How to live after treason? Monika Jędrzejewska, family mediator and therapist will answer the questions.

Is betrayal predictable? How does the person planning to "jump to the side" behave?

Most often it starts with criticism - e.g. the wife accuses her husband of not taking care of the family, and the husband accuses his wife of excessive expenses or poor cuisine. If they don't do anything about it, the conflict will worsen and the symptoms will become more acute: frequent arguments, accusations, quiet days, punishments for lack of sex. If each of the partners is convinced that they are right and cannot (does not try or want to) go beyond them, the emotional distance grows. Then it is often easier to find what we need outside the relationship. A partner who is experiencing a "side jump" is often either overly nice (not to arouse suspicions), or on the contrary - he clings to just any little thing (to justify to himself that "it is impossible to live with him / her" and that the partner deserved a betrayal himself). There are also cases when one of the parties feels much weaker in the relationship and would like to feel a clear advantage over the partner, so he decides to cheat in order to confirm his own value, attractiveness, etc. empowered, she may begin to demand a different place for herself in the relationship. What your partner will do with it is another matter.

Treason is a painful experience. How does he change partners?

Betrayal always causes a crisis of trust. This is a clear breach of the rules people agreed on at the beginning. This applies to both a formal marriage relationship, when fidelity is given in a formula given before an official or a priest, and an informal relationship, when fidelity is, in a certain sense, a condition of being together. Of course, this does not apply to the so-called open relationships, but in their case there can be no question of cheating.

Sometimes the person who has cheated comes to the conclusion that this is not what they meant - and feels bad knowing they are cheating on their partner. What should she do?

Rebuilding a relationship with a hidden secret is risky - because a betrayal can be revealed at a completely unexpected moment. Besides, the cheater will bear the burden of it. If he does not reveal the betrayal, it will not bring anything new to the relationship. The initial distance may decrease, but there is no point in dreaming of full closeness if he is hiding something at the same time. The relationship only has a chance of successwhen both care about him equally, when they decide to rebuild their relationship on new principles, in reference to their common beginnings. Revealing the betrayal is a fight to introduce into a relationship the truth, unfortunately difficult and painful, and to bear the consequences of one's own actions. A betrayed partner rarely has the generosity to overcome the betrayal. Sometimes, however, the cheating person realizes that he has nothing to do with his partner and that their relationship has been dead for a long time - then revealing the betrayal is the reason for the separation or the beginning of the divorce process. From the point of view of divorce strategy, he may not confess to treason, especially if he is sure that his partner will not find evidence of it. However, this can be different. Detective agencies specialize in tracking partners suspected of treason - and exposing infidelity in a courtroom can be much more disadvantageous than confronting the cheated person's difficult emotions earlier.

Can a relationship marked by treason really be saved?

Every relationship can be saved - but only on condition that both people sincerely want it. Often times, the crisis does not come from the death of feelings, but from the inability to communicate, habitual reactions and duplicating patterns learned from the family home. For a relationship to be alive, full of feelings and mutual trust, it is necessary not only to pay attention to the partner, but also, what is sometimes the most difficult, to recognize his otherness and accept it. Attempts to match a partner to their image prevent people from real, deep contact, cause their conflicts, and make it difficult for them to communicate well. There are different ways to deal with this. Family therapy, development workshops for couples (e.g. improvisation-contact), tantra or Christian meetings led by Dominicans. Mediation can also be a good way to find an agreement in a relationship.

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Psychology