There is nothing to cheat - living under the same roof with your in-laws is not a comfortable situation for you or your parents (and in-laws at the same time). Living with parents-in-law can cause conflicts, especially when a child appears in the world. What causes them and can they be prevented?

It would be best to live on your own right now, run the house your own way and not be dependent on anyone. However, since there is no such possibility - both parties should make efforts to makeshared flatbearable for everyone. After all, everyone cares (or at least should care) that the relations in the family are the best.

Advantages of living with my in-laws

The undoubted advantage of living within-lawsis that it usually costs nothing. And even if you contribute to the rent, it still costs much less than maintaining a separate apartment. The malicious say that the advantages end there. But it doesn't have to be that way. Both parties may have benefits and satisfaction from living together. Young people can benefit from the experience of their parents and their advice when, for example, organizing baptisms or renovations. A great help is the possibility of leaving the child in the care of grandmother or grandfather when mother has to go to the doctor, office or both parents want to go out together in the evening.

However, also for parents-in-law, having a child and his / her second half under your roof may have advantages. Young people can also help them - do shopping, clean up, take them to a doctor or church, if their parents do not have a car. Living together also increases the sense of security, and if the relationship is very good - it can give a lot of emotional satisfaction. This is an opportunity to form warm bonds withdaughter-in-law(son-in-law) and grandchildren.

For some grandparents it is also important to know that their loved ones need them. It strengthens their self-esteem. Good relations between a young married couple and in-laws do not happen often, but they are possible. What it depends on? What can cause problems and how to proceed to make the mutual relations, if not perfect, then at least correct?

You must do it

Husband's mom

  • accept the distinctiveness of the young family and accept the principle that you will only advise them when asked to do so;
  • if you want to give a hint on minor matters, nouse an imperative form - let it be a proposal or a question: "Don't you think that the girl is too lightly dressed?" - such advice is much easier to take;
  • remember that your childcare knowledge is often out of date; today differently than 20-30 years ago; e.g. the issue of feeding or putting a toddler to sleep is approached;
  • do not discourage the young father (and your son) from looking after the baby; If your husband hasn't changed diapers, that doesn't mean your son shouldn't do it either.

Young mom

  • you are the guests here, so in the first place you should adapt to the customs prevailing in this house;
  • What you might consider meddling is often out of goodwill and willingness to help rather than malice or self-righteousness; when, for example, the mother-in-law says that the child is too lightly dressed, she worries that the child will get cold, and does not point out to you how badly you dressed them;
  • if you are annoyed by good advice, show it politely but firmly: "Mom, don't be angry, but I know what to do", "Thank you for the advice, but it is not necessary" or: " I prefer to listen to what the doctor says ";
  • remember this is a temporary situation, so don't burn your bridges: it's always better to have a good relationship with your in-laws.

Young dad

  • if there is a conflict between your wife and mother, you have to react - it is much easier for you than for your wife to draw your mother's attention;
  • try to be objective and relieve tension, but remember that now you are primarily a husband and father, not your mom's child, and your wife must feel as if she has support in you;
  • your most important goal right now is to move as quickly as possible - do whatever you can to speed it up.

Reasons for conflicts between young people and in-laws

"Because I know better" - this slogan concisely describes one of the most common reasons for mutual dislike, especially between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Even when her husband's mother doesn't say it out loud, she usually believes it. Often, they are justified, because a young mother may not know yet that, for example, it is more convenient to feed the baby by placing the baby on a pillow. She's just learning.

But there is also the other side of the coin: the mother-in-law's knowledge of how to deal with pregnancy or with a child dates back 20-30 years. And while the home remedies for heartburn that she recommends can work, for example, convincing that the best for a baby's butt are tetras diapers, there is no justification. To avoid conflicts, in-laws must accept the fact that daughter-in-law and son are separate families and that they are adults, so they cannot be treated as children.

In the beginning onThey certainly cannot care for a child as well as an experienced one, but they must be allowed to learn. And it is not conducive to constant instruction, especially from the point of view of an all-knowing person. Let the young people decide for themselves, let them learn from their mistakes. You only need to give them advice when they ask for it.

It is important for the in-laws to create a friendly atmosphere and for the young to adapt to the rules of the house

"This is my house and I rule in it" - a strong argument, but not entirely true. Because if the parents (in-laws) have agreed to accept the young, they must understand that now it is also their home (temporarily). And you need to create an atmosphere that makes everyone feel comfortable in it. The last words apply to both sides. Young people should follow the rules in force at home, e.g. not to invite guests without warning or to revolutionize kitchen cabinets by arranging plates in their own way. And the elders cannot remind them that they use a lot of water, because they bathe (!) And wash too often (after all there is a small child) or furnish them with a marriage room.

Conflicts with in-laws due to differences of opinion about raising grandchildren

"I know what's good for my grandson." Definitely. However, it should be remembered that it is the parents, not the grandparents, that always have the last word on the child. Education is their job and no one can replace them. Grandparents can help and their advice will surely be listened to carefully - when asked for it. However, they should not impose themselves on them or be offended, e.g. when the name they chose is not liked by the child's parents.

Sometimes differences of character and conflicts force you to leave your in-laws

Conflicts usually arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but also mother-daughter or mother-in-law-son-in-law (if the young live with the wife's parents). There are people on both sides, with their faults and emotions. However, it seems that the situation of a daughter-in-law living with her mother-in-law is always more difficult than that of a daughter living with her mother. Usually, then, how the mutual relations will be depends on the mother-in-law. If he has good will and can empathize with the other person, the chances of a good deal are huge. Sometimes, however, the differences in characters are so great, and the mutual grievances have grown so much that you have to move out quickly. Too bad, it didn't work. But the wedding is not with the in-laws, but with the husband. If you are doing well together, even the lack of familiarity with your in-laws should not be a tragedy.

monthly "M jak mama"

Category:

Psychology