4 years ago, Halina Szmeterling, Natalia Kukulska's beloved grandmother, passed away. Experiences - difficult and beautiful, which she gained during her grandmother's illness, prompted the artist to engage in the Nutricia Foundation campaign, aimed at caregivers of the sick and the elderly. Today Natalia Kukulska tells us about those days and about the problems she had to deal with while caring for her elderly and sick grandmother.
Caring for a sick and elderly person requires a lot of strength, not only physical. You know it perfectly well, because for some time you took care of your sick grandmother …
Natalia Kukulska:Yes, in September 4 years have passed since my grandmother's death. Her illness lasted quite a long time and proceeded in stages - at different times it engaged me in different ways. First, I was gradually learning and preparing myself for the role of a guardian, then I got used to the inevitable, that is, my grandmother's departure. Everything fell on me quite suddenly, because before that she was the person who looked after me.
Grandma raised you. Was she also present in your life afterwards?
NK:All the time. When I started my adult life, I got married, when my eldest son Jasio was born, my grandmother was still so fit that she relieved me of various matters related to running the house. She cooked, supervised, said what needed to be bought - she just took care of the house and helped us.
It was natural for me to live with her, because it was always like this: I spent my childhood with her. While my mother was still alive, my grandmother moved in with us because my parents toured a lot. And after she died, she just stayed with us.
On the one hand, I find it beautiful that she sacrificed her life for me - I know she was driven by love. But on the other hand, I have a feeling that it was not good, that she gave up on herself completely, on her life for someone else, even if it was about me, her granddaughter.
Were you very close?
NK:Yes, and this bond made me feel cared for by her, but at the same time it was sometimes difficult. Even when I was an adult, she could tell me what time to come home. And this was partly due tothat she didn't really have a life of her own. It is not entirely good when a person gives himself completely to someone else and does not leave space for himself to pursue his own passions.
When your grandma fell ill, did you have the feeling that you now have to repay her for all this?
NK:I never thought of it as "something for something". When someone gives you love, you give it back later. As much feeling as you put in, you get it back. At one point, when my grandmother was getting old, it was natural to me that I would be the person to help her.
And I became the babysitter who went to the doctors with her, wondered which specialist to go to, etc. Then there were very difficult moments, which I also went through with my dad before, when it was necessary to decide on surgery , take a risk … I felt that it was too much for me, that I was "eaten" by my role as a guardian.
You were alone in this, did you have support - your husband, relatives, maybe a therapist?
NK: Yes, my husband helped me in some matters and he was close, but I had neither a psychologist nor a therapist, because I had a lot of work. It was the most difficult for me. There is no such thing as a lack of commitment in my profession. Everything I experience affects my work and my breath. It's hard to sing then.
I experienced my grandmother's illness very much. This was also the case when my dad had heart surgery, then abdominal aortic aneurysm surgery, which could not be done in Poland, so we did it in Nuremberg. Exactly: I say "we did", because when a person looks after someone close, it is as if he was sick himself. Apparently only this one person has symptoms, in fact the whole family is ill.
I remember when my dad was ill, I endured his condition so badly that I started to have he alth problems myself. I was having panic attacks, I was starting to lose my voice. It was only from a doctor that I found out that these were psychosomatic symptoms associated with excess stress and fear for my dad. After his death, my problems began to subside, which for me was a clear sign that they were the result of that situation.
How long was your grandmother sick and was it only for your help?
NK:These were the last three years of her life. She was already in a serious age - she died at the age of 92, but her illnesses combined with dementia made it not an easy time. Sometimes I felt a lot of helplessness.
How did you deal with it? Not only did you give concerts and work, but in the last months of your grandmother's life, you were expecting your baby.
NK:It was difficult. More than once I wonderedhow to organize help when I had to leave, because now I needed it not only for my children, but mainly for my grandmother. She was not fully aware that I was pregnant. I mean, sometimes she would register that fact and she was worried if I would be okay. I think to myself that my daughter unconsciously participated in her great-grandmother's life and was very close … because I was close, taking care of her both physically and mentally
My mother-in-law turned out to be a big help then. Earlier, she came to look after the children, and when my grandmother was ill, she assisted me in taking care of her. Then I had to rely on the care of the nurse who came to us, because the time came when you had to be with your grandmother all the time. She didn't get out of bed anymore, so when I left for the concert somewhere else and didn't come home for the night, I had to look after her. I used an agency that provides help to sick people. You get very close to such people …
Has employment of professional care provided you any relief that your loved one is well cared for?
