There are over 13 million people living in single-person households in Poland. Some have chosen loneliness consciously, others have divorced, and still others are lonely after their partner's death. The older they get, the more lonely they feel. But does it have to be like that? We talk to Katarzyna Miller, a psychotherapist, about mature loneliness.
To be alone or to be lonely? This is a huge difference. People who choose to live alone enjoy freedom, cultivate their quirks, have many acquaintances. It is different with those who are not of their own free will. They more often refer to themselves as "I am lonely". How to cope in life without the other half, can you find joy in solitude?
What is the single over 50?
● KATARZYNA MILLER: I know very cheerful, satisfied lonely people in their 50s. But they are also less cool. And they are also, of course, unhappy. The average single at this age is, in my opinion, a bit bitter, a bit envious, a bit too withdrawn, because … it doesn't fit. And yet it is about being yourself. Enjoy what I like, what I can, what I know, whether others like it or not. But that does not mean to spite others. It's about following your inner compass. Also, find out where the compass leads others, because it may be an interesting way and it is worth joining. It is extremely important not to forget about yourself, as many women do, who devote themselves entirely to children, and then to grandchildren and no self at all. The older I am, the more embedded in life, the more I have the right to be myself and pursue my own dreams.
We often say: "If old age could, and youth knew" …
● K.M .: That would be terrible. At all ages, we have different tasks to fulfill, and we also have different opportunities. We lose something to gain something else. You have to take advantage of it and enjoy it. How can we be happy as the years grow by? For example, because we understand ourselves, other people and the world better and better, we know what we want and what not, what gives us pleasure, etc. But we use this knowledge and experience too little. Over the years, we grow bitter and repeat: "God has not succeeded in old age". And old age, rather mature age, should not be boring or unpleasant, but should be the fullness of an increasingly wiser life. Much depends onour attitude. Let us restore the great, due value of maturity and old age.
Worth knowingKatarzyna Milleris a psychotherapist, psychologist, philosopher, publicist and poet. For over 30 years, she has been conducting individual, marital and group therapy. She is also the author and co-author of many very popular books, incl. "I want to be loved as I want", "To be a woman and not to go crazy", "Fairy tales undressed", "Don't be afraid of life", "The queens of life", "Like a dog with a cat", She also wrote three volumes of poems - "Stółek", "Pain is silk" and "Fountain of love". Permanently associated with the Zwierciadło monthly. Guests often on the radio and TV.
What features are dominant among single men and among women?
● K.M .: Men are often hypochondriacs. They play with each other very much, they are extremely concerned with everything that happens to them in their lives. I like men very much, but they are getting more and more narcissistic. Besides, they are smarts who know everything better. Not in a moral sense, but knowing what should be done to make the world well, how the world should be arranged. They like to talk about things that are not happening here and now. They don't listen to what is said. Moreover, older gentlemen do not like to be alone. When a partner leaves for one reason or another, they look for another, because they can't cope on their own. Single women are specific, they do well in life. They are well-kept, attractive, have well-kept apartments, full of flowers, photos, nice things. A man's apartment usually has a couch, a TV and a mess.
Many single people live on the margins of family and companionship. Nobody cares about their opinion, does not take into account their needs. What to suggest to those involved in such dependencies?
● K.M .: You drew a terrible picture. Unfortunately, sometimes people who have partners, husbands or wives do the same. It depends on the personality. If you have any interests, there is something we like to do, we want to read, watch, discuss, there is no reason not to do it. Nobody will take advantage of someone who will not allow it. This is our permission for others to think of us as a het-loop, that is, a man of insignificance. This attitude is not at all related to being single. People sense our weaknesses, a lack of self-respect. Our attitude tells them that we are not confident that we can be used. The person who apologizes for being alive will be used by everyone. And she will apologize for not trying enough. But there is one more aspect to the whole thing. You are right, Mrs. Anna, when you speak of the plight of many women who live on the margins, not only of the family, but of society in general. The hardest iswomen who have worked at home all their lives have no income of their own, except for their starvation pension, and have been left alone. It would even be a mockery to suggest a smile and fullness of personality. Such people simply need real state aid, which they do not receive. So my advice is for those who have a place to live, what to eat, and who are not affected by social exclusion.
