Hello. I am writing to you asking for help. I'm 20 years old. I am a patalald. The last garbage. I can't do anything. I don't mean education. I mean such trivial matters as buying clothes. To this day, my mother buys my clothes for me. I am ashamed to go to the store to buy clothes. I am ashamed to try on shoes in any store or bazaar. I am dependent. I don't work and live with my parents. I wanted to go to the army and learn independence, but I gave up on this idea. Such patalach as I am in the army ?! Shame and disgrace … Who would accept me into the army? I thought that if they put me in the "deep water" I would learn to live and everything would be alright. I tried to exercise physically to do my best on the qualifying tests. Every lower result, every "little defeat" I experienced badly. I punished myself for these failures. The pen alties were different. No listening to music, beating your head or banging your head on the desk. Failures are failures such as the destruction of the shirt by unskillful ironing, or a lower result of the morning run or a lower number of push-ups performed. I used to have trouble falling asleep. I decided to start sleeping early. Failed to. I went to bed early and couldn't sleep. I lay until 2-3 am and fidgeted. It wasn't until late at night that I fell asleep. It was also such a failure. I couldn't sleep. My fault! Discouragement came and I didn't try again. Over time, thoughts of suicide appeared. I have no right to live with a maniac like me! There are so many valuable people in the world. What do they need me for? I'm not good for any job. I can't talk to people. All I can do is sweep the street. I have two left hands for everything. I would like to build a house, get married and have children. I love a girl but she doesn't love me back. I want to love and be loved. I only know this girl from the Internet. I've known her for a year. She knows I love her. I can't imagine my life without her. She's so good… I crave her with all my heart. It was she who persuaded me to write to you. I personally don't care about my he alth. In fact, I would like to die in the street, battered and kicked in the gutter … When I choose cosmetics, cream, perfumes in a store, I feel ashamed. I can feel other people's eyes on me and I want to run away from the store. I hate offices. I have to take the important onespapers for the employment office. I've been carrying them for a month. Why, maybe they will put me in prison for this and they will abuse me and kill me there? I live in a small town and avoid contact with people. I try not to leave the house. When something goes wrong with me, I get furious. I swear and throw whatever is at hand. Recently I destroyed the iron because I couldn't iron my shirt. Everything I do has to be done right, otherwise I'm getting aggressive. Could this aggression spread from objects to people over time? My father has always told me that I have two left hands for everything and that I can't do anything right. He clings to everything. I can't please him in any way. I always find mistakes in what I do. Back in the day, when I was little, he would ask me about the multiplication table. He was often drunk at the same time. I was afraid. He was hitting me. He kept asking me questions until, stressed out, I "stumbled" at some activity. The old tape recorder cable fit the butt well. This fear has remained to this day, even though I can stand up to my father. My father is not holy. He is the "lord and ruler" of the whole house. At least it used to be like that when I was little. Now he seems to be a bit scared of me after all. Eventually I grew up a little and he grew old. My father humiliates me in front of his friends by listing my flaws, never mentioning my merits. I think he makes me think of myself as the worst garbage. I feel like my life is unreal. I don't hang out with my friends. I prefer to sit at home and play those stupid computer games. My life is one big mistake, but I do not have the courage to go to a psychologist or confess my sins. I hide my problems from everyone because I am ashamed of them. I'm ashamed of myself. My parents are not taking me seriously. They treat me like a 14 year old. They don't talk to me like an adult. My mother makes me aware that I am a "bastard". Sometimes I feel like hitting her, but I won't, at least not now that I can still contain my aggression against people. I do not even inhibit aggression against objects. It helps to relieve my stress. Help me to become a normal, valuable person.
I wonder where the term "patałach" came from. Who did you learn it from, who do you repeat it after, and what does it actually mean to you? I have the impression that you consider yourself very important. You take any of your failures very seriously. Perhaps it could be approached with a little less seriousness. You wonder if your aggression can spread to people, but what you write shows that you are aggressive towards yourself, you brutally punish yourself for trifles. Aggression is already directed against man.Check that you are not imitating your father in your relationship to yourself. Maybe you don't have to be that much like him, maybe you don't have to be so indiscriminate in believing all his views on you. I advise you to seek the courage in yourself to go to a psychologist. In the end, you won't learn anything worse about yourself than what you already think.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Józef SawickiA specialist in individual therapies with many years of psychotherapeutic experience. In clinical work, she deals with psychotic patients. He is interested in the philosophy of the East. More at www.firma-jaz.pl.
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