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I have been separated from my husband for over half a year, a divorce case is pending. I have two children with him. We live separately. The children are looked after by her husband on the weekends and during the week I take care of them. A conflict situation arose when my ex-husband started visiting my grandparents once or twice a week on the pretext that the children missed their grandparents. Each time a jackdaw, often a warm dinner for the ex-husband on the grandparents' table. Let me remind you that I visit my grandparents with their children once a week. Grandparents "like" their husband so much that they even call him and invite him - each time under the pretext of providing some information about the children. I am in delivery and receiving contacts with my ex-husband and I have often expressed my opinion about their relationship, i.e. that the relationship with him is too close in my opinion. Recently, grandparents invited their ex-husband to family celebrations (grandfather's 70th birthday). This is a very uncomfortable situation for me, because each long meeting with my husband causes a conflict. By not going to this ceremony, I will offend my grandparents. At the same time, I cannot imagine close meetings with my ex-husband, much less in the family circle. How can I resolve this conflict.
Conflict matters, especially between spouses, are never easy, especially when it comes to divorce. It is important for you to remember that in order to resolve a conflict, both parties are needed and they must be ready for a possible compromise. It is known that some time, negative emotions, grievances and regrets must pass in order to be able to talk calmly.
From your letter it follows that the matters between you and your husband are very fresh and some wounds have not healed yet and that is why the conversations between you end up with arguments and constant grievances. You have no influence on the fact that your grandparents like and accept your husband, you will not change this situation, because you cannot influence other people's feelings. The fact that you feel aversion to your husband does not mean that your grandparents will feel the same way. You have a right to have negative feelings towards your husband, but you cannot expect everyone to feel like you.
However, I understand that it is difficult for you in this situation. All you can do is talk to your grandparents thatit is difficult for you when you have to confront your husband during visits to them, at the same time you can ask them to arrange other dates for your ex-husband until you are in a proper relationship with him.
However, please bear in mind that grandparents do not have to comply with this, because they decide who and where they want to invite. I think that a conversation with your husband about your frequent meetings will not be a constructive conversation at the moment, because you are too angry about the situation. However, when you feel up to your strength and a little bit of feelings have subsided, you can talk to him about it, for example that you do not feel comfortable during meetings with your grandparents and ask him to respect your decision to limit your meetings to time until the situation between you calms down and stabilizes.
Please remember that the most important thing is a calm and matter-of-fact conversation, without looking for the guilty person, without raising the tone of the voice and without imposing conditions in the form of emotional blackmail. You should bear in mind the well-being of your children and the fact that they should have contact with both their grandparents and your husband.
Remember that our expert's answer is informative and will not replace a visit to the doctor.
Ewa GuzowskaEwa Guzowska - educator, addiction therapist, lecturer at GWSH in Gdańsk. A graduate of the Pedagogical Academy in Krakow (social and care pedagogy) and postgraduate studies in therapy and diagnosis of children and adolescents with developmental disorders. She worked as a school educator and addiction therapist in a drug addiction center. He conducts numerous trainings in the field of interpersonal communication.
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