of Warsaw and the University of Zielona Góra.
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