Most of us believe in the absolute power of love that "can move mountains". But is love enough to be happy with yourself all your life? It's worth knowing that no love will ever be the same - a relationship goes through different stages.

Raised on romantic literature, hypnotized every day by the media, we trust thatlovewill save us. We believe that it is she who will change our life, which from now on will be full of roses. Everything will work out - just meet the right person, the other half of the apple, the twin star that shines only for us …

The myth of romantic love has been instilled in us since childhood, so it's no wonder that when we enter adult life, we want to make it a reality. We live in the conviction that somewhere there is a man destined only for us and able to love us with a blind and unconditional love.

Stages of love: fascination

Meanwhile, as every divorced person knows, love is not enough to survive in happiness all life. And although there is great affection at the root of most marriages, not all of them can be said: "They lived happily ever after." Unfortunately, the belief that only love is needed for a relationship to work is one of the greatest lies that modern civilization feeds us. But it's also hard not to fall into its trap. Because when we are hit by Cupid's arrow, we stop thinking rationally.

In the falling in love phase, we are overwhelmed by another person, exposed to pheromones. Complicated chemical processes take place in the body. Endorphins flood the brain … We don't eat, we don't sleep, we think obsessively about him (about her), imagining how wonderful it can be to live by his side. This moment of enchantment is beautiful, unfortunately - one day it passes.

Stages of love: princess and knight

After the first romantic phase (which usually lasts about two years), why does disappointment come so often? Because, as a rule, at the beginning of a relationship, we fall in love with our own image of the other person, giving them the features we desire the most. Psychologists call it projection.

In addition, the more immature we are, the more we have problems with ourselves, the more likely we are to see the object of our feelings as a savior. For example, if a woman is thirsty for protection, she sees her partner as someone who will protect her from the world.Every girl misses the knight on the white horse, the prince who will save her. Many a boy would like to save a princess from a dragon.

These stereotypes are more strongly embedded in us, the less mature we are. That is why so many people associate love with the absolute unity of souls and bodies. Romantic love results from emotional hunger - this is the dream of a small child who wants to live in symbiosis with his mother.

In the enchantment phase, we are usually driven more by this longing than by the real view of the other person. Of course, it happens that we "hit" and our idea of ​​the object of feelings coincides with reality. However, such situations are rare. Usually after this first crazy period comes a moment of sobriety. Emotions drop and we see in the other person who he really is. The projection is withdrawn and it is confronted with reality. The fairy-tale knight is late for dinner, does not throw away the rubbish, leaves his socks under the bed. The princess is picking on, who knows what, and still pouting. Then what?

Important

Love is the best medicine

Doctors studying the physiological aspects of love have found that love is the best medicine for most diseases. A person who feels loved and is able to bestow affection on himself is more resistant to infections, the negative effects of stress, and even to diseases!

Stages of love: Ice Age

Some people say "goodbye". It's getting pretty easy these days. More and more couples are splitting up at the time of the first crisis. Psychologists say many relationships could be saved if people didn't back down so quickly. The truth is, we lack patience. Today's 30-year-olds 'life expectations are different than their parents' expectations. Today we want it to be colorful and fun, and we want life to be exciting. When problems begin, we run away and … look for another prince and princess, repeating old mistakes endlessly.

Second scenario: we stay together (for the sake of the children, for example), but do nothing to save the fading feeling. In this phase, we persistently strive to change the loved one. We undertake a desperate pursuit of our first image, and the more we put pressure on our partner, the more it slips away from us. So we blame each other. We cultivate the feeling that we have been deceived, and instead of trying to change it together, we dig ourselves into our positions.

If this condition lasts too long, the relationship freezes. Marriage enters the Ice Age. Each lives its own life. It's hard to save love at this stage, and thoughof course it's never too late, it's better to do so before the relationship goes into hibernation.

You must do it

How to take care of love?