NK:On the one hand, yes. For pragmatic reasons, I had this feeling. On the other hand, there is a lot of empathy in me, probably inherited from my grandmother. So I still had the feeling that she needed me and not someone else, even qualified. That everyone could be around her, but only when I came, did my grandmother feel safe.
What was your day like then? After all, you have a profession in which you cannot simply take a leave of absence. For this house, children … What was the most difficult?
NK:The most difficult was organization, logistics, in every area of life. In order not to collapse anything, to do everything on time, prepare for the performance, do shopping, prepare everything. It made my head ache, and my friends were used to having to say no to them: I'm sorry, I can't come, I don't have anyone to leave my children with, I won't leave Grandma alone, etc. It was difficult. At school, they do not teach us how to organize our lives in such a situation, in the face of illness or the death of a loved one. When something like this happens, you don't know how to deal with it and who to trust. Should you call a friend or enter a password in the search engine?
Did you call, did you have a problem to confide in your problems? Many caregivers do not want to talk about the disease of their relatives, because they are ashamed, embarrassed …
NK:I think it results from something else. You think you are self-sufficient, I also thought that my grandmother only needed me, although I was aware that there is a group of people around me - friends, husband - who offer mehelp. Many caregivers take it as a point of honor that they can do it on their own.
But they are not aware that in order to help a sick person, they must first help themselves, take care of themselves, for example get enough sleep. That sometimes you have to take advantage of some advice, a type of therapy or even share your story with someone to make it easier, so that you can cry ….
Exactly - encouraging caregivers to take advantage of someone's help, to confide in someone who will listen and understand - this is the goal of the social campaign for which you are an ambassador. Does your experience show that it is worth doing?
NK:Of course it is. It's not worth keeping all these tensions within you. If we want to devote ourselves and our time to another person, we must be able to react, tell someone about it. This need for support is enormous. And in the case of lonely people who care for the sick and who have no one to open up to, therapy plays an important role, as it gives strength and shows the meaning of what we do. We cannot help someone at the expense of our he alth or our life.
It is also worth seeking help for the sick from people professionally prepared for this, with experience, e.g. with the help of nurses. You definitely shouldn't be afraid of that. Old age and disease are part of our lives.
It's worth to survive this time with dignity without tiring yourself. If the carer begins to deteriorate physically or mentally, the sick person will not benefit from it. I think that a sick person, no matter what is wrong with him, should feel that he has someone strong behind him, not someone who is barely pulling himself. Because it evokes remorse, a feeling that you are a burden to someone. Nobody wants to be a ball and chain for anyone.
I cannot help but ask you about what is happening in your life right now. Do you have a little daughter, but you managed to release a new album? Where did the idea for Chopin in the vocal version come from?
NK:Yes, I am sure that you must not give up your dreams, and the issue of combining work with home life is difficult but to do because it is all a matter of good organization. Ten years ago I was invited to a jazz concert project in which I was to sing Chopin's pieces arranged with the text.
It surprised me a lot but fascinated me. I thought that someday it would be great to develop this project. In the end, I just decided to go dreaming and record a symphonic album. The outstanding Sinfonia Varsovia played and I invited masters to arrange them, who, apart from extensive experience, have a great sense of taste. Krzysztof Herdzin, Adam Sztaba, Nikola Kołodziejczyk, Paweł Tomaszewski and Jan Smoczyński are a guaranteequality.
I also wrote half of the texts and invited five female artists to the lyrical layer. I wanted my view of Chopin to be diverse and multidimensional. There is so much beauty and tenderness in this music that we need it very much in these difficult times.
I dream to meet the audience live during the concerts. We are planning them for the next year, but to be able to calmly plan we have to deal with the pandemic. Therefore, it can be said that he alth is the most important thing. Fortunately, music can lift our spirits.