The techniques of assertiveness can be learned. To begin with, try to implement the advice of experienced psychologists. There are several ways - techniques or visualizations that we can apply to reinforce our refusal. You can imagine that you are a powerful elephant, or you can repeat your refusal like a hard disk if the recipient does not respect your opinion. I invite you to a short assertiveness course!
Stages of Assertive Refusal
It often happens that someone, despite our requests to change their behavior, does not react, does not respect the boundaries we set. Then it is worth using the gradation of our reactions.
- The first step is to provide information.If someone's behavior does not suit us, irritates or angers us, we call him to attention and ask him to behave differently. Usually people don't want to be nasty and change their behavior.
- The second stage is expressing feelings.If someone continues to misbehave despite the attention paid, we tell him a second time to change his behavior. This time the tone of our voice should be more firm and decisive. We also inform you what we feel about his behavior.
- The third step is to summon the back office , which is a warning about the consequences that will threaten him if he does not change his behavior. Remember that the consequences should be real (the ones that we will really apply).
- The fourth step is to use the back office.If, despite our reaction, someone does not change their behavior, we apply the announced consistency.
Example:we are talking to a friend on the phone. At some point, she starts screaming. The four steps are as follows. 1. I am asking you not to raise your voice to me. 2. Don't yell when you call me because I feel very bad about it. 3. If you don't stop screaming, I'll stop talking to you on the phone. 4. You keep shouting, so I end the call. And hang up.
Assertive behavior techniques
Broken record.This is a popular technique. It often happens that we refuse someone, and he asks us again. Then you should not refer to further arguments and explain yourself more and more. You have to repeat the sentence - it may be slightly modified - that was said at the beginning. A friend wants to borrow PLN 100, butthe previous loan - PLN 50 - was not returned. We say: "I will not lend you PLN 100 until you give me PLN 50". "But please, this is the last time, I need this money very much." "I said that I would not lend you PLN 100 until you gave me PLN 50". "But please, please." "Don't ask me any more. I said I wouldn't lend you. "
A technique called jujitsu.Its name comes from one of the eastern martial arts. It consists in not opposing the arguments of the person who asks us for something, showing that we respect and understand their reasons, but that we refuse, because we have such a right. Last Saturday, my sister looked after our children, now she is asking us for the same favor. We have a pre-arranged meeting with a long-lost friend. We say, “Yes, I know that a week ago I asked you to help with the children and you would like me to help you now. Unfortunately, I have a busy evening and I really can't. "
I am an elephant.It is helpful in refusing to imagine that you are an elephant - big, slowly walking, calm, visible, confident but gentle. Then we speak slower, breathe more calmly, look the interlocutor straight in the eyes, try not to act under the influence of emotions. We ask what is incomprehensible about the interlocutor, we repeat his words, e.g. "You said that I am not grateful?"
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