Jealousy in a relationship is a natural phenomenon. There is no couple who have not experienced it. It has been studied that jealousy appears more often in relationships than desire. It is an emotion that means a relationship is important to you, it expresses your fear of losing a loved one. You don't have to be ashamed of being jealous. But before your emotions take over and you stop thinking rationally, analyze the facts as well as your thoughts and feelings.

Where does jealousy of your partner come from?

Husband started coming home from work at strange times and is still tired and even has lost the urge to have sex. And he says that the joint leave will have to be canceled, because he has a headache at work right now. Indeed, he is distracted, tense, and takes business calls even at home. But are these really business phones? Maybe he's having an affair? You are ashamed of your suspicions, afraid to ask directly. Don't know what to do … Pretend you can't see? Or is it better to be sure? Check his phone, check his e-mails? You detest such methods - but in the end, the worst certainty is probably better than such uncertainty … Stop! Spying is the worst solution. You yourself would not want anyone invading your privacy by viewing SMS or e-mails - so do not do this to your loved one, even if you think they have broken your trust. You are not sure about that at all. You tell yourself that you just want to check if everything is okay - but the truth is, your anxiety tells you to look for evidence of treason and even the most innocent e-mail may seem suspicious to you. You may find clear evidence that your partner is having an affair, but it could also be that you see evidence of guilt where there is none at all.

Do I have reasons to be jealous?

Betrayal does not occur overnight, but is the result of a long process of drifting away. Ask yourself: how is it with us? Are we happy together or disappointed in each other? Do our quarrels lead to a positive conflict resolution or to quiet days? Are we talking to each other or are we just sending draft messages? Do we solve problems together, or do we "sweep them under the rug"? And you: do you feel well with your partner? Would you like to grow old with him? Is your relationship developing or do you feel like nothing is going to happen again? The sum of the answers to these questions will give you an idea of ​​the quality of your relationship and help you feelinto your partner's emotions. Every relationship goes through crises and changes; perhaps your partner's behavior and your anxiety is an external symptom of this crisis. If there has been no closeness between you and trying to understand each other for a long time - maybe your partner really started to "talk" to someone else because he is missing something - and it does not necessarily have to be about sex.

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Crisis situations

In a mature relationship, jealousy often appears in situations of life change that disturbs the current balance, e.g. when a couple experiences a long separation, when one loses their job or retires, or - on the contrary - gets promoted, changes their job to a more absorbing one , engages in social activities or takes up professional activity after raising children. When one is more involved than usual in non-home affairs, the other party may get the impression that he is being neglected.

The more active party develops, changes something in its life, and the other party "stays behind". Then there is jealousy for the co-workers of the "other half" and a suspicion that involvement in work may have a female-male context. A typical crisis-provoking situation is the departure of adult children from the home, revealing the fact that the spouses have been living "next to each other" for years. And finally - the disease of one spouse who feels dependent on the other, loses his self-esteem and fears for his position in the relationship.

"Inheritance" of jealousy

Your anxiety may also be rooted in past traumas that picked up right now. Maybe you have experienced your partner's betrayal in a previous relationship or you have seen similar situations in your family home. Maybe in your childhood you were jealous of your parents' love for your sister or brother? Maybe you feel that you are getting old and you hear the words your mother kept repeating: "be careful, because when she starts to experience her second youth, she will leave you for the younger one."

Think: Does your partner really give you reasons to be jealous, or is it just your fear that has big eyes? Remember the scene from "Nights and Days" when Barbara makes an absurd row to her husband about decorating her sister's carriage with flowers: "I can't stand someone abandoning me again for someone else!"

How to talk about jealousy?

Whatever it is - you won't find peace until you clear it up. And for that, you need an honest conversation. How to do it?

Create a favorable environment: do not start a conversation between the morning coffee and going to work. Tell your partner that you want to talk about something important and expect them to give you their time and full attention. Talk when the children cannot hear you. Thesethe treatments will be a clear signal for the partner that the matter is serious.

  • Say what you feel. Start with something like this: “You know, I'm tired of jealousy and I want you to help me deal with it. I feel anxious because recently I noticed… ”Tell him straight out that the changes in his behavior have prompted you to think of betrayal. It's worth getting confirmation that your partner sees these changes, too, and asking if they're good for them. Do not make accusations, focus on communicating how this situation evokes in you: fear, uncertainty, sadness … Emphasize that it is not just about how much time he spends with you, but about closeness and about himself. The point is that the conversation should not turn into an auction of mutual grievances: “you know why I am leaving the house? because you keep lecturing me because I don't feel appreciated "or" because you don't notice me, I'm not attractive to you anymore. "
  • Ask directly if he has met someone interesting, is he dating this person, is there anything you should know about. “I'd be happy if it just turned out to be what I think, but if I'm right, don't lie to me. I'd rather hear it from you than from strangers. " Emphasize why this is important to you - e.g. because you care about your relationship, or you don't know how to live in uncertainty, or you don't want to continue the relationship as it is. It is important that the reason you give is true. You will give him a chance to stand up honestly. If he really only has "breaking his head at work" - you will be relieved and you will know that he needs to be supported (and this can make your relationship stronger). But if something is wrong, you'll find out how serious it is. Remember that men tend to downplay their "side jumps" - when caught cheating, they often explain: it's just sex, I really only love you.
  • Say that you would like to get back to the conversation, because it's about your relationship. "Now that something has changed, let's try to consider if and how we can get back to a good partnership." Maybe you will get along, maybe not, but you will be able to try the decision: save the relationship or break up.
Problem

What to do when he (she) wrongly suspects you of cheating?

Answer the question honestly. However, don't be content with simply denial and downplay of the topic. If your partner suspects that you may be involved in another relationship, it is a signal that there is something wrong in your relationship. Think about your participation, think about how you feel in the relationship, what has changed in your approach and behavior. Jealousy is a signal to work on the relationship, but also a sign of your partner's unwavering feelings.

A crisis in a relationship can be an opportunity

Situation,in which a long-term relationship is at stake is difficult for both sides. You both need to realize what is more important to you: the years you have lived together, the intimacy that binds you, the good of your children - or the possibility of breaking up and starting a new stage in your life. The decision will depend on how much each of you is involved in the relationship, how much the relationship meets your needs. Maybe you will be able to - in the course of subsequent conversations - find out the reasons that made your partner look for side paths and fix what broke. A crisis is often an opportunity to renew and strengthen a weakened bond, as long as both partners want to work on it. If you intend to do so, but have a hard time talking, consider having a therapist.

Category:

Psychology