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It is a great joy to have a new family member. But also a big change for the pampered only child who had exclusive parents so far. It is worth spending time and energy to prepare the older child for the upcoming changes and the birth of a younger brother or sister.
»How to tell an only child that he will soon have siblings?
The easiest way possible - that there will be a sister or brother in the world. The follow-up depends on the age of the child, because such a message must be adapted to his maturity. For example, it is hard for me to imagine that a toddler and a half year old would be seated in an armchair and started a serious conversation. Its ability to process our message is limited.
»Or maybe say nothing and surprise?
You have to talk, because the birth of another child is a change for the whole family, not only for adults. If a toddler spent days with his mother, he had her only to himself, then the appearance of siblings is a revolutionary change. And one more thing - the child is wise, he can sense that something is happening. If we avoid the subject and make mysterious faces, we evoke anxiety and disrupt the sense of security.
»What time to choose for such an interview?
There can be many occasions, for example, when we see a baby, at friends or on a walk, you can refer to it and explain to the child that a sister or brother will also be such a toddler. You can also use an example from a fairy tale where there are siblings. There are also books and films for children that tell about waiting for a new family member. There are many such items and it is worth using them. But before buying a book, I advise parents to read its content, and before watching a movie together - watch it yourself. By knowing their child, mother and father will know best if the contents of the booklet are appropriate for them.
»Include the child in the preparations for the adoption of a new family member?
This is a good idea, because the reality does not change from the translation itself. Besides, when we ask for help, the toddler will not feel left out, will not get the impression that something important is happening without his participation. To what extent - it depends on the sensitivity of the child and the ingenuity of the parents. Life for a few years oldis an adventure and fun, it can be used to the benefit of both the child and the parents. The preschooler will be a great assistant in choosing clothes
for a newborn, help to choose colors or furniture for the baby's room, will have a great time buying a pram. Who knows, maybe he will choose a name for his little sister or brother and it will be a reason for him to be proud? All this will prepare the old child to welcome the toddler at home, introduce the mood of anticipation and joy of the upcoming birth. Viewing ultrasound images with your parents and figuring out where the leg is visible or speaking to your mother's growing belly will also help to build a shared story.
»And when the child asks, where did the baby get there from?
We answer this. But let's not overdo the details when talking to a preschooler, because he simply does not need them. Most likely it will be enough to hear that it is for love. However, I advise against stories about storks and cabbage. However, if there are any additional questions, I advise you to answer them as well. I do not recommend taking out a book on biology and giving a four-year-old boy an in-depth lecture on sex life. For an older child, however, it can be a good excuse for a more serious conversation. But only if he is interested in it. Let's not bombard with details until she asks.
»But the most difficult is yet to come …
When a second child is born, everything turns upside down, both in the world of parents and children. A pampered only child, who previously had parents only to himself, must share them. In addition, you can't even play with this baby and everyone is so delighted with him.
»How can his parents help him?
An older brother or sister does have a problem. What they had only imagined so far has become a fact. It is difficult for a few-year-old to come to terms with it - even if the parents explained that a lot would change after the baby was born, he could not imagine how much. Parents, grandparents, friends - everyone is now paying attention to the youngest in the family. This can raise legitimate anger in the elder. It's good if parents emphasize at this time that it is also very important. You can even discreetly draw the attention of guests who come to see the toddler.
»Does the idea of a gift work, which - as adults explain to their firstborn child -" brought him his younger siblings "?
Such a gift then appears at home with this brother or sister and has a positive attitude towards the siblings of the older child. If this is part of the joyfulstories about a new family member, why not ?! However, it will not work if parents treat the gift as buying peace of mind or want to use a gift to compensate for the time that they do not have for an older child now. However, I recommend setting aside for the older child the moments that mum or dad spend only with him. Little people like rituals because it gives them a sense of security. This is especially necessary with a newborn who - from the point of view of older siblings - introduces chaos and anxiety. Let it be a daily walk from kindergarten or school, going to the swimming pool or reading together before going to bed - it is important that this is the time reserved for the elderly.
»The older ones should be invited and encouraged a child to help with an infant?
If interested, this might be a great idea. The little boy himself can do changing and feeding on a doll or a teddy bear. And giving mom real diapers or cotton swabs, holding her rompers, driving the stroller, she will surely feel important and needed. It is also spending time together, building sibling relationships and a pretext for conversations. We can explain using examples and refer to the past: "See how little Małgosia is, you've been like that too" or "The little ones like walking a lot, we also walked a lot with you", and even: "The baby cannot say what he wants, that's why you have to pay so much attention to him. " This will help the older child understand why a younger one needs different treatment.
»And if he decides that it is better to be a baby?
This regression happens - a few-year-old lies down and pretends to be a baby, wants a pacifier, a diaper, just like a little sister or brother. Let's let him do it, let's hug him, say, "But you're tiny." Do not be afraid that we will confirm this belief, the child knows perfectly well that it is a game. It cries out for our attention and closeness. This cry must not be ignored, shamed or criticized. If we meet this need and don't make it a problem, it will pass by itself.
»" You are older, be smarter. " "Give in to your brother, because he is younger." Does it work?
Sometimes similar messages cannot be avoided, because it is obvious that older children are required to understand more. But I do not advise you to abuse this argument, because it can evoke a sense of harm in an older child, a belief that the younger is allowed to do anything. However, my advice is positive motivation. When a little man hears, "You are a great big brother," he will feel needed and appreciated.
»And then we can be calm about the future relationships of these two?
It is not that easy, they will build for years. It's worth itto observe brotherly and sisterly contacts and intervene when the situation calls for it. Sometimes it is the older child who uses his strength to tease the toddler, and sometimes the younger one finds a way to make the life of the older one difficult. Excessive interference by parents in these relationships is not recommended, but some control is necessary. And that from the very beginning.
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