Are there any differences between lonely people by choice and those who are lonely because that's how their fate turned out?
● K.M .: Of course. People are divided into those who whine in life and those who do not. Singles by choice know why they are alone. Very often, such a choice is dictated by the fact that they do not want to be with people who for some reason do not suit them. They value and like each other's company. Also, some people choose to be alone because they can afford it. They do not need financial support, they do not have to look for someone to contribute to the rent. Singles necessarily complain more about their fate, often feel unhappy, have the belief that life has treated them badly because they have lost a partner or have not met anyone they would like to be with or who would like to be with them. "Bad luck" - I often hear from such people. And fate must be treated as someone who likes us. Say to yourself, "Thank you, I'm in a great position." Why so? Because as long as we live, anything can happen. If we really care about having someone close, we shouldn't look too much about it, because it can scare the candidate or candidate. If we think well about ourselves and others, we are nice and kind, then a partner will also be found.
It used to be thought that a woman should not go to a restaurant or theater alone. How has the social perception of lonely people changed?
● K.M .: It is enough to enter a restaurant to see how much has changed in this respect. This is no longer a problem. Women go to cafes and restaurants alone and in company, and no one is surprised. More and more often they leave by themselves.
But it also happens that women over 50, especially the attractive ones, are reluctantly invited to society because they are a potential threat to women in relationships.
● K.M .: In my opinion, it is also a stereotype. There are environments which are unpleasant, envious and unfriendly to each other, whether we are in pairs or singles. It all depends on the level, class of people. I know many single people who have friends of different ages, single people, in stable relationships, marriages and no one is bothered by the marital status of each person. This is because these people do not meet for "hunting", but because they like to be with each other, talk, discuss, they have common issues. Herethe advice is simple. If for some reason the company does not accept you, look for another. Our fate depends on our choices. Of course, you can also sit at home and complain that people are unpleasant.
The fact that there are more and more singles make great use of travel agencies. Are people using offers for singles looking for a couple, or rather people who think similarly?
● K.M .: If we are looking for a couple, it is best to find a person who thinks alike. If we go somewhere, let's enjoy what is here and now. Whether there will be further meetings after a nice trip together is a completely different matter. Someone who's cool on the sand can be unattractive on the sidewalk. This must be remembered. It is important, and many of us do not know how to enjoy the moment, draw from it. If we feel good in someone else's company at a given moment, we will endeavor to make that moment repeat itself. You have to interact with people, contact them, and perhaps the relationship will not end with drinking coffee together.
Everyone needs tenderness, hugs, sex. Many women don't have it. They feel unhappy. What can you tell them to change their lives?
● K.M .: First of all, smiling, not walking around with your mouth in a horseshoe, casting hostile glances to the sides, that the younger one and the other prettier. It doesn't get anywhere. Get out to the people! Go for a walk in the park, talk to someone, listen to what he says. I guarantee that there will be friends, and maybe also friends. In order to find a soul mate, it is worth a little effort, being open, interested in others. You don't have to force search for love or friendship, you don't find it that way. You have to ask yourself if just being single is the cause of my misfortune. If you feel good about yourself, you know how to be with yourself, it is invaluable, because you have time for reflection and for the activities you like. There must be no limits to the fact that at this age this or that age is no longer possible. I started composing songs and singing them in my late fifties. And I wrote erotic stories in my sixties. If we have desires, let us trust them to come true! Let's just fulfill them! After fifty, you can fall in love, get married, start painting, practice tai chi, you can pursue a lot of passion, but you have to live, breathe fully, do not care what (only we think) people will say, because this is our life , our fate. In my opinion, life just begins at the age of 50.
This will be useful to youSingles are not only widows and widowers
There are about 2.5 million singles over 50 in Poland. The largest group (1.2 million) are widowers or widows. From a study by Pentorshows that 34 percent. Poles believe that singles live worse than people in relationships, because, inter alia, they have more work, live under pressure from family and friends, have limited access to credit, are excluded from social life (but 13% are of the opposite opinion). Meanwhile, as much as 69 percent. singles say they are very happy. On the other hand - nearly 1/4 of singles admit that they are unhappy. Regardless of their age, singles complain about the lack of company (47%) and finances.
monthly "Zdrowie"