Talking about death with a child is an extremely difficult task and many parents try to avoid it. However, death is an inevitable part of life, so it is worth making the youngest aware of it. So how do you explain to them that each of us will die one day?
Mourning is a particularly difficult and stressful state because it involves the loss of a loved one. It is also a difficult topic to talk about, but it cannot be avoided. But should a child really know what death is? Will this knowledge not increase his trauma in the face of the death of someone important?
This issue was raised by the psychologist Maciej Frasunkiewicz from the SWPS University. He pointed out that parents are increasingly underestimating the subject of death, trying to pretend that it does not apply to us, at least now. Such behavior leads to the fact that we displace its reality.
Most often, parents do not raise the topic of death in conversations with their children, because they want to protect them from difficult emotions and anxiety related to the loss of loved ones. According to the psychologist, however, the real difficulty may reach the caregivers when they have to talk to the child about the death of someone important in his life, who was not ready to leave. This can significantly hinder the propermourning, which consists of 4 phases :
- shock and dullness,
- longing and regret,
- disorganization and despair,
- reorganization.
Only after going through these stages of mourning can you enter the stage of finding yourself in the situation and try to accept it. As emphasized by the psychologist Maciej Frasunkiewicz, to go through all these phases of mourning, you need to be equipped withappropriate internal tools for this purpose . A child who does not understand the problem of passing will have a difficult path in mourning. This means that he will get stuck in one of the phases for a longer time and in such a situation the help of a psychologist may be necessary.
How to explain to a child what death is?
Psychologist Maciej Frasunkiewicz said that when trying to explain why loved ones leave when talking to a child, it is worth remembering aboutfour aspects of death(quoted by Agnieszka Naumiuk):
- intellectual aspect- an attempt to explain what the phenomenon of death is in a rational way,to reconcile with it;
- emotional aspect- associated with understanding the emotions and needs that accompany dying and death;
- behavioral aspect- it concerns the knowledge and understanding of social and individual behavior in the case of dying, death and mourning.
- the pragmatic aspect- concerns economic and organizational issues related to dying and death.
How to help a child after losing an important person?
According to psychologist Maciej Frasunkiewicz, the best solution isnot to hide the fact of mortality from children . It is impossible to choose the moment when a child first comes into contact with death, so it would be wise to pass on this knowledge to them the moment they begin to communicate freely with us.
In a situation where the child's beloved pet has passed away, it is not worth saying words like "Your hamster has fallen asleep". Why? For a simple reason - the child may feel fear of going to sleep later (because the hamster fell asleep and did not wake up again). It will be easiest for the youngestto understand the phenomenon of death on the basis of vital functionsthat cease (breathing, eating, moving).
The psychologist urges parents to dare and explain to their children at the first opportunity what the loss of loved ones is about. Thanks to this, children will be better prepared for the moment when someone really important to them dies.
As far as possible, it is good for the child to have a weak or no emotional connection with the first subject of death he comes into contact with - it should be easier for him to accept it. First you live, then you die. And when you die, you won't come back to life - and this should help your child understand why their loved ones leave.