Are we attracted by similarities or differences? How is it worth choosing pairs to make a relationship happy and lasting? What to pay attention to? Or maybe it is worth surrendering to fate and trusting your feelings? Learn the ways to make a perfect relationship!
Most of us dream of a perfect relationship. Basia met Tomek at a party at a friend's. -I wasn't in the mood for flirting then -tells . - A few months earlier, I broke up with a guy with whom we were already planning a wedding. I recovered but was wary of men. Tomek came in the middle of the party. We started talking, we had adate . There was a strong chemistry between us. I didn't wonder if we fit together or not. I just wanted to be with him.
Relationship beginnings: passion and everyday life
The first months were wonderful. -Tomek wanted to spend every free moment with me. It surprised me, it seemed to me that men needed more space, I was afraid that he would eat too much- Basia laughs.
But Tomek did not overeat, on the contrary, he wanted more and more. They lived together. -It would seem that we spent a lot of time together, but only now did I realize that it was not about quantity, but about quality- says Basia.
She noticed that there was really no room for a conversation from the beginning. In the first months, all the space was taken by the fantasticsex , with time going to the swimming pool, to the cinema, watching TV together. -It has become a tradition: I was preparing dinner, he turned on a series, eg "Dr. House ". We didn't talk, sometimes we only commented on the plot- Basia tells.
The characteristic feature of this fascination, however, is that it fades over time. That is why it is so important that intimacy develops in the first phase of the relationship between the partners.
How to create a successful relationship: topics to talk about
- The fall of passion is a natural sequence of things - explains psychologist Arkadiusz Bilejczyk. - At the very beginning of the relationship, the partners will cling to each other, they will try to keep the partner with them, because it is the time to establish a close relationship, get to know each other.
However, when this "task" is completed, we focus on the next one, such as raising a child, buying a house. We can notbeing in love for too long, because we wouldn't be able to focus on other things that are important in life. When the moment of strong fascination passes, our partner begins to appear as a friend, which is why it is so important that we like him as a human being - he adds.
Basia started to feel lonely. She knew she was missing something. She noticed that she preferred to talk to her work colleague about her problems. She often found her fiancé that he did not remember what she had told him about, what she had asked him to do. He simply didn't listen to her in the world.
-If we didn't watch series together, he was doing something on the computer- he recalls. -One day I came to him and asked him to turn it off. I wanted us to spend Sunday together, or at least chat over lunch. He looked at me surprised and asked: "But what do you want to talk about? ".
Recipe for a relationship: learning from each other
That day Basia realized that, apart from a strong passion at the beginning of the relationship, they had little in common. -I knew we were completely different, but I liked it before. We replenished- he says.
Basia took Tomek to the theater, took him to concerts. She herself also benefited from this relationship. - Zawsze advised me on how to invest money, persuaded me to implement various ideas, thanks to him I set up a company. He taught me entrepreneurship, how to fight for mine. I am grateful to him for that. I have gained confidence .
Life seemed perfect in such a duo: partners helped each other, complemented each other. However, something was missing. Would it be better to go out with someone similar to ourselves?
Basia was in such a relationship once. -I had such a boyfriend, at the beginning it was fantastic - he recalls. - I didn't have to say anything, he knew exactly what I meant. However, it turned out to be unbearable in the long run. At first it started to irritate me: he always knew better what I wanted. It just got boring with time, everything was very predictable. I started dreaming about my guy teaching me new things, but at the same time he was a kind of a challenge for me. That's why I liked Tom so much: he was completely different from me, it fascinated me immediately .
As you can see on the example of Basia, betting on differences also failed. So where to look for the ideal system?
What are the rules for pairing up?
Partners who have different temperaments, different passions can stimulate each other. However, to build a lasting and happy relationship, they should agree on fundamental issues.
-But there is no rule for it, it is a matter of needs - comments the psychologist. - If, for example, I'm crazy about climbing, I can look for not a girl who sits at home and reads or likes sailing, but a climbing companion.
But it's often about some character traits as well. Suppose I don't care about my appearance. Then I may need a partner who will not tolerate the fact that I wear the same pants over and over and will make me go shopping.
Balance is important: people should complement each other on certain points, but common points are also needed. Relationships of people who are totally different from each other do not work.
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