The magical moment when we unpack gifts under the Christmas tree is nice not only for those who got them. The one who put them there is equally satisfied when he sees the joy on the faces of the recipients. What makes giving more enjoyable than receiving?

It's not receiving gifts, but giving them that really makes them happy - this is the conclusion of numerous psychological and sociological studies. And the gift is not only material things. One can risk a statement that there are many more intangible ones. Every day we offer someone time, support, selfless help.

We are satisfied with this even when we do not know the person to whom our gift will go or we have just met him. The gift is an honorary blood donation, yielding a seat on the bus and showing the way to a lost tourist. A gift is even such a small thing as a smile and sincere compliment to a colleague from work, whom we will meet in the morning in the elevator.

Everyone remembers the joy they felt, being able to make someone happy, to do a favor, to save them from trouble. As if the pleasure or relief we gave someone, it immediately returned to us with a smile appearing on the recipient's face.

Research confirms the existence of innate altruism

Enjoying helping others is deeply embedded in human nature. A study published in PLoS One, the online journal of the Public Library of Science, described an experiment that found that children under the age of 2 were happier giving candy than the little ones who did. The thesis about the innate mechanism of pure altruism seems to be confirmed by the work of scientists under the supervision of Dr. David Rand from Yale University, who analyzed 50 cases considered to be civil heroism, such as saving someone's life in a fire or resuscitating a dying person in dangerous circumstances. The researchers found that most of the people who put their lives at risk in such situations acted instinctively when deciding whether to help them, not analyzing the chances of success or predicting the consequences. Parents act similarly when they defend their child.

This mechanism is also known in the animal world, but in humans it was overlapped by further evolutionary andsocial processes that made it easier for a group whose members closely interacted and supported each other, rather than competing.

Why is giving so enjoyable?

So much for theory. How does it translate into individual experience? Why is giving so enjoyable? What do we feel when we give something or help? Every time we do something for someone, we find out that we were effective, useful, needed. Such a situation improves our well-being and builds us, because it gives us a sense of agency, strength, and even advantage. That is why we grow in our own eyes, strengthen our self-esteem, and much more than when we accept gifts or help.

This is confirmed by the research of Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton, authors of the famous book "Happy Money: The Science of Happier Spending". They conducted a series of experiments in which they investigated how spending money for various purposes increases the level of happiness and satisfaction with life. It turned out that in all social groups the greatest satisfaction came from investing the money earned in other people. Even giving someone a dollar was effective in improving the mood of the donors.

Giving must be voluntary

However, not all giving makes you happy. When the mother says to the older son: "Give the toy to your brother, give way to him, he is younger!", You can only hear the grinding of teeth. We don't like being forced to give - we only enjoy it when it's voluntary. And also - disinterested.

Even if we subconsciously count on the fact that, for example, the person we helped will reciprocate us someday, we do not expect it when we help. Expecting reciprocity, we would get caught up in a kind of "barter" that would depreciate the value of our gift from the very beginning, making it an object of exchange, and would put the recipient in an awkward position.

How to give to make you happy?

So how to give in order to bring real joy to the recipient, and thus - yourself? How to do it so as not to embarrass the recipient? Very often, accepting a gift or help requires humility, admitting weakness or helplessness - the recipient then feels pressure to reciprocate. Therefore, let's try to do it gently.

When gifting someone, don't let it be understood that it causes us trouble, let's not talk about how much effort it took. On the contrary - with every word and gesture, let's convey the thought: "I'm glad that I can help / give you this, it really means a lot to me." When the recipient speaks of gratitude and a desire to reciprocate, say afterQuite simply, "Don't think about it, your joy is my greatest reward." This is especially important when the favor is really great - so great that it is difficult to return it. The recipient should receive a signal from us that we have given it voluntarily and with joy, that we do not expect reciprocity, that we are happy by the mere fact that we could help.

Worth knowing

Hit the point

Let's give as much as we can and as much as the recipient can accept. When the recipient sees that we have given him more than we would like, or more than he would like to receive, it makes him feel obligated and even guilty. He feels like a debtor. As strange as it sounds - too much of a gift can really weigh on the recipient when it is an obligation that is difficult to reciprocate.

Giving and taking in a relationship

Every deep, good relationship, like love and friendship, is about constant, unforced exchange of gifts. We give a gift to another person - by giving them our time and attention, supporting them in difficult times, meeting their needs - but also allowing them to be given gifts. This way we show that we need each other.

It is important, however, that there is a balance in this regard. Psychological studies show that when it is absent, both those who give more than they receive in the relationship and those who get too much feel worse. Each side is less fortunate than the people trying to stay on the golden mean. The person who only gives and receives nothing in return will in time become as tired and exhausted by the relationship as the one who only takes, giving little in return.

The former will feel used and discouraged, the latter - surrounded by their partner's kindness. As a result, the side that is still only giving can hear from a loved one, "I want nothing from you, you can give me nothing." These are very hurtful words that really mean: I don't need you. Only by constantly giving and taking, drawing from each other - can you be really close. Such closeness allows you to support, give and help without offending the recipient's pride. It also allows you to recognize your own weakness and inadequacy when we need help, feel free to ask for it and accept it.

Giving and taking is actually the basis of every relationship. Someone who refuses to accept sincerely offered help, a kind word or a gift because he is too proud for it or wants to appear strong and independent will have difficulty establishing a deeper relationship and can be very lonely. Such a person sends a message that he does not deserve anything good, and at the same time he cannot give anything to others. Because accepting the gift with joy andgratitude is also a gift - for the giver, whom giving makes happy …

Worth knowing

They live the longest …

A study started in 1921 at Stanford University in the USA suggests an interesting conclusion. Its aim was to find out what influences longevity and satisfaction with life. Scientists began following 1,528 people, from childhood to death; a group of intelligent young people living in families who did well were selected. It turned out that the most favorable factors for longer life are not avoiding stress or effort, not looking for entertainment or pleasure, but: perseverance, prudence, hard work and involvement in the life of the community. In a word - who, while prudently disposing of his strength and resources, gives a lot of himself and works for the benefit of others, has the best chance of a long and satisfying life.

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Category:

Psychology