I've always been shy. Over time, I was getting bolder because people started telling me only positive opinions, which gave me confidence in myself. Unfortunately, I have 4 serious relationships behind me that broke up, because each of these men as a result chose not me, but, for example, a trip abroad or the company of new friends. After each breakup, my self-confidence diminished, and after the last one, I feel like nobody. In these relationships, I devoted myself completely to giving myself up, I tried to do my best and for them and for the sake of the relationship, I was ready to do anything. In the last relationship, when his minor problems began (e.g. being late or joking when talking about serious topics), I asked him to pay attention to it and to try to correct mistakes in his behavior. The delay was eliminated, and as for jokes, he went from the extreme to the extreme - he stopped joking at all, which made our conversations artificial, schematic and boring. We took time to think about how to fix it, and he surprised me by telling me it didn't make sense, that he couldn't be what I wanted him to be and that it was over. He also added that he had no objection to my behavior, but that it was he who lost to himself. It hurt the most when he said that the atmosphere in the last weeks of the relationship made his feelings for me fade away. At the beginning of the relationship, men are fascinated by me, and oddly enough, when the relationship becomes more and more serious, they leave me. I cease to believe that someday I will meet a man who will suit me and who will want to be with me. I am afraid of being cheated and that someone will hurt me again and take part of myself from me, and I have little left of that. I cannot find myself in such a reality, I am not happy about anything, and faith in myself and the fact that I am worthy of the love of another person can be forgotten. What should I do?
I can't help feeling that you weren't necessarily the person in these relationships who was "robbed". after all, they were somehow wrong. Perhaps you tried too hard to make them look like you imagined them, and enjoyed the relationships and the possibility of being together too little. Maybe you kept them bigger and biggerdemands while feeling hurt and used. Nobody likes being in a relationship with someone who doesn't accept them as they are and clings to whatever they can. Men are very sensitive to situations when a woman constantly underestimates them, criticizes them and does not feel good, safe and happy with them. Then they run away from such a relationship - because why keep trying, if the woman is dissatisfied anyway. You may not be doing it consciously, but it's important that they perceive it that way. Besides, in the long run, good guys don't like being with the women for whom they are the whole world and who "devote everything to them". Then it actually looks as if all of your satisfaction depends entirely on them, and that is too burdensome. Not to mention the fact that it is terribly boring and boring. And for you, each of their shortcomings rises to the rank of a galactic problem. Also, do not be deceived that someday you will find the "perfect" partner. Let him be good enough and one whose faults you are able to accept and live with them in love. Real love - not idealized. Then the sense of harm will also disappear. Because you too will have the impression that someone loves you as you are and not different. Then any change will be based on your will, and not out of necessity.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Tatiana Ostaszewska-MosakHe is a clinical he alth psychologist.
Graduated from the Faculty of Psychology at the University of Warsaw.
She has always been particularly interested in the issue of stress and its impact on human functioning.
She uses her knowledge and experience at psycholog.com.pl and at the Fertimedica Fertility Center.
She completed a course in integrative medicine with the world-famous professor Emma Gonikman.
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