Do you feel sorry for your parents? DAD was too strict, MOM didn't know how to love me. They cut my wings - we often blame our parents for our failures. Do we rightly believe that since we had a bad childhood, we can already write off our entire lives?

"Because of my father I have problems with men, because of my mother I don't believe in myself, and both parents raised me badly and now I can't cope with my own son" - say those who feelresentment towards my parents . - This is a natural tendency - explains the psychologist Anna Dzierżawska. - People place the sense of responsibility for failures outside of themselves, and for successes in their own “I.” Parents stay with us for years, they have their share in building our identity and thus they become the "on duty" guilty of our failures in adulthood. But they are not actually responsible for them. Psychoanalysts believe that there are indeed elements of childhood in human development that lay the foundation for our entire adult life. But these factors guide us, It means that childhood does not shape us forever, and we as adults can always change our lives.

Important

I have a grudge against my parents about …

Comments Anna Dzierżawska, psychologist.

1. MONIKA (32): "Because of my father, I can't find a husband for myself." RADA: Perhaps your father and mother did not show you how to build a satisfying and fulfilling relationship between a man and a woman. Luckily, you can learn it from others, maybe from Grandpa and Grandma or your aunt and uncle? Sometimes you can be inspired by the parents of colleagues. 2. BOŻENA (45): “My parents always said that I am a failure. Because of them, I still don't believe in myself. ”ADVICE: I don't know parents who deliberately hurt their children. Sometimes the solution is to think that they gave us as much as they could at the moment. Take a look at the relationship between your parents and their parents. Anything missing from them? Probably so. We learn from our parents how to fulfill this role. It happens that we lack positive role models. Then, if we can, it is good to look for them elsewhere. 3. MARTA (39): “My mother raised me badly. I won't repeat her mistakes for anything! ”TIP: Be careful! The more you want to dismiss your parents' patterns that you find unacceptable, the more likely you are to act as you dothem. 4. HALINA (47): “Since I had a bad childhood, this will be my whole life.” ADVICE: If you persist, you have a good chance of fulfilling this prophecy. Blaming our parents for all our failure in life is like condemning ourselves to suffering forever. Anger and a sense of injustice keep us in the past and give us no chance to go our own way. And in my own way.

Resentment to Parents: True Cause - Blocking

We actually blame our parents for the blockade placed on us during adolescence, says Martin Shepard, an American psychotherapist. This blockage holds us back in our relationship with our parents as a child or adolescent. People who are blocked in the child's phase feel in their contacts with their parents as if they were 5 years old, are excessively submissive and dependent towards them (parents hold their hand, satisfy all their whims), while those in the teenage phase behave in a rebellious and conflict-inducing manner. If we are stuck, we not only willingly blame our parents. We also blame others, we do not take responsibility for our own decisions. We feel like we are dependent on our parents. We don't have the best image of ourselves, we don't recognize ourselves as equal to others.

You can easily see if the problem is yours. Consider if you feel the slightest embarrassment towards your parents, e.g. you don't want them to meet your friends. Often the cause of embarrassment is the feeling that you are still an extension of your mother or father, afraid that if your parents do something embarrassing, people will laugh at you and not at them. Another sign of dependence is the constant, daily phone calls to my parents, constantly striving for their approval or saying: "Nobody is as good to me as my mother (father)."

Important

To keep the baby from looking for hooks

Despite our best intentions, if the child wants, he will find a hook on us, which is proof that we have applied a hand to his failures. If we follow his wishes, he may say, "They bought me things instead of showing love," and if we are tolerant and give him a lot of freedom, he may say years later, "My parents were not interested in what I was doing and what I felt." All we can do is help the babies grow up. Let us not open the protective umbrella every time, but let the child feel the consequences of his behavior. Our child must do the same homework we do - he must realize that he is no longer part of his parents and that they are not responsible for his actions.

It will never be perfect and that's ok

Change inyour relationship does not mean that you will stop arguing at all. About money, the way we raise our children, the frequency of meetings - this is what we most often argue with as adults. And we will never stop - these are he althy arguments. Research shows that parents most often initiate this type of conflict. They do so because when they observe their adult children and their way of life that they do not accept, they take it as evidence that they have failed as parents. In such situations, you should try to understand them. It will be easier for us when we try to see the hidden child in the parents. It is not difficult, after all, adults are just children with aging skin.

Important

Do you feel sorry for your parents? These exercises can help

If we unblock ourselves from the child or adolescent phase and move to the adult phase, we will stop blaming our parents and end our demanding attitude. For this to happen, you and your parents need to recognize that you have common goals in life, that your parents must treat you not only as a child but as an adult. You care very much about your parents' acceptance, and they criticize you instead of supporting you. Imagine walking past a mental hospital and seeing your parent shouting the same things out of the window as in the house. Would you care about it too? Probably not. Recall this picture whenever your parent steps on your print. In time, you will stop being nervous 2. If you are dependent on your parents, or if you regularly call or visit them, then go without them for a month. Tell them you want to see what your life would be like without such contacts. 3. Place two chairs opposite each other. Imagine your parent is sitting on one of them. Tell him about all the bad things you've been hiding from him. Be as honest as possible. Then become your parent and answer yourself. Continue the conversation and see if you can understand each other better as the adults. After such an exercise, have a similar conversation in your life.

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Category:

Psychology