From the beginning of the 4th grade of elementary school to the middle of the 1st grade of middle school, I was hated by my entire class. Mocked about what clothes I had, what I said, what I did, and sometimes for no reason, probably for fun. I didn't want to go to school. When I walked in, I was already thinking about getting out of there, because I knew it was about to start. I had no peace at home either. Several times a day on the social networking site I received messages such as "You are nobody … in general, all of them and everything is better than you", "I feel sorry for your mother that she gave birth to you, she probably regrets now …". From the second year of middle school, everything started to fall into place. In third grade, I started to starve myself, I hated my body, I couldn't look at myself. I'm almost out of hunger strike, I'm in the 1st grade of high school, but sometimes it comes back. Also in the 3rd grade, I started to cut myself. I started to be controlled, I used to talk to the school teacher who I love, and I still go to her. It was better, but now it's back again. Starvation, cut, suicidal thoughts appeared, I have the impression that I am unnecessary, everyone is fed up with me, everyone talks behind their backs, they just wait for me to disappear from this world forever and it would be a good idea, just give them a break, leave forever. I don't have the strength to fight these thoughts anymore, I can't cope anymore, I keep pretending that it's great. Yesterday I had a big cut on my wrist, I was huddled against the wall and I couldn't stand it. I want to go to my junior high school teacher in a week and tell her all this. I like to talk to her very much, but I'm afraid that my mother will find out everything as it used to be (she only found out about fasting). I went to a psychologist, but I quit because I didn't like him and it didn't help me. However, if I had gone to the school counselor, I wouldn't have been able to tell her that. I know this because I was already a few days ago and chickened out. Please help. What should I do with all of this?
From what you wrote, I understood that you experienced psychological abuse by your peers a few years ago. Junior high school is the beginning of puberty, many people in this period have behavioral disorders and it is sometimes said that junior high school is a "jungle" for a reason. During this time, people start to differ, they are critical, intolerant, and even cruel. They change their appearance, preferences and waysbehavior, have their own moral code, which may deviate from the adopted standards. I think you experienced such a situation then. It has been a very difficult year for you, and the stress you have experienced must have been far greater than your ability to deal with it. Such a situation is objectively very difficult, also for an adult, it often exceeds our ability to survive, and is especially difficult for a sensitive 13-year-old girl.
I admire you for dealing with it then, and I wonder what helped you survive all these hardships back then and how you can use it again now. What happened was so intense that it probably influences how you feel right now, how you think about yourself and what is happening to you. The symptoms you write about - because these are probably symptoms of excessive stress in the past - are now also so intense because you are still maturing, and this is the time when we are very sensitive to what is around us, what is happening to us , and everything we experience is more intense than in adulthood. This should all mute, be easier in the future.
You ask me: what to do? You have already taken the first step by going to a proven and friendly educator, and be sure to continue it. I am sure that sharing what you are experiencing will bring results. It is important now to involve us adults in helping you. At this point, I would like to emphasize once again that this is a very good, mature and wise step. You don't write much about your parents, it is worth involving them so that they can be your allies in coping with life's problems and help you find the right specialist help. We adults are now responsible for providing adequate help. If the psychologist you worked with did not suit you, it is worth looking for another psychologist or psychiatrist (specialist in children and adolescents). Remember that you have to give him a chance and a little time, the effects require at least a few meetings. Your letter shows that you are a bright, insightful, mature person, aware of what you are going through, share it and take advantage of specialist help and support from friendly people around you. I know that there will be worse and better days, and changes will not come easily or quickly, but I believe that your commitment to help yourself and the involvement of others will pay off.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Dominika Ambroziewicz-WnukPsychologist, personal development trainer.
For 20 years she has been working with teenagers, young adults and their carers. Supports people whoexperience school and relational difficulties, adolescence disorders and teenage parents www.centrum-busola.pl
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