Fears of pregnant women regarding the loss of freedom, childbirth, child he alth and upbringing are a completely natural phenomenon. Sometimes, however, fears can become a problem. Agnieszka Roszkowska talks about the most common fears of future mothers with developmental psychologist and psychotherapist Małgorzata Ohme.
When a woman finds out that she is pregnant, there is usually a fear of lost freedom at first, the awareness of being "tied for life" and that nothing will ever be the same again. Are these thoughts normal?
Absolutely. I will say more, it is good that these thoughts appear. Suchfearis a proof of maturity, because a woman begins to think about what will change, she begins to plan her life, taking the changes into account. He imagines a new location and looks for a solution. This is such a moment of mature thinking. On the other hand, the situation when no anxiety thoughts arise (except for cases when it is, for example, anotherchild ), may be disturbing, because it may indicate that the woman is not able to visualize the consequences of this great change and the subsequent collision with reality may be a big surprise for her.
What can help a pregnant woman to get used to the fact that I will be a mother, to accept this new situation?
Contact with other mothers of young children for sure. Then the expectant mother sees what it really is like, and not just based on imaginations. He sees that the world changes with the arrival of the baby, but this is not the breakdown of the whole world, because these mothers are coping in some way. Women who have high levels of anxiety are likely to have little access to reality or see only negative patterns. Therefore, they should seek contact with other mothers. Young mother's clubs operate, for example, at women's foundations and associations. Internet forums are also popular, where women inpregnantor already mothers exchange knowledge, opinions and, above all, support each other. Or you can just sit in the playground and talk to one of the moms. They are usually very happy to talk.
Do you see a role for your partner in this taming of anxiety during pregnancy?
Absolutely. Research and experience clearly show how important a man's posture is. If the partner from the beginning,already at the prenatal stage, she thinks about the baby about to be born, imagines it, gets used to the thought of her fatherhood, goes to childbirth school, to the doctor - this is an extremely important support for a woman, because she feels that she is not alone. A woman who does not have this support is de facto alone and has much more fear.
What can he do? Can it be possible to persuade your partner to get more involved?
A man naturally does not have such a biological instinct as a woman. Sometimes, under favorable circumstances - with an appropriate model of upbringing, when he has such qualities as sensitivity, empathy - a man wants to get involved in experiencing the pregnancy himself. But I think most men need to be encouraged or even forced to do so. You need to stimulate their awareness and involve them in as much activity as possible related to the preparation for childbirth and the arrival of a baby. However, you cannot force your partner to participate in childbirth - this is a very individual, intimate matter - but encourage talks about the baby, joint visits to the doctor, and participation in childbirth classes. Then the future dad naturally gets used to the role he will have to play, identifies with the role of the father. Recent studies show how important the image of the baby is at the stage of pregnancy - for both mother and father. It is good if this image, such as your own image of the child, existed as early as possible - then it is easier to assume the role of a parent. But on the other hand, he should not be too stiff, because then it turns out that our child does not fit him. Must be flexible.
It is also natural to worry about how relationships in a relationship will change. What must partners pay attention to so that the birth of a child does not distance them from each other? What is the most important here?
The most important thing is that they are open to change; aware that many things will not be the same anymore. This fact cannot be ignored, you cannot deceive yourself. This is a very difficult, crisis moment, because the dyad, which is the father and mother, is transformed into a triad, a triangle. And each family member must change in this new system, must expand their competences with new roles, must expand their attention to another person. This is a difficult time for a couple and if they are both afraid of it, it means that they are thinking about it and are preparing for it. And this is very important, the same is therapeutic. It's important to talk about it. Prepare for the fact that the woman will be tired, emotionally unstable, that she will not be a very sexual being in the beginning, that their life will be more difficult. If they both know it, they are already planning what to do, rethinking different scenarios of this situation in their heads, and that is very good.The father will look for his place in this very strong system that is created by mother and child. His participation should be especially based on his mother's support.
The closer to delivery, the greater the fear of the birth itself. I don't think it's possible to get rid of it completely. However, in some pregnant women it turns into panic, even a phobia. How to recognize it?
Fear of childbirth is natural. The problem becomes serious when the associated images and thoughts contain many drastic scenarios and fill most of the day. When there are a lot of these thoughts, they appear on their own, there is no control over them, and they are catastrophic visions, e.g. that a child is born dead or the pain is so excruciating that I cannot bear it and die.
Is it possible to deal with so much anxiety without the help of a specialist?
