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The birth of a child turns the lives of two people upside down. It can sometimes cause a serious relationship crisis. Will newly-minted parents get over it unscathed, or will their bond of affection suffer? The joint life of a woman and a man after the birth of a child depends to a large extent on themselves.
The birth of a babypresents yourrelationshipwith new challenges and makes you no longer just a couple. You are faced with the necessity (but also the chance) to reevaluate and reorganize your life together. You have to pass the maturity exam in a completely new role - partner and parent in one. And it is not easy, because although the birth of a beloved baby is primarily a great joy, this event causes a very serious crisis in many relationships. Shockingly, 70 percent of couples say they enjoy life less after having a baby.
The birth of a child is the end of a partnership in a relationship
Why is this happening? So far, the partnership formula has worked great: no purely male tasks (housekeeping) and female tasks (taking care of the child), sharing expenses, focusing on the partner and feelings. Now, in the new circumstances, this model is failing,the relationshipbecomes less partner than before … She looks after the home and the child, and he takes care of the family. The experiences of two people, until recently similar, are starting to diversify more and more. After some time it turns out that they live in two separate worlds. Your man may not realize how shocking you are when a baby arrives. You lose your freedom day by day. You have to find yourself in the uncomfortable role of a person completely adapting to the requirements of a tiny man, as well as the ungrateful role of a housewife. Few people know that after the birth of a child, only household chores (apart from caring for the baby), women spend several times more time than before! There is much more washing and washing up, cleaning is done practically every day because of the baby, you can forget about shopping made once a week. Let's add cooking, ironing and a seemingly trivial thing: going outside with the baby, which for every young mother is like a trip to Mount Everest with fullinventory.
But maybe you are not fully aware of the challenges that your loved one has to face, placed in the new role of "head of the family" for him. Usually, material responsibility falls on him (so far divided between both partners). A much greater financial burden than before motivates the young father to work hard, which, unfortunately, is paid for by constant stress, fatigue and irritation.
You must do it7 tips for him and her
- Talk openly - let each of you say what you feel, but also listen with attention and kindness to the other party.
- Do not forget to say nice things to each other every day, be tender - like when you were just two.
- Show yourself how important you are still to yourself. Little gestures, little surprises can work wonders.
- Once a week, each of you for an hour, without remorse, do what you like best. You will not feel trapped in a "family treasure."
- Once in a while, after putting your baby to sleep, open a bottle of wine, turn on your favorite music and turn off the TV, phone …
- Take care of your attractiveness both for your own well-being and to make your partner fun.
- In company, appreciate the advantages of your partner. It's very nice.
How not to fall into the trap of perfectionism after the birth of a child
When a child arrives, ambitious young parents begin to live like robots programmed for a new role. They have a mission and they strive for perfection. They are so absorbed in their task that, paradoxically, although they devote themselves to the family, they forget not only about their partner's needs, but also about common sense.
Young mothers very often use measures applied in their professional work to the requirements of being a mother and a housewife. There, satisfaction and fulfillment of ambitions are achieved by recognizing the work done. However, the hustle and bustle around the baby, diapers, bottles and pots does not satisfy the ambition and does not give you the feeling that something great has been achieved. A young mother, instead of accepting the difference of these two situations, does even more (often beyond her strength), wants to be irreplaceable, but does not receive more recognition. As a result, she stops enjoying anything.
On the other hand, her husband, programmed to ensure material security for the family, works more and more. At home, if the child is still awake, the husband tries to help in taking care of the baby, but he does not particularly object when the wife observes his treatments impatiently, saying: "Give it, I'll do it myself." Why? First, it's rainingfrom fatigue, and secondly … he feels sidelined. The young dad wants his home to be a place where he can rest. He expects his wife to take care of his comfort and peace of mind, to appreciate his sacrifice (that is, like at work, he expects a reward). He also believes that the division of responsibilities: he works, she looks after the house - is fair and should be respected. However, there is a catch - we can only speak of a sense of justice when it is perceived in the same way by both sides, when both he and she feel satisfied with this state of affairs, and not aggrieved, exploited or underestimated. A simple diagram: I work from home, you work at work, it requires verification many times in the face of reality. Meanwhile, fatigue and the eternal lack of time do not allow young parents to calmly, objectively look at the problem.
Relationship reconstruction
How to get out of this situation? Neither of you should make the tacit assumption that the other side will intuitively sense what's bothering your partner. An honest conversation is needed so that young parents can tell each other what hurts them, clear up their doubts, and correct their model of marital intercourse. It is quite possible that her: "Darling, I am proud of you" - instead of complaining from the threshold - or his: "You are a special woman" will bring a surprising result … : about feeling and wanting to be a partner of a loved one. Do not let the feeling get bogged down in the everyday hustle and bustle, so that the relationship becomes only a community of interests, focused primarily on dealing with current matters related to maintenance, cleaning or shopping.
Intimacy and closeness after the birth of a child
However, in order to better understand the other side, you must also try to understand your own feelings and behavior. Few women, for example, realize that very often in good faith they act to their own disadvantage. How many times does ambition prevent a young mother from taking advantage of outside help, and with persistence worthy of a better cause, she does things she should not, for example, carrying heavy bags full of shopping. A young mother is not always happy to accept her partner's help with her baby. In her striving for independence, she does not want her husband to help her out in taking care of the child, because he believes that this is her task and she should deal with it on her own.
The young father also has often hidden regrets: he misses the first word, the baby's first step, sees how his offspring clearly distinguishes his mother. Sometimes he feels like a guest in his own home, aNot only has his wife lost interest in him as a man, but she also still wears a stretched tracksuit. As a result, the husband withdraws more and more and goes to work.
After giving birth to a child, the return to intimate intercourse can also be a flash point. It is not easy or obvious: the hormones secreted during breastfeeding lower the libido of a young mother, return to intimacy is hindered by fatigue, fear of another pregnancy, recovery after childbirth … It will take a while to find yourself and on this level, but the key is lack of rush, understanding and delicacy on the part of the partner.
Many new moms struggle with body complexes. However, it is often the case that what is a problem for a young mother does not bother her partner at all.
But there is also the other side of the coin: compliments are on the man's lips when he sees his partner smiling and well-groomed. It is worthwhile for you to find at least a little for yourself, despite a fierce battle with time when caring for your baby. All you need is a half-hour nap during the day (e.g. when your toddler is sleeping), taking care of the hairstyle, replacing a comfortable, but not very effective tracksuit with equally comfortable, but more feminine, home clothes - your husband will surely notice the change. But you also do it for yourself. Taking care of your appearance will improve your well-being and will be the first step to rebuilding your self-esteem and attractiveness after pregnancy.
The birth of a child turns a couple into a family
The birth of a child requires, as you can see, not only organizational changes. Parents must learn to look for mutually satisfactory solutions, but above all, to talk openly about their feelings. Thanks to this, the couple, becoming a family, will not cease to be a couple. Parents share a child, but they should remember that it is the fruit of their love.
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