I have a pretty serious problem with my boyfriend. We have been together for over 3 years, we love each other, we are well together, but … Apart from all the advantages my boyfriend has, he has one serious disadvantage - he is lying. It happened that he lied to me several times in quite important matters (I will add that it was never about the other one), I had to get sick of all these lies, but sooner or later I forgave, hoping it would be the last time. I thought he would understand eventually, but no. For example, recently he said that he studied all day, and he was with his sister at the cinema. And in the same movie, he was with me the day before. It turned out that he made an appointment with his sister that we would all go together, I did not know about it, I suggested to go to the cinema the day before … He explains that it is not a lie, he did not tell me anything because "he knew that I would get angry" . The fact is, I was angry, but only because he lied to me again. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to lose him, but I can't let him treat me like that. The weird thing is that he lies about such trivial things, I don't understand it at all. Is there such a thing as an addiction to lying? Can he be cured of it? And does my translation help something or rather send him to an interview with a psychologist?
There is a huge problem with lying. Many young people learn that this is the best way out of difficult situations. When you are a dozen, there is actually not much harm you can do with such a lie, but there are already specialists in messing up other colleagues' lives. Such a person learns that temporary peace is better than long-term consequences. When he starts to grow up, lying like this may become his lifestyle, because he does not know another. Of course, above all, this is evidence of its immaturity. If he lied so that you would not get angry, it meant that he had settled for a momentary calmness in this way, and that was enough as a motive for this otherwise evil practice. The fact that you do not like them to lie, "hangs" a bit, to apologize, since he has such trivial reasons for doing so. Everything is fine for him and you are unnecessarily nervous - after all, nothing happened. Such a little lie may not be worth your nerves, but you write yourself that he has deceived you in more important matters. Unfortunately, if this practice is not stopped, it will continue to worsen andsoon you won't know anything for sure. A visit to a psychologist is advisable, but only if he himself finds that he has a problem, because he cannot stop deceiving others. If he doesn't get it, he'll go for the peace of mind and say it's okay, and you're pissed off. In such a case, he would have to be persuaded to make a joint visit regarding the lack of trust. The goal should be a disintegrating relationship as you are losing confidence in it. Maybe it will move him. But really, how hard do you react to his lies? Because if you just talk to yourself and then it's okay, then he doesn't have any motivation, no scare you need to change. Or you can apply a tailor's tape measure, which is good for anything. You hang it in a visible place in your apartment and warn you that for every, even the smallest, lie you will cut off one centimeter. If you go to zero, you will walk away and will never see you again. And you have to do it. You don't have to start with 150, but you can start with 50, which is really a lot. Just a note! If you get to zero, you have to leave - because that will mean that he is not worthy of your affection and commitment.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Tatiana Ostaszewska-MosakHe is a clinical he alth psychologist.
Graduated from the Faculty of Psychology at the University of Warsaw.
She has always been particularly interested in the issue of stress and its impact on human functioning.
She uses her knowledge and experience at psycholog.com.pl and at the Fertimedica Fertility Center.
She completed a course in integrative medicine with the world-famous professor Emma Gonikman.
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