I think so. Again, support groups, not necessarily formal, are very helpful. Talking to rational women who have a positive attitude and good experiences works similarly. You can even ask such a woman: tell me something nice, positive about giving birth. This may be difficult at first, but it must be done. In order to tame anxiety, you cannot close yourself off about it, on the contrary - you need to learn as much as possible about childbirth, but assuming a "positive filter" in your head that opens you to receive positive information. Without it, a woman with a high level of anxiety will only catch drastic content that will aggravate her anxiety. I think it is even worth writing down positive information about childbirth in the table, all that is good about childbirth. For example, you can set yourself a task: today I have to find and list some positive pages of childbirth on the Internet. Writing alone directs our attention to the positive aspects of the event, and over time capturing them becomes automatic. A woman breaks out of such negative thinking that "it will definitely be bad", but begins to look for, receive and process positive information in her head. They are recorded on the subconscious level, and even if it seems that it did nothing, after many such exercises it turns out that it did. In addition, such a person must have support during the birth itself, someone should be with him then - a husband, friend or other close person. You also need to know what childbirth looks like, so it is worth reading publications on this topic, and most of all going to childbirth school. It is worth realizing that from a medical point of view, pregnancy and childbirth have never been as safe as they are now in history.
Will my baby be he althy? Here are another concerns of pregnant women.
Different situations have to be taken into account here. Because if a woman has already experienced a sick child or was unable to have a child for a long time due to he alth reasons, her anxiety is usually justified. On the other hand, anxious people, whose pregnancy is even completely normal, usually exaggerate this fear - this is the so-called imaginary fear. Here you need to counteract, because the excess of fear can be transferred to the child, be associated with overprotection, surrounding the child, looking for diseases. A woman whose fear has no rational basis must answer the question: what are my arguments for my child being sick, and what are my arguments for being he althy. And you can also unsubscribe them. There will be many more of these positive premises, for example: I have he althy genetics (no serious diseases in my family), I lead a regulated lifestyle, I sleep a lot, eat he althily, go to the doctor regularly, I do all the tests. It is also worth asking yourself where these fears come from. It may be, for example, that a pregnant woman has suffered a loved one's illness or that her mother or sister has lost a child - then she may experience a projection, i.e. transferring the feeling of fear and threat to her child. But this is what you have to realize - when we realize that this is a transferred fear, we will understand that it is not rational or justifiable. Knowing where these fears come from allows us to control them more.
But when fear overwhelms us, it is worth seeking help?
Excessive fear disturbs our functioning. When bad thoughts appear constantly, we have no control over them, when there is a risk of transferring the fear to the child and we cannot deal with it ourselves, we need to seek specialist help. These can be support groups for pregnant women or individual meetings with a psychologist. You don't have to be afraid of that. Such conversations in the context of pregnancy can be a very interesting, nice psychological experience, opening up various horizons. They will allow you to take a look at your new role and better prepare for it.
One of the strongest fears is the fear of being a good mother. In Poland, expectations towards mothers are very high, and the model of a Polish mother who devotes herself to her child and family, forgetting about herself is still strong. It is a source of frustration for young, independent women.
First of all, you have to reject the social model. You have to let go of social pressure and choose what is good for yourself. After all, every woman is different - she has different resources, possibilities, abilities, and a different temperament. I can tell you about my own experiences. When I was about to become a mother for the first time, I also imagined that I would take a long vacation to be with the baby, because it is forbest of all, this is the social model. And after 10 days I was fed up! I wanted to leave the house and go for a walk or go shopping. It was accompanied by a terrible guilt. In the meantime, let's be clear: there is no one good model - one woman can stay at home for 3 years, and another return to work after 4 months and be a happy, good mother. Neither of these models is better or worse. For one mother, 3 years with a child will be a wonderful, beautiful time, and for another - a prison. Let's not put her in this prison! Many women suffer from postpartum depression precisely because they want to live up to other people's expectations of what their mother should be, and you don't have to do that - it's not good for a woman.
It's hard to be a perfect mom …
Let me say this: let's not be a perfect mom, because she is often a bookish mom, inflexible. She has a certain vision of what it should be like, and she has a hard time accepting deviations. Such a mother is not careful, sometimes even a child may be relegated to the background, because the most important thing is to live up to the ideal. First of all, remember that the type of bond between mother and child does not depend on the time spent together, but on the quality of the contact.
Modern women want or need to combine motherhood with work, paying a high price for emancipation. How to reconcile it at the lowest cost?
First, you have to realize that it can be reconciled. It's even worth it. Once upon a time, a woman was a mother and wife. Today she has many more roles - she has to be a mother, wife, lover, friend, employee. The role of the employee is also important. Emancipation, which changed the position of a woman, awakened her ambitions and needs, very important needs. It is not worth giving them up. But with so many roles, let's not assume that we will be perfect in all of them, that we can fulfill them one hundred percent - such an endeavor can be fatal. Women really want to prove that they can do something great, they can reconcile many of these ambitions and activities. And that can be reconciled as long as we don't try to do everything 100%. A child does not have to have, for example, starched, ironed clothes, and when it gets a little dirty, it does not have to be changed immediately, and I do not have to go to work in full makeup and impeccable costumes. You have to set priorities and let go of some things a bit, that is, make them at, say, 80 or even 50%. Then the stress and anxiety will be much less, and the feeling of satisfaction with oneself and with the tasks performed - much greater.
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