In bed, like in the fireplace. The fire will go out quickly if you don't put it on. Passion must be fueled - to last, it needs understanding between partners, friendship and mutual care. How to light a fire in a long-term relationship, how to avoid routine?

Wrelationshipyou need not only love. It is even more important to just like each other. As man to man, not as woman to man. Katarzyna Klimko-Damska, a sexologist from the Professional Aid Center in Warsaw, has no illusions. "If you've been together for many years, it's only natural thatdesirefades," he says. - It does not mean, however, that it has disappeared forever. And that this fire cannot be rekindled. Only one thing is important: is there a lasting feeling between you and do you both really want to look for this fire.

When passion ends in a relationship

Anna introduces herself as a happy but busy married woman with 12 years of experience. He has a career, for years he has been earning the same as a husband, a director in a large corporation. But it wasn't always like that. For the first years after the wedding, she stayed at home with the children, cooking, washing and cleaning. It was only when the children grew up that she threw herself into the whirlwind of her professional career. When Krzysztof temporarily lost his job, her house and maintenance bills were on her shoulders. Under the influence of this unexpected change of roles, their serious bed problems began. And although Krzysztof has now found a much more prestigious job, their intimate problem has not disappeared but has only intensified. Sex stopped making them happy. Finally they stopped sleeping together. Worse, they started to miss each other in everyday situations. He left for work while she was still asleep. He fell asleep in front of the TV or alone while she was not there yet. On weekends, they killed time by visiting family and friends. They did not talk to each other. Neither about sex nor about myself. But they still operated like a well-oiled machine outside. Exemplary marriage. Seemingly. -At first we pretended that we didn't see it - says Anna. - But it's hard not to notice that we only spent the night in bed. We didn't make love, and even if it did happen, it ended in failure. Then we even stopped trying. My husband almost missed the couch in the living room. Fortunately, we got to the doctor on time. It turned out that the problem does not lie in sex. Just our way of life isdeparted. My husband couldn't accept the fact that I had become a strong, dominant woman. He dreamed of me being a domestic hen as he used to be.- When looking for the reasons for the expiredof passion , you should look at the relationships between partners - claims Katarzyna Klimko-Damska. - It is then worth considering whether we have anything else in common: do we have common passions, do we like to spend time together, or do we still like each other. It may turn out that there is nothing left between us and that everything divides us. The chill in bed is due to a lack of real bonds and usually there is nothing else to save. That's why you have to fight for yourself and fuel the fire of feelings.

Important

If we want to save the relationship, we have to start talking to each other. Do not bury your head in the sand, but openly talk about what hurts and bothers us.

You need to cultivate intimacy in every relationship

Desire fades out the fastest in relationships based on sexual fascination. Chemistry works at the start: hormones are booming, we see a more colorful, tasty and magical world. Emotions seem very strong. Such a violent lightning bolt of love, however, fades very quickly. Even sexually perfectly matched couples will not cope in the marital bed if they do not build the basis of a relationship, i.e. friendship, close relationships. Intimacy must be cared for like a delicate orchid - emphasizes the sexologist. - Get to know your partner, watch him change. After all, nothing is given to us forever. And the only constant in life is change. Just because a spouse once hated oral sex doesn't mean she doesn't want it now. Just because it used to be a few minutes for foreplay doesn't mean it will be the same after many years. Fortunately, most couples don't bond with each other just for the sake of sexual attraction. After many years, they also have a lot in common, so problems in bed can be solved, but you have to be willing to do it and be able to name the problems honestly. In the intimate sphere, especially, you can't fool anyone. If something is wrong, let's talk about it right away. Let's cut the head of the hydra. - Since we have known each other for so long, we have lived together so much, and we even have children together, we owe such a conversation to ourselves. This is the beginning of treatment - says Katarzyna Klimko-Damska.

It's important to look for the cause of your relationship troubles

Let's both be honest with each other. A woman may refuse to have sex because she feels unattractive or even old. She'll cover herself with migraines or stomachaches, and she may be ashamed of her body. A man in such a situation should assure her that they are not together, that he expects her breasts to become firmer with age, and that her stomach is still flat like a model's, but because she is herself, because she is exactly what she is.such. A man may have age-related problems with an erection or premature ejaculation. And if, worse, he's 100% macho, then he doesn't want to admit his problems. He will pretend otherwise, and that is the only reason why he will avoid sex. His partner should persuade him to go to the doctor and get tested. If they both pretend everything is fine, they will never meet in this bed. Worse still, these understatements can spread to other spheres of life. There will be quarrels about un-extinguished light, an unattached tube of toothpaste or late returns home. Quiet days, betrayals. This spiral can go on and on and the relationship will really end.

