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I'm 21 years old, have been in a relationship for 4 years and have a problem because my guy left me twice. It was a terrible experience because I really love him, but I gave him a chance. After a few months, I found out that for the 3 years we were together, he was texting with other girls, hitting on them. I didn't leave him, but I lost confidence in him, and as for me, my self-esteem dropped from 90% to 30%. We've been living together for 2 years, for a year now he says he's 100% honest with me and he hasn't let me down so far. He says that he regrets what he has done and that he only wants to be with me. Now I trust him 90% and despite the fact that it is very good between us, there is some insecurity in me. Well, after what I went through (I mean breakups and the fact that he wrote with other girls behind my back for 3 years), I became very jealous of him. I am jealous when I watch a comedy on TV and suddenly there are ladies with naked breasts, I keep asking who I am writing with. I'm always suspicious, jealous when we're at a party and he'll look at another. I am jealous in every situation when it comes to other, attractive women. It's just that this jealousy eats me up from inside. At such moments, I say what comes on my tongue, I even insult him, saying that he is a womanizer. What do I have to do with myself to avoid being so insanely jealous? It destroys me from the inside, to such an extent that I sleep restlessly or I dream that she is cheating on me with another. I'm afraid that because of my jealousy he will really leave me, that he will be fed up with constantly forbidding him from something (even that comedy where the girls with naked breasts are). He assures me that he always wants to be with me, but I still have this jealousy and uncertainty that maybe he will write to another one or that he will leave me. I am asking for help, because I know that this is the only man for my whole life and I don't want to spoil it with my jealousy.
Jealousy is related to the primary mechanisms of functioning and accompanies almost every human being. However, when it increases in intensity and begins to negatively affect subsequent areas of life, e.g. relationship, sleep, relations with the environment, you should look at what can be done in this situation. The boyfriend's behavior you describein fact, it could have severely damaged your confidence and self-esteem, but what happened will not undone.
Since you have decided to try again, it is important that the actions of both sides are equally intense. You write that your partner tries not to create situations that might arouse jealousy, yet you feel anxious and compelled to control. Make sure you have cleared up everything about the breakups and flirting you write about. If some issues have not resolved, it will be difficult for you to rebuild your relationship.
Restarting is an ongoing process, so it's important you both take time. The resolution: from tomorrow I will not feel jealousy and the compulsion to control, is doomed to failure. It will be easier and more constructive not to hold back the feelings that arise anyway, but to make efforts to limit the behaviors resulting from these feelings, e.g. checking your partner's phone. When you think about it in the long run: how long should this control actually last? A month, a year, forever? Such restrictions only place unnecessary tension in your relationship. You have no influence on what your surroundings do (scenes from movies, smiles of friends, etc.), you only influence your reaction when there is a signal that triggers your jealousy. It would be worth looking at the beliefs and interpretations that arise in the context of such episodes.
Once you've made the decision that this is the "one" and you want to fight for a relationship, another choice appears before you: either feeling hurt and repeating learned patterns, or working through it all and moving forward. Specialist support can be helpful when working on building a sense of security based on your own resources rather than your relationship. Rebuilding trust in a boyfriend is mainly a matter of time, but working on self-esteem is another. The self-esteem crisis is also an area that is more effectively worked on in the privacy of an office with a specialist. However, what I might suggest from your letter is paying attention to yourself instead of controlling and contemplating a possible betrayal. Take care of yourself, but not only in a physical sense, especially in a spiritual sense. Take care of your passion or discover a completely new one. Pleasant but absorbing activities will allow you to focus less on your partner's affairs. See people who are sympathetic to you more often. Pleasant company, the opportunity to talk and to distance yourself from everyday life can be extremely helpful. Rebuilding the world outside of the relationship usually works well for oneselfrelationship.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Patrycja Szeląg-JaroszPsychologist, coach, personal development trainer. She gained professional experience working in the field of psychological support, crisis intervention, professional activation and coaching.He specializes in the area of life coaching, supporting the client in improving the quality of life, strengthening self-esteem and active self-esteem, maintaining life balance and effectively dealing with the challenges of everyday life. She has been associated with non-governmental organizations in Warsaw since 2007, co-runs the Center for Personal Development and Psychological Services of the Compass
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