I don't know what to do, what decisions to make in order not to make another mistake in life. I'll start from the beginning. We have been married for 20 years, both in our 40s, we have no children. The husband has a very good job, he earns well. For several years, I have been running a shop where I spend 12 hours a day. I can say that I only come home to get some sleep. Her husband's first betrayal came to light 10 years ago. It was an unattractive, a few years older lady from his work. Then I decided to divorce me, but my husband convinced me that he loved me very much, and that was a mistake. He claimed that this woman was manipulating him. I believed and gave another chance. I couldn't get myself together for a long time and after another 10 years another romance. After our conversations, I learned different things about romance and myself. The husband and his mistresses argue that there was never any physical sex. I talked to both of them and I know for sure that my husband's second romance was based on very vulgar text messages, because I read them. It was about describing what, who and to whom if they were meeting in reality. The husband says he watched porn and masturbated for 3.5 years, and for eight years he lived in a world of erotic fantasies and buying gadgets. In the meantime, it turned out that they were expressing their feelings in text messages. The husband says it doesn't mean that he said it for the sake of the moment and to pump up the atmosphere. The mistress also claims that she does not love my husband. My husband claims that he cannot imagine his life without me, I am his love of life. After long talks, he admitted that he is attracted to easy and inaccessible women who can talk about sex without problems, are vulgar, speak profanity, fear that it will be revealed, a secret, it all excites him. I showed that I can also be vulgar, and then he said that he did not want me like that, because I am not like that. He also stated that he was selfish and did bad things and distances himself from the fact that such a situation will never be nice again. He cries, pleads, pleads. I explained to him that I was not able to give him such sensations and emotions and that divorce would be the best solution, he would not hurt me, and he would be able to do whatever he wanted, he did not want to hear about it. I do not know who my husband is: a fraudster who is afraid for his reputation, or if he is sick and needs to be treated - he offered it himself. Is it socalculating that he can cheat me like that, and he has sexual satisfaction from it too. I am a simple woman, I am 48 years old, I do not know anything about it, I love him very much. I wonder why he wants to be with me, I have business debts and we have loans that he pays back. Now he took a vacation and was with me for 3 weeks for 24 hours. per day. She swears she loves me. I do not understand anything anymore, I do not know if he is a calculated fraud or a sick man. I will not survive the third betrayal, I am asking for help, who is this man.
The situation you are describing may seem complicated and the decisions you are facing are difficult. You write that you want to find out who the husband really is. However, I encourage you to focus on yourself in this situation.
Whether he is a "sick person" or "calculated cheater" is difficult to judge on the basis of the information provided. It is worth checking to what extent you respond to this relationship, whether you are ready to save it. Looking at your emotions and needs also in the context of what your husband did, will make it easier to make a decision in accordance with you. I encourage you to take advantage of the support of a specialist as part of your own or marital therapy. This will allow you to organize your thoughts in safe conditions, get the right distance, name what happened, what you feel, what changes you expect and what you need.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Patrycja Szeląg-JaroszPsychologist, coach, personal development trainer. She gained professional experience working in the field of psychological support, crisis intervention, professional activation and coaching.He specializes in the area of life coaching, supporting the client in improving the quality of life, strengthening self-esteem and active self-esteem, maintaining life balance and effectively dealing with the challenges of everyday life. She has been associated with non-governmental organizations in Warsaw since 2007, co-runs the Center for Personal Development and Psychological Services of the Compass
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