Each person who has experienced the loss of a loved one mourns in their own way. Sometimes he suffers a week, sometimes a month, sometimes for years. Professionals avoid setting time limits that would define the "correct" length of mourning. However, there are situations when they know for sure that a person experiences his mourning in a pathological way. What signals indicate this and what is pathological grief?
Anna buried her two-month-old son a few years ago. She probably lost it to a mysterious disease, commonly known as cot death. She did nothing wrong: she did not neglect the child, did not ignore the symptoms of his illness … She just got up one morning and little Johnny was not breathing.
Ania spent the next years of her life practically in the cemetery. She would sit there all day, and at home she would arrange the baby's things over and over again. On the anniversary of the boy's birth and death, she would lock up and stay in bed for several days.
She did not return to work, although the company tried to help her: "A place is waiting for you, let me know when you want to come back". At first, the husband did not push, but took additional orders to pay off the loan. But after some time he began to gently suggest that she should find something to do. After all, they can try to get pregnant again, and then maternity leave would be useful …
But for Ania, the thought of another child was like blasphemy. "How can you propose this to me when my son is dead?" Ania was diagnosed with depression which she treated for 6 years.
Her husband says he believed in the therapy success only this year. A few days after her son's birthday, Ania suddenly stopped ironing and said to him: "We forgot about Jasiek's birthday!". "And thank God", he thought …
The mourning must be experienced
Such stories are the everyday life of psychologists working at the "Nagle Sami" Foundation, which deals with helping people who have lost their loved ones. Specialists support them in experiencing their mourning, organize classes with psychotherapists, and create support groups all over Poland.
- We are often contacted by people who have suddenly been left alone. They don't know what to do, how to continue living, they are looking for help, some tips. But we are also called by people who have been in mourning for a long time and are unable to return to normal life - says Marianna Lutomska,managing director of the Foundation.
Psychologists and psychiatrists are convinced that in order to be able to function normally after the death of a loved one, one must experience mourning. It means giving yourself time for shock, sadness, and longing to be able to accept what has happened after a while. Specialists are not able to judge how much time, for example, a mother who has just buried her son needs.
- Currently, there is a belief that mourning is something individual and the experience of mourning is different for every person - says Dr. Piotr Kiemrałowski, psychologist, psychotherapist and member of the "Nagle Sami" Foundation. - That is why today we are departing from the thought that used to be that mourning must last at least six months, and then you should come back to your old life.
The state of mourning as such is the state of losing a relationship (parent, partnership, friendship). The better and stronger this relationship, the longer it may be to come to terms with the lack of it. Nevertheless, every psychologist is able to notice signs that a given person's mourning is not correct, e.g. for a very long time. We call it pathological mourning.
Too long, too intense …
The duration of despair after the death of a loved one is obviously not the only criterion. There are other symptoms that should alert the family or the person concerned.
- Depressed mood, sadness, even anger are normal symptoms that do not have to worry yet, but when we see that a person is very focused on experiencing grief and does not leave this space, we may suspect that he is not coping with a loss - explains Dr. Kiemrałowski. - People experiencing pathological mourning are not able to return to their former roles after a few months - mother, wife, employee. They are unable to return to any activity that has been important to them so far. They have symptoms of depression that keep them out of bed. But they can also sit in the cemetery every day, remembering past events related to the deceased, looking at his photos, obsessively returning to his memories and constantly talking about him.
It is also very characteristic to create the so-called altars, i.e. places of memories of the deceased, which must not be moved.
- Nobody can enter the room where, for example, a deceased child used to live, nobody is allowed to change anything in it. Even if this space would be useful, because there are other children in the house, a person experiencing pathological depression does not allow to throw away the clothes and belongings of the deceased - adds Dr. Kiembijowski.
According to the interviewee, neglect of one's own he alth is a common and disturbing element of this state. - It happens to people whobelieve that life does not end with the disintegration of the body, but there is more to it after death, says the expert. - They then feel the desire to connect with the dead in the other world, they dream of dying, so they do not take medications and do not care about their he alth. It's such a suicide, not radical, but carried out in installments.
Sometimes a symptom of pathological mourning is apathy, and sometimes aggression - that the deceased left us alone, that fate made us so mocked. Anger can also arise when a family member tries to pull us out of despair. Very often, such people are treated as enemies, because they do not allow them to continue in pain or feed on their sadness.
The effect can even be the breakdown of contacts, which is bad, because people in mourning need a lot of support from family and friends. It can be a conversation, but also a relief in everyday duties that a suffering person has no head for: taking care of young children, shopping, cleaning …
- We are contacted by people who have someone in their family who cannot cope with the death of a partner, child or parent. They ask how they can help him, how they should behave. They worry about their loved ones and want the best, but sometimes they unknowingly hurt them by saying, "Get a grip." Such words do not help - says Marianna Lutomska.
That is why one of the activities of the "Nagle Sami" Foundation is to create support groups that gather people who have lost their lives and who have similar experiences. Sometimes, when it is insufficient, individual psychotherapy is necessary, and even the introduction of pharmacological treatment.
- Giving a grieving person antidepressants will not cure the cause of their suffering, of course, but it will improve their mood so that a person will be able to get out of this black well and do other things, it will be easier to come to terms with reality - says Dr. Kiemmłowski. - Therefore, in such a situation, you need to see a specialist. Every psychologist should have knowledge about supporting people in bereavement, and should know when it is necessary to introduce treatment and what (some medications can tone up emotions, others improve mood), when psychotherapy, and when the help of a psychiatrist is necessary. Unfortunately, in Poland, patients usually come to his office too late, when the symptoms of pathological mourning are fixed for many months. Then it is difficult to help them.
Worth knowingAccording to specialists, there are people who are particularly vulnerable to experiencing such "incorrect" mourning. All the crises, failures and tragedies we experience weaken our psyche. When they accumulate with the death of a loved one, maybecome to a situation where we cannot cope with grief. Pathological mourning often appears in children who cannot cope with their emotions, and also when there was an extremely strong bond between the deceased and the suffering person (e.g. a parental bond) or a pathological bond - it is often said about a dependent personality, i.e. a person who is dependent. who has little social competence, is afraid of people, and the deceased was her only link with the world.
Free support phone for people in mourning of the "Nagle Sami" Foundation: 800 108 108
About the author
Małgorzata Wójcik The editor in charge of the website. Journalist with 25 years of experience. From the beginning, she was associated with the subject of children and he alth - she worked, among others. in the magazine "M jak mama". At mjakmama.pl, she specializes in pregnancy and childbirth. Privately - mother of three adolescent children. He is eager to read and walks in the woods with his dog.
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