My eight-year-old son doesn't want to do his homework. The first years of school did not cause any problems for him, he did his favorite subjects more willingly than he did other subjects, but this is probably normal. Since September, my wife and I have had a big problem with getting our son to go to school, and it often ends in arguments. He refuses to cooperate, he tries to force us to do certain tasks for him, if we refuse, he becomes hysterical. I don't have patience anymore and I don't know what to do in this situation.

Doing homework with a child at early school age is a daily task for parents, for many during the week it is the only or almost the only form of joint activity with the child. The quality of this activity is of great importance, not only for the child's school success, but also for the quality of our relationship with the child. Usually, we approach this task using the adult perspective: "do it solidly and quickly, repeat the reading several times, read a fragment of the reading and study for class work, if you have one, and if you do it, you will still have fun" - then it is dark night and time to bed, and the difficulties with homework were a problem for everyone.

For the 8-year-old (3rd grade), the school is already a place where he has adapted, he has also learned the rules regarding homework; what changes is its quantity - there is more of it; the importance of teacher assessment also changes, and it starts to matter how I perform in front of the group. School from 3-graders also requires appropriate behavior and greater involvement in matters related to learning - children are tired and bored with homogeneous activity.

How to talk to your child when they don't want to do their homework?

I don't know if you've tried to find out from your son why he doesn't want to do his homework alone and why he doesn't want to do his homework at all. It is worth talking about it in a situation where there is no tension and your relationship is good. Listen and do not criticize if you do not like the answer, do not be smart - if you are interested in honesty.

In the situation you are writing about, the parents' patience, calmness and constancy are very important. Information that lessons are an important part of everyday life, that you will support him, that you believe that he is able to complete the task on his own, that you value his independent work. Let alonehe will propose the order in which he does his homework, and what he wants to take a break. If he needs to get up and make a circle around the apartment, so be it - children need movement, change of position, a moment of rest. If he gets angry, complains - listen, cheer up, take a break.

It is worth answering the following questions: what is my goal, what do I want to achieve by doing homework with my child, is my goal realistic, does it coincide with my child's goal, does my child have the resources to achieve the goal? What results, apart from the obvious (job done), I want to achieve. Spend time together; know what my child lives at school; help him understand what he did not understand at school; train specific skills with him so that he has better results, so that he does not fall behind; I want to model reliable fulfillment of duties.

The answers to these questions can make us more aware of what we are doing and what the consequences of our actions may be. Because if I want to support my child in achieving better results, I do not punish him to rewrite his work for the third time, so that he hates the content he rewrites or the object that he does with us every day and which takes him a little time to play .

How to help your child start with their homework?

If I want to help my child understand what he or she did not understand at school - I have to be ready for the fact that if he does not understand with me, it will have to be put off, waiting for a better time - for the possibility of using an example that is not available immediately - because repeating the same 1000 times will not bring a certain result, and may effectively prevent the child from admitting that he or she does not understand …

I also often hear my children complaining that they have to sleep with their father or mother for up to 2 hours until he solves the problem and this discourages them from working together. Sometimes it's worth putting down and saying: "You know, I'll try to find a good example or a way to understand this and then we'll do it, or maybe until then something will come to your mind - let's think together." Sometimes it is worth giving a part of the lesson to a partner, native member, tutor who has more patience, energy to act and more distance. When we lose hope for change, we feel helpless and joint lessons are "torture", an individual meeting of a parent with a psychologist, educator who will listen and suggest how to motivate the child or other solutions can be helpful. Patience, peace and readiness that the child has the right not to know how and to make mistakes, that he may not feel like it and that the effect will not come immediately, are key here.

Remember that our answerexpert is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.

Dominika Ambroziewicz-Wnuk

Psychologist, personal development trainer.

For 20 years she has been working with teenagers, young adults and their carers. Supports people who experience school and relational difficulties, adolescence disorders and teenage parents www.centrum-busola.pl

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Psychology