  • Always support your partner - let him know that he can count on you;
  • Have small pleasures as often as possible;
  • Take an interest in his (her) affairs, ask and listen carefully;
  • Praise him (her) whenever there is an opportunity - even for looking nice;
  • Remember how important touch is - hug, stroke, kiss …;
  • Say nice things to each other, also in the presence of others;
  • Do something from time to time to break your daily routine;
  • At least once a year, go somewhere alone, without your children;
  • Call each other during the day - it's a nice proof of memory.

Stages of love: time for maturity

And yet the moment when we lose our delusions towards our partner does not have to be bad. On the contrary - it can also be a challenge and an impulse for development. Working on a relationship is the third scenario. To start it, you first need to ask yourself: what are my needs, what I care about the most, which expectations my beloved does not meet, what can and cannot be changed.

If something in my partner bothers me, it is also a signal for me - important information about my needs and desires. It is worth analyzing these signals carefully and trying to re-evaluate your attitude. The man we live with is our best mirror. Thanks to it, we can take a step forward in our own development. And the more mature we are, the more chances we have to establish mutual relations.

Mature love is love based on partnership and cooperation, but also on respect for mutual separateness and autonomy. The more we can take care of ourselves, the more personal power we have, the less we expect from the other person. The ideal does not exist - sooner or later you have to come to terms with it! That is why it is worth making a balance between the advantages and disadvantages of a partner - appreciate what is valuable in him and accept what cannot be changed.

Love can evolve if we put a little effort into it. Above all, however, you need to talk to each other - not only about everyday matters, but also about what we like to "hide under the rug", about our expectations, dilemmas and disappointments.

The way we communicate is important. If we address each other in a tone of resentment or reprimand, the chances of an understanding are slim, and this is often the case in unbalanced relationships (e.g. mother-son or father-daughter relationships).

Stageslove: the baby connects?

What happens to love when a baby arrives? If the relationship is failing, don't expect it to get any better. A child cannot be a way to save a failed marriage. It can, however, be a gift for those who truly love each other. For every relationship, having a baby is a trial moment. Whether the young parents survive it depends again on the maturity of both of them. Nurturing love when we have new responsibilities, when we have to be responsible and adapt our plans to the rhythm of a child's life, is not easy.

Some people pretend that nothing happened and ostentatiously do not change their habits, taking the child with them wherever they can. Others run away from responsibility (e.g. at work). However, if we really want to strengthen mutual love, it is worth considering how to reevaluate your life in this changed situation. What can I do to experience the true joy of parenting instead of frustration? Each couple has to answer this question for themselves - it's just important to really want it.

Important

Features of mature love

  • Trust and openness;
  • Leaving your partner free to move and develop;
  • Different interests of partners;
  • Maintaining other important relationships with people (not closing in your own world);
  • Mutual respect for your autonomy and independence;
  • Mutual encouraging each other to pursue their life plans and maintaining the partner's self-esteem;
  • Freedom to seek, discover and express feelings, both inside and outside the relationship;
  • Ability to talk to each other;
  • Ability to enjoy loneliness.

Stages of love: alone again

Years go by. Children grow up and fly out of the nest. Love goes through another test. This is where people confront the truth about their relationship. For twenty-odd years a large part of their lives revolved around a child, now they are alone - with themselves and with time that they must somehow fulfill. Some marriages just then break up. Others - they last, but each spouse goes his own way. Still others try to "dust" their love.

The departure of children from home should force you to reflect and think about how you want to spend the rest of your life. Then you have to ask yourself what we want to do together and what not. For example, you can go back to a common interest from before the birth of children. Will it be dancing, walking in the mountains, or making pots … it doesn't matter, as long as you rediscover the pleasure of being together.

No.we must share all the passions. You must also grant your partner the right to be independent and to pursue your own dreams. However, if two people really like each other, even after spending years together, they will enjoy each other's company and certainly will not be bored. It's not about keeping a romantic flame all your life, but about wanting to grow old together in friendship.

"M jak mama" monthly

Category:

Psychology