People suffering from obesity of the third degree, i.e. giant bariatric surgery helps you lose weight. It is a hope for a new life for them. Sometimes, however, weight loss has an unexpected effect on their love, friendship and sexual relationships.

Before Steven Jason Williams, 44, underwent bariatric surgery in August 2022, he attended a support group for bariatric patients. In one of the sessions, he first heard that many married patients divorce within a few years after the operation. Steven turned and looked at his wife, Desiree, who was sitting next to him. Steven then weighed 226 kg and could no longer walk by himself. He hardly left the house, and it was his wife who looked after him. This time Desiree was driving the wheelchair on which he had arrived for the meeting. Looking at his wife, Steven realized that their marriage was over. Apparently, Desiree felt the same, having walked away from Steven two months later. "I didn't even heal the surgical wound," Steven recalls.

Williams is an American YouTuber known for vlogging about games, which he records as Boogie2988 from his home in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Williams has lost nearly 1/3 of his body weight since the bariatric surgery. Now he weighs 154 kg. Would Williams have had surgery if he knew it would cost his marriage? He says yes.

- My doctor sat down next to me and said, Steve, if you don't have this surgery, you will die, Steven recalls. - Of course it was about my he alth, but I also went to the operation for my wife. I would do it again. To give her the opportunity to end our already toxic relationship and return our freedom. I wanted her to be happy, says Steven.

Divorce for some, love for others

The statistics on divorce among bariatric patients who made such an impression on Williams come from a study conducted in 2022. It turned out that among almost 1,000 obese patients who underwent bariatric surgery, 9 percent. have divorced or split up with their spouses or partners. On the other hand, patients who were lonely before surgery found love after surgery. Among nearly 1,000 survey participants, 21 percent. entered into a relationship or got married within 4 years after surgery.The study also showed the relationship between such factors as: the number of kilograms lost and the possibility of finding a partner.

- Many people who have undergone surgical treatment of obesity describe it as a strong, almost life-changing event - says prof. Per-Arne Svensson of the University of Gothenburg, who led the research. - The operation affected many aspects of their lives. It's not just about losing excess body weight. They began to meet people more often and became more socially active.

Good parties

This was the case of Gary Cupid, a 35-year-old property manager from Hackney, East London. After a gastric by-pass operation in June 2022, Cupid lost 49 kg. He started exercising and making new relationships and friendships. His confidence in people grew, but his relationship fell apart. Gary's fiancée left him two months after his surgery. - I don't think she was comfortable with my new acquaintances. She felt like I became a different person, says Gary.

It's not just about what and how an obese person feels after losing weight. Society is also beginning to treat such people differently. - Many people suffer from obesity for many years, sometimes even for the entire life - says prof. Svensson. - When they suddenly lose weight, other people start to notice them. Patients who are used to being invisible to others suddenly become attractive and desirable games in an emotional and sexual sense.

Love and sex not for fat?

- Invisible. Yes, that's the best word I can use to describe myself before surgery, says Chloe, a 34-year-old therapist in Shropshire, UK. After the sleeve gastrectomy, she lost several sizes. - I did not realize that people treat me differently because I am obese. I thought I was pushing people away, so they don't make contact with me, e.g. by eye contact - says Chloe.

When Chloe was fat, she didn't feel love worthy. - I also didn't feel that I could choose. I felt that if someone wanted to be with me, I should hang on to him - Chloe recalls. She got married before the operation, but has already divorced. "I married this man because he was the only one who wanted me," explains Chloe. Her marriage broke up, partly due to her husband's low sex drive. Chloe attributed it to her high importance and to the fact that she was "not acting" on her husband.

When you feel invisible due to obesity, you bond with the person who wants you, not with who you feel comfortable with. - Western culture is fascinated by a slim, even skinny figure. This is the most visible determinantbeauty and attractiveness, says Dr. David Sarwer of the Center for Obesity Education and Research at Temple University. - For obese people, especially the huge message: If you're not skinny, love, romance, relationship, physical attraction and sex are not for you.

Getting out of unhe althy relationships

After the bariatric surgery, Chloe's self-esteem slowly improved, and her husband felt more and more resentful that she had made this decision. They had an argument. Her husband refused to attend a friend's party that Chloe had given when she was already losing weight. Chloe began to realize how toxic her marriage was. "I was sure I didn't have to and don't want to be treated like this," says Chloe.

This "seeing through the eyes" that Chloe has experienced is not unusual. "The point is not that bariatric surgery destroys marriages and relationships, but that it helps to recover from unhe althy relationships," says Dr. Sarwer. - Imagine you are getting into some kind of relationship with low self-esteem and low self-esteem. You have had an operation, you feel and think better of yourself, so you may come to the conclusion that the current relationship does not suit you, that you want something more.