Only relationships based on a real bond can survive a betrayal

48-year-old Marianna, an attractive plump brunette, found her husband one day with suitcases in the doorway. " I'm leaving- he said -my girlfriend is pregnant with me ". This is how Marianna found out about Andrzej's double life. And about an affair with a 24-year-old friend from work. All the lies, the lipsticks on the collars of the shirts, foreign perfumes and those constant business trips were immediately cleared up. The husband only confirmed what she had long suspected. Another in her place would have asked for a divorce. The problem, however, was that Marianna really loves her husband very much. She understands him and has fun with him. -I am laughing at his jokes. Apart from that, he has never let me down and is the perfect father to our children- he explains. -So I said, "Me or she, choose. We can jointly pay child support for your child”. Andrzej was stunned at first. Then they started talking. The fight for her husband lasted three days and three nights, full of fiery sex, although they hadn't slept together in a year. " If you leave now, you have no right to enter our house. The choice is yours”Marianna concluded. It stayed and they started all over again. Sex is no longer a problem. And their relationship is even more permanent. - Marianna probably understood that by refusing to be close to her husband, she herself pushed him into the arms of a younger colleague from work - explains Katarzyna Klimko-Damska. - Paradoxically, sometimes sexually impaired relationships are good for betrayal. Provided that it is a one-time jump to the side and the partners come back to each other confident that they made the right choices in life. Betrayal can revive frozen emotions and make the betrayed woman start taking care of herself to fight for her husband. The husband himself, by comparison, will finally appreciate his wife's qualities and the fire will reappear in the bed. Bigger sometimes than at the beginning of their relationship. This, of course, does not work for everyone. Only in relationships based on a real bond. And - I emphasize -this is a very risky way.

You must do it

Decalogue of a happy relationship for long-term couples

  1. Talk honestly about your sexual needs and pains. Honestly and openly, just like you say about vacation plans or home renovation.
  2. Don't accuse yourself of bad intentions, don't make your partner feel guilty, and don't blame each other for the state of affairs. The fault is always in the middle.
  3. Think about your partner's non-sexual needs. Wife takes care of a small child? Allow her to be with her for an hour so that she can take care of herself, not greet you in sweatpants. If your husband works hard, don't make him fix the tap when he comes back. He won't feel like having hot sex after you complain about being lazy because he'd rather mind flipping channels than helping you.
  4. Take care of yourself. Surprise your partner with a new hairstyle, outfit, new image, a completely new sexual behavior (talk about it beforehand, lest he think that he is being cheated on).
  5. Be nice to each other and feel like it's your honeymoon. Try not to complain and show yourself affection on a daily basis. If you snarl at each other during the day and expect sensuality and fervent confessions by night, you will be sorely disappointed.
  6. Spend time with each other, not next to each other. Talk, find common passions and interests. Cultivate what brings you together, not what separates you.
  7. Add variety to sex: aphrodisiacs, underwear, extended foreplay, surprises. Rent a hotel for one night, get ready for that night as if you were engaged, not a couple for more than a dozen years. Give the kids to their grandparents for the weekend. Take a break from the prose of life.
  8. Appreciate your advantages. Nobody knows you like their partner. Talk about it. Everyone wants to be accepted and loved. Even flaws can be an asset because they are tame.
  9. Never, ever buy a second duvet, and worse, move to the couch in the living room. Fight for yourself!
  10. If all fails, see a specialist. Maybe your fire can still be saved.

Relationship must be nurtured

There are specific situations in your relationship that you need to pay special attention to. Loss of job, pregnancy, puerperium, menopause and hormone replacement therapy in women, "forty" in men. - You have to want to be close all the time. Both men and women want true warmth, not cuddly dolls. There is no successful night without a successful day - emphasizes Klimko-Damska. And he cautions against frequent reconciliation in bed. "Although it's a fairly effective method," he says. - It is difficult to go to bed with someone with whomwe don't understand with whom we argued. And in bed, you can grab your partner's hand and explain everything without anger or stubbornness. But it's important to be able to smile at yourself the next day and not make the mistakes of the day before. Otherwise, sex will become an artificial and unhe althy mechanism for apparent reconciliation. Over time, it will cease to bring results.

Women often "trade sex". They move away from the man to achieve some goal - punish him, teach him a lesson. We will not make love because he was mean to me, he did not fold the cupboard, he did not fulfill the task. The man will begin to wonder about the reason for his woman's behavior, then look for a way to get around this obstacle. - One will run away into treason - says the sexologist. - Another, loyal one, will try to ease the tension differently. But how much can you masturbate? In either case, the tear in the relationship deepens. Fortunately, more and more couples in Poland go to specialist clinics. It's money well invested. Divorce and healing from emotional breakdowns are much more expensive.

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Psychology