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The birth of another child is an experience for the whole family. It is a special event for the only child who has had parents to himself so far. Many parents wonder how to prepare their child for the changing situation - how to make the time of the arrival of a brother or sister easier?
Regardless of the age of yourchild , think about their personality to predict how they will react to the news of the arrival ofsiblings and the need for changes related to it. Is it flexible or is it rather difficult to adapt to new situations?Do not hesitate to talk. Start well before your arrival at home
newborn .
Open communication with the child
If you decide the time is right, calmly tell your child about it. Don't underestimate his feelings, which are beyond the words (positive and negative). If he reacts positively, with interest, he starts asking questions, just answer honestly.
When he reacts differently and says, for example, "I don't want to, Julka's brother is still crying" or the older ones say: "I will not give him my room!" then DO NOT SAY:
- "Don't worry, you'll see this little baby is cute" (calming down)
- "You'll see, everything will be fine" (calming down)
- "Don't say that, it's your brother or sister" (ordering)
- "How would you feel if someone said that about you" (moralizing)
- "I'm not going to hear you talk about your baby like this" (warning)
- "Please, hear me out, I will tell you what it will look like" (persuading)
- "Why are you saying that? It's not nice, don't you know that? "(Polling)
- "Come on, let's go get some ice cream" (distraction)
- "You are brave and smart, you will definitely cope in the new situation" (praise)
Try to keep your communication open, don't fall into patterns such as preaching, warning, comforting or distracting. They are a common reaction of parents to what a child says when he or she experiences a problem or strong emotions. In the Effective Parent Training, created by Dr. T. Gordon, they are referred to as the 12 communication barriers because they make it difficult for the child to open up to further conversation with the parent,defensive position.
So if his reaction does not match your expectations, try to remain calm. Don't get angry because it signals to your only child that his feelings and needs are not important. And yet in the situation we are talking about, emotions are the most important. They cannot be underestimated. Don't be afraid if you hear about a sibling your child reveals negative feelings. Try to understand them, also remember that feelings pass and everything changes with time, e.g. joy is replaced by sadness and hope is replaced by disappointment.
Feel what the child is going through, try to understand his point of view and look at the world through his eyes. Don't just look at the situation from your own perspective. Thanks to this, you will gain more empathy and understanding.
Trust a child - if you help him, he will deal with his feelings. Don't try to change them just because it will be easier for you.
Learn to listen to your baby
Hear what your child has to say without judging, condemning or analyzing. Try to stay neutral, show attention through silence, eye contact, and small verbal exhortations, such as "I'd love to hear from you," "Please, keep talking." Instead of persuading your child or distracting him from what he or she is going through, show full acceptance and understanding by saying something like :
- "You are nervous because this is a new situation for you"
- "You are afraid of change"
- "You don't like change, you've been alone for so many years, and now someone you don't even know will show up"
- "You think all the little ones are still crying"
- "You would like to still have us only to yourself"
- "Worried that you will have to share your toys"
- "On the one hand, you are happy that you will have a brother, and on the other hand, it is difficult for you, because it will not be just your room anymore"
In addition to proper communication, involve the older child in the preparations related to the arrival of a new family member, e.g. choose together furniture, cot, pram, clothes, toys. If the child is bigger, talk together about how the environment in your house or apartment will change. Let him say your own opinion and listen to him patiently.
Accept the child's point of view
Dr. Thomas Gordon, creator of the No-Loser method, says acceptance is like "fertile soil". View photos of your only child from when he was little. Tell the story of his coming into the world, e.g. how he was wanted and expected. How you prepared yourself by buying a pram, toys and clothes for him. Remind your child what it was like when he started talking, when he started walking, when his first teeth appearedetc.
Get ready for the jealousy that may arise when a newborn is born. Try to understand and accept it.
Remember that you can use the moment when the next baby is born to teach the older ones how to cope with changes in life. Children need such experiences. It is impossible to live your life without such an important skill. The family home is a place where we learn many of our behaviors.
With a positive attitude, listening to the child's feelings and focusing attention also focusing on his needs, you will make him feel your support and love, and thus better cope with the upcoming change. Remember also that children learn by, among other things, modeling behavior. So your attitude and how you deal with change will affect how your child deals with them. Your enthusiasm, joy, honesty, peace and self-control can teach your child to accept life changes as something positive and natural, and not as a threat, and therefore a desire to run away or withdraw.