Goodbye wife …

Sometimes a relationship with a person suffering from obesity, especially a huge one, completely changes the relationship: from a partner, love, sexual relationship to a "hospital" relationship: the patient and the caregiver. Many married couples and unmarried couples have this problem. "If people are struggling with serious illnesses, it can jeopardize the feelings in their relationship," says Dr. Sarwer.

Desiree, Steven's wife helped him wash up, shopped and drove him to his appointments with doctors. - She had to do literally everything with me. She was exhausted not only from running the house but taking care of me, ”says Steven. After the divorce, Desiree admitted: Yes, I feel that a huge burden has fallen from me and I have no qualms about it. I feel like myself again.

It is common for bariatric surgery patients to feel like newborn. - The operation was a turning point in my life. She also made a big impact on my relationship, says Kelly Graham, 38, the leader of a band from Bedfordshire, UK.

Graham's wife didn't want him to undergo surgery. "You'll have to do it when I'm not home," she joked. So Graham went to surgery when his wife went on vacation, in June 2022 to be exact. After surgery, Graham began to realize that his marriage had been falling apart for many years. And it's his fault. - I've been very busy being unhappy with my obesity. It dominated my life so much that I no longer cared for my wife or forour relationship. After the operation, when I started to lose weight, I wanted to fix everything, but my wife didn't want to. She left me, recalls Gary.

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Goodbye friends and food

Bariatric surgery affects more than just love relationships. Many patients lose their friends after surgery. Aisha Walker, 43, from Kent, UK, who runs the Gastric Guru bariatric support group, underwent gastric bypass surgery in March 2022. Within a month of surgery, she lost some of her best friends.

- Because I wasn't that quiet, humble man who sits in the corner and doesn't speak anymore. My personality, temperament, and attitude to life were changing and it made people who knew me feel uncomfortable around me, says Aisha. - And one of my friends, although he saw that I became physically disabled because of my illness, said that when I decided to undergo surgery, I chose the "easy way out".

Following bariatric surgery, many obese patients need to revise and repair their most destructive relationship - that of food. Chloe admits that her pre-surgery diet was terrible, because it was with food that she de alt with her emotions.

- And all of them, says Chloe. - I ate when I was happy and ate when I was sad. After surgery, Chloe could only take a few bites. So food could no longer be her assistant in coping with her feelings. Chloe needed to understand them and deal with them in a different way.

Bariatric identity crisis

After his wife left, Steven Williams had to get used to living as a single man. He also had to learn to live in a completely new body. - When I lost weight, people started to treat me like… human. They make eye contact and smile. I'm no longer invisible to them, or ridiculous. It's a shocking experience, says Steven. - I started to feel like a dysmorphic man ( editor's note: deviations from the norm of anatomy ). I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.

Rapid weight loss can trigger an identity crisis in a patient after bariatric surgery. "You don't know who you really are before the procedure," says Aisha Walker. - After the surgery you have to find yourself or decide who you want to be.

When we talk about bariatric surgery, we most often analyze its effects in terms of weight loss. We rarely think about the effect of operations on the patient's emotions. - You think losing weight alone will solve your problems, but it is muchmore complex, says Gary Cupid. - Before the operation, I was a nice guy to everyone. I was spreading jokes and helping people to like me. After the surgery, I started to wonder if I was still so cool since I lost weight and I don't have to plead for the sympathy of others.

Building yourself from scratch

According to the researchers, more research is needed to better understand the factors that influence the breakdown of relationships in people after bariatric surgery. Dr. Svensson warns patients who are preparing for surgery to be ready for such consequences. - Many obese patients who have failed dietary treatment view bariatric surgery as an opportunity for a new life. They expect a lot from her, but not that it will destroy their relationships. We should therefore warn patients that they may experience many changes after surgery and it will not be just about the lost kilograms of body fat.

There is no doubt that after surgery, obese patients can rebuild their lives from scratch and decide who and with whom they want to be in this life. - This is the first time I am hopeful. I feel like the best part of my life is just beginning, says Steven Williams.

Based on: The Guardian (UK)

Important

Poradnikzdrowie.pl supports safe treatment and a dignified life of people suffering from obesity. This article does not contain discriminatory and stigmatizing content of people suffering from obesity.

Magdalena Gajda A specialist in obesity disease and obesity discrimination of people with diseases. President of the OD-WAGA Foundation of People with Obesity, Social Ombudsman for the Rights of People with Obesity in Poland and a representative of Poland in the European Coalition for People Living with Obesity. By profession - a journalist specializing in he alth issues, as well as a PR, social communication, storytelling and CSR specialist. Privately - obesity since childhood, after bariatric surgery in 2010. Starting weight - 136 kg, current weight - 78 kg.

Category:

Obesity